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Friday, October 29, 2004

lesson #27: the one that i love...

My grandpa just got back from the hospital today. He looks sick... I cried when I first welcomed him home. I don't want him to look so sick. I want him to be cheerful again. I want him to get up at 6 am in the morning and walk around the condo grounds.


I don't know what to do to help him. I'm just gonna pray hard that he will recover very very soon! I can't afford to lose him. I love him so much... Will I be able to tell him that I love him, one of these days? It's so stupid that I feel so much for him but I just can't say it out loud. I love my grandpa... I hope that for each tear that I shed, he gets better by one notch. I don't know what else I can do.

mon has bin bad at 11:12:00 PM

Thursday, October 28, 2004

lesson #60: a kiss is a kiss is a kiss

My brain doesn't seem to be working. I just can't formulate cohesive sentences. The ideas are all THERE. I scribbled them all down, all over my Yahoo! notebook. And yet, when it comes to structuring them so that they make sense, I just... failed.


I know, deep inside my heart, that I'm perfectly capable of doing a mediocre job of my writing assignment. I can write that damn memo. But I hold myself back from doing it, because I don't want to do just a mediocre job. I need to do an A+ job! The pressure of the scholarship is getting to me. This assignment, together with group presentation, are honestly my last two chances of pulling my grade up to at least an A- and keeping the scholarship.


I hate this pressure! It's the first time I feel really, really dumb and bimbotic. I wish Tim would stop goading me about being a scholar, an A+ student. Every time he says that, I feel another weight falling on me. He seems to expect me to always come up with A+ answers. Stop it! I know he's only joking. But everytime I did come up with an answer, which turns out to fall short of being A+, I feel like I see the disappointment in everyone's eyes.


Panicking. Did 150 situps in a go to calm down, it didn't work. Ate a little chocolate, but still frantic. No one I can turn to. I am reeling without support. I turn to dance. Since prancing around the house at 1 am in the morning is rather mentally unstable, I close my eyes and dance inside my mind. Imagining a purple hippo in a tutu. A purple hippo in the midst of a pirouette. A purple hippo doing a grand jette. A purple hippo in a pas de deux...


Two purple hippos in Giselle, perfectly in love, tragically separated by death.


Now back to the studio for more fun and merriment with writing assignment.

mon has bin bad at 1:12:00 AM

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

lesson #29: my aphrodisiac

Some nice songs...
1. Darren Hayes - Strange Relationship. Old but sex-aay.
2. Nelly - Na Na-Na Na.
3. Brandy - Afrodisiac.


Whatever you want, I got it, Papi
Don't hesitate, holla at me
What I'm lookin' for, is simple, you see
Love and support and sexuality
When I'm with you, I don't wanna leave
I need you just like air that I breathe
But when I'm not with you, I'm missing a piece
I got a lot inside I need to release


You fulfill my every desire
When I'm with you, you take me higher


Dance last night was actually quite enjoyable! I love the steps... So quirky and yes, some parts are sexy. Hehe... I find that it suits my style and I can do the routine pretty well *shake butt*.

So ANYWAY, speaking of aphrodisiacs, some say snails are one. Consume escargot with your partner and you may find yourself strippin' nekkid in no time. I'm in no hurry to try this out... although I do love escargot (just yummy with butter and garlic - *SLURP!*). And then, fear is another one. Yup. Fear. The adrenaline rush that you get when your heart beats faster after a scary incident can supposedly convert into another kind of rush altogether. So if a guy asks you to watch a horror movie alone with him, maybe he has ulterior motives in mind?


I wanna try this cocktail called the Laughing Buddha. It's got lychees in it! Looks pretty good... but I think Snowball still beats the rest. Snowball and Brown Cow. Moo moo! Brown Cow is my favourite aphrodisiac. It can turn a pimple on a guy's face into a beauty mark...

mon has bin bad at 6:34:00 PM

Saturday, October 23, 2004

lesson #151: inelastic demand and supply

Stop demanding so much. I can't take it anymore. Why don't you understand? I already told you I can't. You said all right. But then you asked me again.


Why do I give so much, yet receive so little?


When you can't, you can't. But when I can't, I can? I don't understand you.


