Saturday, July 31, 2004

lesson #48: always regret the things you've done, not the things you haven't

I kinda miss S.


Crap.

lesson #3: when reality knocks hard on your door, try to hide your tears

My dad will be working in Jakarta permanently in one month's time. He said the prospects are not good here, they are actually better back home, so that's where he is going. His salary then will be 30% lower than where it stands now, and the whole family will have to do some major cutting back. All I can say is, thank God I got that scholarship. At least I wouldn't have to worry so much about tuition fees and daily allowance.


We will probably have to move to a cheaper place, too. The maintenance costs right now are rather high and my parents are getting ready to sell. They are going to sell my home. I have stayed here for only four years, but I've already grown so very much attached to it. I don't want to move, but ultimately it isn't my decision. My unhappiness doesn't really matter, does it? Even I can't argue or beg if it comes down to us not having enough money. I can't exactly beg my family to go broke just so I can keep staying here. My home... I will miss you so much.


I hate not being rich. There are poorer people than me, so maybe I have no right to complain, really, but my family is not exactly loaded. So what I'm going to do now is study hard, stop playing so much, and graduate with stellar results so that finding jobs will be easy. I aspire to earn millions for my annual income eventually, to support both my family and my lifestyle. I want to be completely independent. I'm gonna stop being such a princess - expecting guys to treat me so nicely, buy me drinks and open doors for me. I'm going to learn to be tougher, because I need to be.


I also will stop trying to please everyone. Whatever I do, there will always be people who don't like me, for whatever reason. I am not going to feel hurt or insulted that people i dislike also dislike me back. I have recently found out from N that an acquaintance (whom I thought until that point of time was quite a nice guy) told him that I have an attitude problem because I asked the guy not to smoke in front of me. I guess he just took it superficially and thought I was a snob who disapproves of people who smoke. But actually I just can't stand the smoke because for some reason it makes my eyes water really bad. I was NOT judging anyone's lifestyle. He can smoke until hell freezes over and I won't give a damn.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

lesson #54: nice girls just wanna have fun

1/2 malibu pineapple
1 shot of cowboy
1/3 vodka orange
1 baileys on the rocks

 
Went to Mambo last night. At first Phuture was super deserted - everyone was at the Zouk side, at the NTU 'bash' (not sure if it's really a bash, I mean me and my friend crashed it pretty easily) dancing to top 40s remix. But then the top 40s stop playing and the retro starts to overwhelm and they all came to Phuture side.

 
It was so fun at first on the dance floor, because the crowd hasn't really settled in and there was still quite a lot of space. As usual me and Yujing (or Candace and Celeste) did our 'lesbian' stint because that's the best way to dance - fun free and cheeky! Strangely enough last night we didn't get any 'are you twins' line... probably because we were dancing with her friends (half of which were guys dancing around us) so no pick-uppers dare approach.

 
But then it started getting a teeny wee bit irritating because of some of Candace's friends. Most of them are okay, but a few in particular stood out. There was this kinda chubby guy who was making an ass out of himself while trying to look 'funky'. I have a feeling he was trying to dance with me, because wherever me and Yujing went, he would try to make his way towards us! I'm pretty sure he was after me, because at one point Yujing was right in front of him but he was still shifting around. Anyway, he's kinda gross. It'd be okay if he'd acted normal but then he was 'funky' you see. He even took off his glasses (he was wearing them at the bar). Oh, he looks so much more handsome now that he'd taken off his glasses, just like Clark Kent turning into Superman *big fake cough*!

 
I shall stop being so mean. There were also these two guys, M and D. D wanted to make advances on Candace, so he turned Celeste around so she was in front of M so that the two of them can dance together (getting rid of Celeste will enable him to dance with the lonely Candace). I actually wouldn't mind dancing with M, but I saw that he'd take any girl to touch and rub against. He doesn't mind dancing very closely with any girl, and that rubbed me the wrong way. If I were to dance with him, then I'd feel like I was just any other girl, you see? So I didn't.

 
But I still have to get away from Superman, remember? There was another guy (yup, a lot of guys in Yujing's group of friends), H. Now, he was the only one who struck up a conversation with me. As much conversation as could be had in a club. So I ended up with him, and I actually quite enjoyed it. He was fun. And since Celeste was then out of the way, I didn't know how it happened, D got his way. He had Candace in his arms. I don't think he knew she has a boyfriend. Poor chap. I think he was too obvious in his interest, though. If he'd held back a little, I think it would've been more intriguing.

 
We left very early at around 1. Me, Yujing... and H. All of us shared a cab since H and I stay around the same area. And we have to take care of Yujing. Anyway, with Yujing safely home, H offered to walk me up to my place. He actually asked me to supper beforehand but I declined. I can't decline twice so I said yes to his offer to walk me. So we walked a bit and talked a bit and then I said good night and then he went on his way home to NUS.

