Thursday, May 03, 2007

this.

It feels like a rollercoaster ride - good times, bad times, worse times, better times, bad times again. Dare I say it? Dare I say that I am tired? I'm tired of hoping that something good will come along to stay permanently. All these thrills? They don't last. They are an artificial high.

I've been keeping my chin up, laughing away my concerns when in the company of friends, but in moments like this I tremble with fear.

I'm starting to doubt not just one but several of my capabilities.

Am I able to love and be loved? Why do I feel as if my heart is made of stone. Please, oh please, let it not be made of stone. I just want to be good to someone, give my all to someone, fall and hurt and cry and be broken about someone. So why does my heart balk at the thought? Maybe I need to go it alone for a while. For a long, long time.

Am I able to prove myself? Why is it so difficult to find and be found. One by one I see the people around me achieving the success they desire. Why is it that much harder for me? I'm supposedly smart, I'm supposedly capable, yet each door slammed in front of me even as I took steps to cross the boundary.

I've always been able to console myself before, telling myself that it's going to be all right in the end, that everything will work out wonderfully just as it has always done. But now, buried deep in doubt, I feel not hopeful but lost. Scared. Left behind. You're right, hope is a deceitful dangerous thing. I hate it that you're right but you are.

This is me, bent and broken. Yet I can't take anyone's hand, I'm toughing it out alone. Time is running out.