Has it always been like this, and I was just not paying attention? I need this to stop. I'm starting to question your intention. Thinking, analysing what your reasons may be.

mon has bin bad at 11:57:00 PM

lesson #37: dentists & motorcyclists

Went to the dentist for filling and cleaning. The cleaning part hurt! He helped me clean right underneath the gum (I haven't been flossing as often as I should be), those unreachable areas where only dentists could go.


A more traumatic incident happened on the way to the dentist. My mum was driving me since I was late for my appointment. She slowed near a traffic light at a junction, and our car was on the right-most lane. Suddenly a middle-aged Caucasian riding a motorbike cut in front of us to turn to the right. My mum was driving straight. So our car bumped against the motorbike and I actually saw, in slow motion it seemed, the motorbike tilting and falling with a crash. The Caucasion fell off the bike.


He got up and I can see that he was in pain. Although he suffered no scratches, I think his right shoulder (the bike fell to the right) was quite badly bruised. He was holding it and massaging it. My mum was panicking. She got out of the car and went to look at him. They then argued about who was in the wrong. The Caucasian assumed that our car would be turning to the right since we were on the right-most lane. But actually we're allowed to either make a turn or go straight ahead. Mum actually scolded him because he shouldn't have made a turn when he was at the third lane, practically in the middle of the road. She was shaking, angry because he happily assumed away that everybody on the right lane would turn to the right.


He was pissed too and he waved my mum away so that he could be on his way. He tilted his bike back upright and went off. Mum got back into the car, still shaking, and we slowly drove off. All this happened when we were in the middle of a criss-crossing junction at Orchard. A lot of people who were waiting to cross the road next to us actually gaped and pointed at the accidentee's. It was the first time I ever realised that staring is rude. It's really rude. I want to shout at all of them to fuck off, or something. Honestly, if you're just gonna stand there and not do anything... then you might as well fuck off. Fuck off! Mind your own business.


My mum isn't really good when it comes to dealing with freak incidents such as this. She's really bad at it, actually. She panicked easily and this time, she really looked like she was going to break down and cry. After we drove off, we were turning into the parking lot and she almost run over a guy who was crossing the road. If I hadn't shouted a warning, we'd really have hit him. It's as if she didn't see him at all - she told me she had a headache.


At the public parking lot, she tore the parking coupon and she asked me for today's date.
Mum: Today's the 22nd, right?
(I saw her hands shaking badly as she held the coupon)
Me: No, it's the 23rd.
Mum: Are you sure it's not the 22nd?
Me: Yup...
Mum: (shouting) NO! TODAY IS THE 22nd DEAR!
Me: Mum... it's the 23rd.


Really worried about my mum... This incident has really jarred her. This is probably the first time I've seen her so vulnerable. She even told me, "If that man (the Caucasian) went to see the dentist, could you tell him to wait? Wait for me to come?" So I told her, "What are the chances that he's gonna show up at my dentist's?"


In the end I called my dad, who's at Jakarta for work, and told him all about it so he can call my mum and hopefully calm her down.

mon has bin bad at 11:32:00 AM

lesson #68: extreme makeover

BEFORE:



AFTER:



Dentist appointment tomorrow. Scary! Won't be so scary if my wisdom tooth weren't poking at a 90 degree angle from the rest... Noooooooooo!

mon has bin bad at 1:33:00 AM

Thursday, October 21, 2004

lesson #99: tilt ya head back

Lovin' Nelly ft. Christina Aguilera - Tilt Ya Head Back. Come here booooy, I got a little something for ya! Got a little bit, can I get a little bit? Yeah! Yeahhh!


Confuddled by MNG.


There's times when I want something more, someone more like me
There's times when this dress rehearsal seems incomplete but
You see the colors in me like no one else
And behind your dark glasses you're, you're something else

mon has bin bad at 11:51:00 AM

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

lesson #36: groans & gigolos

Muscle ache all over. I was woken up early in the morning because my left leg was cramping like mad. Couldn't even straighten it out, it hurt so bad! I flipped over to the side and spooned myself and went to sleep again. The second time I woke up it was all right, although still sore.


I guess the soreness is partly due to Monday's dance lesson (that backward-forward skip and a kick thing is so tiring!) and partly due to yesterday's walking session. I walked long distances back and forth, not with the intention of exercise but because I wanted to buy snacks from Cold Storage. As a result my tummy hurts 'cos of the snacks (sit-ups later) and I can't even put on clothes without flinching. I was actually quite tempted to walk around the house wrapped only in my towel for most of the day, since I don't really need to get dressed until Comms class later at 3.30 pm. But in the end I didn't do it because mum won't find it too amusing.