 
And that was the end to a fun night out... Oh! Almost forgot. I saw this super cute bag, it's like only $15.90 and just the perfect size to carry my notebook in. Not bad, right? I just love the design, but Ms Candace wasn't too keen on it. What-everrr... It comes in two colours - a khaki beige-ish one and a peachy, tan-ish one. I like both, but Yujing preferred the peachy one. I'm not sure. I'll have to sleep on it...

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

lesson #28: never go for guys who have better skin than you

It's true. Guys with flawless, smooth skin are usually pretty boys who know very well just how good-looking they are. They will make you feel self-conscious all the time, and when you're self-conscious, you can't relax. It wouldn't feel as if the two of you are on equal grounds if he's prettier than you, and it's almost impossible for you to feel empowered in the relationship. I think only girls with great self-confidence can manage pretty boys. For me, they're just too much of a hassle.


Took this quiz just now - it's quite fun:
"Your score as a human being is 102.35.
You are a pleasure to be with and a pleasure to be. Your friends do not envy so much as admire you, and you lead your life with grace, honor, and dignity. This site is humbled to have you take a test on it.
Which brings one to wonder, what are you doing goofing off on the Internet?"


Sounds promising, right? But then...


"Your girlfriend score is 53.
Wow, you've got a live one on your hands. It must be fun to have her going through your stuff, lying to your face, eating all your snacks. Even those Snyder's tortilla chips you like so much. I mean, it would be OK if she just bought another bag. Just get another bag! How hard is that, my God!?
Pretty hard, apparently. Lose her and try again."


I did the last quiz myself, even though it was supposed to be done by my 'boyfriend'. Oh well, I just imagined myself in the shoes of a guy who might be my 'boyfriend' and did it. I was pretty objective, I think. Anyway, the conclusion is that I am a fantastic person... but a nightmare girlfriend.


So the other conclusion is that I shouldn't be anyone's girlfriend, and just continue being human. I should just play the field, charming guys with my excellent human-beingness, but leave before I could become a nightmare. Sounds very good to me...


Try the quizzes?

lesson #35: feeling sad is pointless

For the past few days, I've felt rather weird and detached. It's kind of a sad feeling, as if I was disconnected from other people. I don't really know why... but I just feel very lonely. I didn't want to admit it to myself at first, but I've felt very lonely for at least a week now. I think this is because I haven't shopped properly for more than a week... I need to go out there with a loyal and willing partner, and exchange comments on whether this particular top looks good on me/her. Shopping is only very therapeutic when you go with the right person. Shopping by yourself is enjoyable, of course (this is what I've been doing recently) but after all the rush the only thing you feel is alone.


Maybe I will go to Mambo tomorrow. It'll be fun, Yujing and Mag are gonna be there. But I've still got to pack for the Sentosa retreat this Friday (not really looking forward to it, dreading it in fact), so we'll see.

Monday, July 26, 2004

lesson #10: give as much as you take, then take more when nobody's looking

I've never been much of a giver in any relationship of mine... I do give material gifts (which are quite expensive and thoughtful) but that's about it. I guess nobody's really encouraged me. Last time, I baked cookies for my then boyfriend. But he was afraid he'd be fat if he ate them all (I've always thought this sounded kind of sissy) so he didn't really encourage me to bake more. He also told me that the cookies were too sweet. Yeah, somebody should tell him he's saying all the wrong things... So anyway, since the cookies-filled-with-love was a flop, I felt like I should just lie back and let the boys do all the work.

 
I have a slight feeling that this is the wrong outlook. A friend who had recently gotten attached told me she wanted to give her all to make it work. I paused, and I paused. She seems really happy, and I am sincerely happy for her. And slightly jealous...

 
But the thing is, I've never been good with being romantic and sweet. Imagine you're a Japanese, then you suddenly find yourself in Sweden. You've spoken Japanese all your life, and now you have totally no idea how to communicate. You might be able to learn the language, but it's never gonna be perfect. You will always confuse your l's and r's.

 
I don't even know where I'm heading with this.


Jogged for a while on the treadmill today, made me feel better about my body. Hopefully I still have enough self-discipline left to go again tomorrow.

Sunday, July 25, 2004

lesson #116: the best things in life are for free

In the past 2 days I suddenly learnt a lot of things. I think I'm more grown up now. I've learnt that in life, you can't really pretend. To a certain extent, your actions and thoughts will always be genuine even though you convince yourself that it's all just an act.

 
And it's not always true that the more you delve into something, the better your understanding is of that certain matter. I am still as confused as ever, still as unsure... And I guess I just have to take it day-by-day. But I do feel that, in the unsureness scale, I am now shifting slightly towards the sure side of the unsureness. Is that a good thing, or a bad thing? Who knows...