I was listening to Avril Lavigne's My Happy Ending last night, and again I found myself relating very well to these few lyrics:


You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they


But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do


It's all in the past now, but I can't help being reminded of The Gigolos. Maybe it's because I know N is going to Mambo with them tonight. I disliked The Gigolos because they told N that I was a bitch. They showed me and my friend disrespect, so how do you think I'd react? How are you supposed to react when two guys you don't even know start saying that they want to "beat" your friend "up", albeit "jokingly"? Are you supposed to slap their backs and laugh derisively along with them?


Well, if I were to get to know them better, maybe I'll discover that they're actually nice people really. But I find it difficult to see past their tight shirts. How open can the heart be when it's squeezed inside a tight polyester bling-bling shirt?


N is probably going to read this and get all upset and angry and unibrow-ed. (Side note: N has super thick eyebrows which will 'unite' everytime he gets nervous or angry. So you can always tell when he's lying because the brows will give him away.) Anyway, I don't care. He's insulted my friends plenty, so it's about time that that cold dish is served.

mon has bin bad at 1:16:00 PM

Sunday, October 17, 2004

lesson #61: the girl with the cigar-box clutch

I have spied the new love of my life! It's a bag made out of cigar box, funky printed cloth and some cushioning to make the exterior softer. It's also decorated with funky colourful shiny beads! I want I want I want... The price is $49, which I think is quite worth it. Usually cigar-box clutches are priced at $70 or above... Dum dum dum. I actually need to save up for my hair - the colour needs retouching and I want to modify my dying curls to become tousled waves! But let's say I spend $200 on hair. What's another $49? $249 isn't that much different from $200...


But I also need to get a new top because my striped racerback from Fox has R.I.P.ed due to an an unfortunate chance meeting with a whitener, and I need need need new comfortable shoes / slippers! I think I should get one of the toe-covering kinds because I don't have much of those. But I also need comfortable slippers for school. And a more fashionable pair of heels to go out or maybe club, because I won't be able to wear my new comfortable slippers to those places. I've actually spotted a wunnnderful shoe shop at Great World City which sells funky pink / yellow 5-inch clogs. But if I buy a pair of those ($98), I'll still need to buy the other shoes listed above because 5-inch clogs aren't very comfortable. They ARE very pretty though!


I'm actually very proud of myself. I can't even remember the last time I shopped. For example, this entire week I haven't been to Orchard once. The fact that I've been sick the whole week doesn't count! Except I did go to Plaza Sing, but that was in the middle of CSP and I didn't do anything except window-shop. And spotted my cigar-box clutch. Yay! So I think it's about time that I go mad and reward myself!


Anyway, enough about shopping. It's not like it's the only important thing in life, hey? Although I am rather anticipating Tuesday because I think I'll have time to go to Orchard then. So, yeah, anyway. I think me and Ms Vavavoom are going Zouk this Friday. Finally the twins are reuniting again! I'm looking forward to dancing and doing the Versace Ad. I'm not really sure yet that we'll be going, but I hope that it'll all come through in the end because our reunion is overdue!


Oh! Btw...



You Are a Lace Bra!


"Dreamy, romantic, and ultra-feminine. You're a womanly woman who makes guys feel like men. Your perfect guy is strong, determined, and handsome, with a softer side that only you can draw out."


Take the quiz?

mon has bin bad at 5:46:00 PM

lesson #34: monkey-ing around

The Tale of the Monkey's Paw


"This scary story is about a monkey's paw which has magical powers. It gives three wishes to its owner.


The monkey's paw is given to a family of three: a father, mother, and son. They wish for some money, and the next day an employee of the son's company arrives at the family's home and tells the parents that their son has died in an accident and they will receive some money - the exact amount they wished for.


About a week later, the mother wishes that their dead son would return home. When knocking is heard at the door, the father realizes what has happened, and before the mother can open the door, the father uses the last wish. The knocking stops, and when the door is opened, no one is there."


Moral of the story: be careful what you wish for. It may just come true, along with all of its consequences.


Shudders or what!


Anyway, it's weird how I remembered this story out of nowhere. I had CSP throughout the day, then met up with Jing for a chill-out session at Alley Bar, and then I read the name of one of its shots - Monkey's Brain. And the phrase "monkey's paw" just came to mind. We had Blowjobs, by the way. Man, I never want another Blowjob in my life.


You know, although the Test was fine, I'm still worried. I don't know what's wrong with me... I'm just a worry-wart I guess.


This entry is going to look like a fruit cocktail with all the different mixed-up thoughts inside. Don't know why, tonight my thoughts are just running free. Hmmm... Now what was I about to say again? Oh ya - it's about my CSP. We organised a day camp held today for handicapped people, and part of the itinerary was to go to Labrador Park and have a fun-filled BBQ. When we first reached the park, I have to admit I stopped breathing for maybe a couple of seconds. It was just so beautiful! And I don't even care how sappy I sound - it was really really amazing! The wind was blowing about my face, ruining my hair, and I didn't give a damn. I was truly enjoying the scenery. The sea! It looked so beautiful. Serene. Mysterious. Dangerous yet intriguing. And all the while I was walking along the path, there was only one thing on my mind. I want to feel this magic with you.

mon has bin bad at 1:21:00 AM

Friday, October 15, 2004

lesson #86: finally, finally dee dee dee dee dee

I finally, finally feel better after four days of (interchangably) runny nose, headaches and fever. I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow - wanna get FA quiz over and done with, and then the other Test as well. Thanks Jing for your support. You are the best bitch! I would have gone crazy if not for the MSN chats we have. I'm still apprehensive, but you're right. What's done is done.


I hope tomorrow will bring good news...

mon has bin bad at 1:37:00 AM

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

lesson #103: girl talk

*Names have been changed to protect the innocents and the big-nosed.


VAVAVOOM* says:
eh today Rudolph* did a damn stupid thing
VAVAVOOM says:
i think he n Clark Kent* n Santa Claus* made some bet
VAVAVOOM says:
he had to wave to me and say
VAVAVOOM says:
'hi cutie!!'
VAVAVOOM says:
5 bucks fer tt.
VAVAVOOM says:
wad nonsense
VAVAVOOM says:
haha
MAMMAMIA* says:
lol
MAMMAMIA says:
he likes u.
MAMMAMIA says:
fucker
MAMMAMIA says:
that big nosed fucker likes u
MAMMAMIA says:
that big nosed fucker who fucked with my feelings and left deep traumatic impressions on my fragile ego
VAVAVOOM says:
please la
VAVAVOOM says:
they are jokers
MAMMAMIA says:
that big nosed fucker who never calls or ask for my number
VAVAVOOM says:
errr
MAMMAMIA says:
do u noe how much i luv him???
VAVAVOOM says:
maybe he really had doubts that u werent attached
VAVAVOOM says:
haha
MAMMAMIA says:
DOES H ENOE???
VAVAVOOM says:
AHAHHAHAHA
VAVAVOOM says:
are u crazy????
MAMMAMIA says:
does anyone know...
MAMMAMIA says:
my crazy, swivelling, emotion rollercoaster...
MAMMAMIA says:
full of love and affection for him.
VAVAVOOM says:
heyy
VAVAVOOM says:
are u ok?
MAMMAMIA says:
no
MAMMAMIA says:
i am in love
MAMMAMIA says:
with a fucking big nose
MAMMAMIA says:
khaa khaa khaaa
VAVAVOOM says:
hahahaha
VAVAVOOM says:
u asshole


mon has bin bad at 1:52:00 AM

Monday, October 11, 2004

lesson #23: guys are stupid!

HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND.


Ugh. It doesn't feel really good when a guy you reject go and find himself a nice, sweet, ANGELIC girl to call his own. I realise it's always like this. I'm like, the second best. Did I mention that B liked my best bud Rachel first? And when he finally got the message that she didn't like him in that way, he turned to ME. Because I listened, and because I was "different". Even when he told me he's lost all feelings, the way he phrased it was, "I... I don't like you as a person anymore. I only like you as a girl..." I was crying and tearing and snorting all over the place. Then he went and kissed me. Great. You don't love me but you want to make out with me. Oh, fuck off.


So anyway, about this guy who told me he's got the girlfriend? He told me once that I was a "bad girl" type. And now he is gushing over and over about how sweet his girl was. How kind and wonderful she is. Blah blah BLAH! I whet his appetite for romance and now he's all ready to consume the lurrrve (btw that was consume, not consumate), with someone more appropriate. Of course! Whatever was I expecting? Ugh!


My OG friend also labelled me a "devil" as opposed to his "angel", a girl he's crushing on. He jokingly said, one day while we were chatting, that if not for the angel, he'd have gone for the heart-tempting devil. Yeah. OK.


I have enough of this! I don't want to be the devil, or the bad girl, or the naughty girl or the sex-appeal girl or whatever! It's true, bad girls get all the guys, but good girls get to keep them! Ugh. I am so sick of being the one you turn to when you're down, or vulnerable, or in a crazy infatuation mood which only lasts for a month because you're 16 and stupid.


Even when I was at the clinic earlier today, some stupid guys were checking me out (that sounds gross) and smirking. Ugh. Aren't they supposed to be ill? GO AND GET SICK ALREADY! I am just. So. TIRED!


N - I hope what we have is stronger than this. I hope it's not just something physical. You say you love me. I really hope you know what you're saying. And I hope you beat the shit out of the next Malay guys who sniggered at my short shorts. (Please, there were a lot of girls wearing shorts around Queensway. WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL YOU PERVERTS!)

mon has bin bad at 11:57:00 PM

Sunday, October 10, 2004

lesson #72: these words are my own, from my heart flow

Had Comms feedback session with our TA Samantha today. My presentation was recorded, as were other people's, and when I sat there watching it I just felt like curling up into a ball and rolling away from the room like, you know, a ball? She told me that I had good opening and ending, but I didn't really maximise the effects of both. There was also information overload, so I have to be careful next time.


After the feedback session, I went to the library to study for a while. I made quite a lot of noise there I guess, because I kept getting approached by people I know (little ms popular for the day!), but still must the geeky guy sitting opposite me shush us up? It's not like he was doing work. I saw him grinning like an idiot while staring at his laptop screen and typing away. I bet he was just flirting with his geeky girl on MSN. Anyway I was quite irritated. Thankfully I left soon thereafter for a quick lunch with Gary before going back to do FA revision.


I rushed from school to my house (it was my luck that I had a ready transport *cough*) to change and get decent. Then I went for my birthday celebration at Marche with my dearest orientation group people... I miss them so much! I haven't seen most of them for a long while. They gave me a shiny sequinny top from Zara as a present and also bought me a birthday cake! Awww... I love my OG! Zhi gave me something extra - a beautiful pair of earrings with beads and crystals. Thank you babe! I love you so much!


Too bad we only met for a short while (went Marche, then Lips Cafe)... But I was feeling quite tired at the end so I gladly went home. So it's weird that I'm still awake now at 1 am in the morning. I've been busy transferring the photos I took to my laptop and fiddling with my new MP3 player. I think I had it figured out!


All in all, it has been a very special day. Some pictures to make up for the boring Essay of My Life above...



My lovely OG!



Me posing with Zhi - she's so pretty!



I hope these will never wilt...



My fave pic! That's Sydney. I'm surrounded by good-looking girls!

mon has bin bad at 1:35:00 AM

Friday, October 08, 2004

lesson #53: it's karaoke time!

"Woke up early this morning
Made my coffee like I always do
When it hit me from nowhere
Everything I feel about me and you


The way you kiss me crazy
Baby you're so amazing


7 days and 7 nights of thunder
The water's rising and I'm slipping under
I think I fell in love
with the 8th world wonder



Yeaah yeaah yeaaaahhhh..."


-- 8th World Wonder, Kimberly Locke

mon has bin bad at 11:24:00 PM

lesson #8: where the chicken heart is

Yesterday I had a scary meeting with the sponsors of my scholarship. Maybe I shouldn't have gone Mambo on the Wednesday. I had no energy to network during the 'informal' meeting! And the HR personnel, a big boisterous woman, really knows how to talk. She talks so well she didn't seem to be familiar with the concept of stopping. I kept up the smiles and nods for the first hour, and after that I just sank lower and lower into the comfortable couch, hoping she wouldn't notice the glazed look on my face.


Afterwards, I lazed around at school for a couple of hours waiting for N to pick me up. We had a dinner reservation at 8. The place was a Brazilian restaurant located somewhere inside Sixth Ave. It was quite a special dinner... The restaurant only serves a buffet of all kinds of meat. They also have a salad bar. You can go and take baby corns, potato salad, mushrooms and even salmon rolls from the salad bar, and then you take your seat. The staff will come to you every few minutes, carrying a huge slab of whatever meat they had just cooked, and will offer it to you. So basically you just sit, and wait for them to bring the buffet of meat your way, and you just kept eating and eating until you're full. We ate lamb chops, chicken, beef steak, bacon, ham, sausage, lemon-flavoured fish, and (my favourite) chicken heart. They also served us a side of cheese bread, with mozarella cheese inside. I'm telling you, that place is an Atkins dieter heaven! I could've incorporated it into my Comms presentation... ah well. Anyway, although the food was delicious, I didn't really survive long. I gave a lot of my portion to N.


Speaking of N, he dressed really smartly last night. He told me it was his prom getup. I felt kind of guilty that I didn't make more of an effort in terms of my clothes. I should've worn a gown or something. He also gave me an MP3 player as a present. Thank you N, for the night and for everything else.

mon has bin bad at 1:08:00 PM

Thursday, October 07, 2004

lesson #00: the birthday party

Last night was... incredible. Thanks largely to the girls from Dance. Sydney, Candace, Kunali, Jun, and Celine turned up for dinner at Marche (although we only ate salad, calamari, and tiny slices of cheesecake). Here are some photos from Jun's camera (as you can see I was still wearing decent clothes at that time)...



Celine, the pretty birthday girl (hehe), and Jun



OK, the not-so-pretty birthday girl


From Marche, me and Syd hitched a ride from Gary to reserve seats for the rest while they took their own sweet time to reach Zouk. By the time everybody gathered, it was already the start of midnight madness and we ordered jugs and played the usual number game.


When we went to the dance floor, I saw Carrie and damn, she was hot! Her top looked like lingerie... And with her hair down she was one SEXY sizzling babe! Actually, all my beautiful friends were hot. Kunali was sultry. Sydney was a damn good dancer! Erk. Competition... Celine was crazy. Maggie was a lesbian. Hehe. A large number of guys surrounded us. They were like sharks circling around innocent, little, hot-babe fishies. Then the dance girls went to Zouk. Me and Maggie stayed at Phuture, though. I had to admit, looking back, it does feel that our private dance was sort of... too sexy? Oh well. We had fun.


For the next few hours I caught glimpses of people I know, faces I was familiar with. M came, but I didn't really get to spend a lot of time with him. He had his own friends as well. I met Corine by accident. We were screaming like banshees when we saw each other! I also bumped into Candace, but I didn't see Michelle for most of the night. Tim was around, but I think he was at Zouk most of the time. I saw half-famous people like the guy from Eye For A Guy (the lame one with the frog song, I think), a Singapore Idol reject... It was Benjamin, actually. My favourite. Not because he can sing or anything, but because he looked so good on camera. And he looked better in person, in the dark! He was shorter than I thought but damnit, I should've danced somewhere close to him! Who knows what might've happened then.


Overall, the night was sensational. Unforgettable. My darling friends are wonderful! I so love you all... MMMWAAHH! There are only two things that were bad about the night. The first thing is that everyone from SMU seemed to be there! I saw a lot of freshies and some seniors. I don't really like it, you can never be sure whether you will see that bitch that pushed you around in school again. The second bad thing is that they didn't play Superstar. Maybe it was played after I left. The music was getting better and better when I slowly made my way out... Oh well. It's still a disappointment not to be able to dance to my favourite song.


So today is my birthday. I'm 19 now. My birthday wish is simply to be nicer, to be more aware of the people around me, to be a better friend, to give more without expecting anything in return. Actually, I'm feeling pretty generous today. I think I'll buy myself that bag from Women'Secret... you know, as a birthday present.

mon has bin bad at 11:39:00 AM

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

lesson #18: let's talk about lurrrrve

When it comes to love, I think I really suck. I was reading through what I wrote in this blog about S. I'm not sure if more than a handful people are aware of how full of chemistry the 'relationship' were at the start. I say 'relationship' because it was never really official. The relationship had never really started. I strung him along. When he wanted to kiss me, I leaned to the side so he will only catch my cheek. When he wanted to ask if we were actually a couple, I told him to wait. And wait. And wait. And then, I suppose he got tired of waiting. He also sensed that I was confused. I feel like hitting myself over the head. What's there to be confused about? What the hell was I doing, wasting a great opportunity with a great guy? Why did I let the chemistry die, why didn't I give him a chance?


I played the same stupid game with N. I wavered and sat on the fence for so long that sometimes I frustrated myself. But N pursued and pursued and pursued. The funny thing is, when he finally asked, "Will you be my girlfriend?" I still had to pause for a significantly long moment before I said yes. For the first two weeks after that, I still asked him to keep it a secret. I didn't want anyone to know that I got together with him. Partly it was because my friends disapprove of him. But partly it was because, deep down inside, I'm still waiting for another guy.


I wanted to find a love so perfect, the relationship will last and last and last. I wanted someone I could fall for head over heels. Someone I'm so crazy about, and someone who's so crazy about me, we literally can't live without each other. Someone I could talk to for hours, and then kiss for hours after that. In short, I'm waiting for my knight in shining armor.


But now I realize that the kind of love I'm waiting for is not something that can be obtained so easily. If I'm never satisfied with what I have with N, I'm not being fair to him and I'm just going to end up hurting everyone. What I lack is that naivete about love. Although I can't do anything about that, I can at least try to be a better girlfriend. I need to let myself drown a little bit more in what I have now, and not just keep floating, waiting for the rescue boat that never comes.


And if that rescue boat actually comes, I need to be willing to let it pass by without noticing me.


Anyway, gonna go Mambo with the dance girls tomorrow. Maggie is coming too, and I can't wait to dance with her again! It has been too long. The only downside to going tomorrow instead of Friday (the original plan) is that A won't be able to make it. I kinda miss him. Partying with him is always fun because he's so funny. Not to mention he has cute friends!

mon has bin bad at 5:22:00 PM

Sunday, October 03, 2004

lesson #49: swimwear, shoes, and some other guy

I've just bought a new one-piece swimsuit from Women'Secret! It cost me $48 after a 20% discount. What an impulse buy... I actually tried it on on a previous window-shopping trip, but since it was priced at $59, I never thought once about purchasing it. But then, a few days later, Women'Secret displayed huge, orange 20% discount banners. The rest, as they say, is history.


There is another item from Women'Secret which I adore. And that is a clip purse in purple colour. The material is shiny plastic-y with starry patterns and it only costs $9! I'll have to go back there soon and grab it and make it mine... all mine... MWAHAHAHA.


Also bought a new pair of dancing shoes from Adidas. Cost me $99. Eeeek! But it's worth it, it's so pretty in white with tiny holes and baby blue stripes. And I made this purchase just one day after I bought the one-piece. I feel like a real shopaholic. I need to register myself to the nearest Shopaholic Anonymous. Because I want to get well. I need to get well. My bank account is terminally ill.


On a much less financial note, N said something which was really adorable yesterday. He said, 'If you were gonna cheat on me, then it's definitely gonna be with him.' to which I gave silence as a reply. Then he snapped, 'What, are you thinking about him now?' I gave him a guilty look. Actually I was thinking more along the lines of a Fox tube top that I plan to wear when I go Zouk next Friday. But you know, it's always good to keep your man intrigued.

mon has bin bad at 3:11:00 PM

Friday, October 01, 2004

lesson #94: my crush

You are officially...


4% in Lust!
That's lustier than the worldwide average of 21% in love!


Compared to others...
16% lustier than you -- 2% equal to you -- 83% more in love than you


Is it a bird? A plane? Is it a boy? A girl? Is it love, or is it lust? Ah, you. You are that rare mix of sensitive and sensual, romantic and randy, pride and prejudice, etc. When you see your crush, you waffle like a Belgian, unsure of whether you'd rather paint their toes or suck on their toes. Poets have long been puzzled by your kind. You'll never fall for robots or nymphos, but you will suffer longs bouts of marriage.


Take the test?

mon has bin bad at 10:16:00 PM

lesson #30: charmed

I want a charm bracelet! A lady was selling bangles and charm bracelets at Great World City basement, it was just a temporary stall, but oh... When I tried out this charm bracelet made of crystals and purple stones, I knew I just have to have it! It fits so well around my wrist and it looks very, very unique. I didn't dare ask for the price, but it seems like one of those 'hippie' stalls where everything that looks cheap actually costs a bomb. Oh man... I hope the charm bracelet obsession will pass, because I so cannot afford it.

mon has bin bad at 8:43:00 PM