 
Watched House of Flying Daggers. It's quite a nice movie, I really enjoyed the dance scenes. They are very beautifully choreographed... And I went to a party at S.O.S last night. It wasn't really that great (although I personally think my eyes were kick-ass because of this turqoise liner I applied). My friends weren't around and I couldn't really enjoy or release myself totally in the dance floor, I guess because the crowd wasn't right and again, my friends weren't around. Didn't even feel heady in the slightest. Clubbing feels more and more unfulfilling. Hope I don't insult anyone with what I'm gonna say next... but I'm starting to think that most of the people I see in clubs are geeks.

 
On a lighter note, I am in love. I bought L'oreal's cleansing milk for just $10++ and I believe it's my best buy of this month yet, apart from that white miniskirt and black racerback top... and the black baggy pants of course... anyway. I am in love with it because it smells so good and it's so soothing when applied on your face. Removing make-up has become my favourite pastime.

 
M is in Thailand - I asked him to get me one of those very cheap wraparound skirts (sells for about $20 around here, but if you get it there it's just, like, $5) but I'm not sure if he'll remember. N is going to Taiwan. Why is everybody travelling out of the country? I forgot to ask him to bring something back, though. Oh well... I don't really know what Taiwan has to offer.

Saturday, July 24, 2004

lesson #98: generosity goes a long way

Oh my God. I can't believe I have spent $50 on foundation. Aaaack! You see I had this $10 Biotherm voucher which was valid until yesterday, so I thought I'd just take a quick look, just to see what they have to offer. I wasn't intending to buy anything! But there you go. Gosh. That's really quite extravagant, right? And it wasn't even a necessary purchase! Impulse-shopping will be the death of me. Imagine. I could've used the $50 for other, more important stuff instead. Such as... buying textbooks, or treating my friends to dinner, or... or travel on the bus 50 times... or give it to charity... or maybe not.
 
Anyway. Let's not think about it. Let's not think about the $50 foundation which I impulsively bought. Yup. Let's not even think about that...
 
I visited Felicia on Thursday night, she's staying in a hall now. The place is so cool! It just makes you feel so independent and stuff. Of course, her room's still rather bare so it's not so homey, but she's only just moved in.
 
Going to Chinablack tonight, but not sure if it'll be all that great. Not many people I know are going... Sigh. Whatever. At least I'll get to use the $50 foundation (AAACK!) tonight.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

lesson #114: love your body

It's official - I am a Pringles monster. I've just eaten half a container worth of Pringles in 30 minutes. I feel so disgusted at myself! But somehow I just can't help it, even though I already felt sick from the taste of sour cream & onion. I don't even know how much grams of carbo and fat I've consumed... must be tons! Ugh. Feel so fat... I don't even want to look at my tummy! Yuk!
 
I'll have to get on the treadmill tomorrow. Something which I've neglected doing for weeks (but that's okay, there's a valid reason - ALL the treadmills were broken last week, and I attended loads of kickboxing classes anyway). But now, there's no excuse! I simply MUST get rid of this disgusting feeling of chips melting down into fat cells in my body...
 
Community service today was horrible. Had to do the choreographing gig and it sucked as usual. Started off really badly too, because I was late (doing charity book fair thingummy in the morning). I felt so sleepy inside the bus, and believe me. Having to force yourself not to fall asleep when all you want to do is just conk out is the worst sensation in the whole world! Next to that chips settling at the bottom of ur stomach thing.
 
To top off this not very good day, my arms are stiff and sore all over from carrying my stupid new IBM notebook around the campus yesterday. F u c k.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

lesson #64: never gloat, unless you really can't help it

Hullo... just a quick one before I go for my Marche meeting with the accountancy people... I'm just getting ready and stuff. I'm writing this using my new IBM notebook. Yup, I've just got it just now. I went to the charity book fair thingy too, and weirdly enough I was quite enthusiastic about collecting books tomorrow! probably cos I was quite happy, what with getting my new IBM notebook and all.
 
Talking to Fio on MSN (which was pre-installed on my new IBM notebook). It's been so long since I actually get to chat with her! This is quite a coincidence, meeting her on MSN while I'm using, for the first time, my new IBM notebook.
 
Will have to get changed soon. Probably gonna wear my new pair of black pants (which coincidentally is lying on my bed, next to my new IBM notebook) and this black ghetto-ish top. Have to clear my room a bit later on, to make space for stuff... like my new IBM notebook.

lesson #59: be an active participant in life

I am so damn lazy...! I don't think I can be bothered to even stand up and change right now... I'm supposed to have a meeting for the charity book fair thingummy that I'd volunteered for but *sigh* I'm just too lazy...
 
I know I'll still go in the end cos I have to pick up my IBM notebook from smu as well. Finally will have my own notebook!! YAY! So happy... but not happy enough to stop feeling so lethargic. Hopefully I can go out n party this sat because otherwise I will just go nuts.
 
Later on will still have to go Marche and meet up with accountancy senior n group members etc. Bah... Most probably will have to eat something from Marche, which is not very healthy... I'm getting fatter by the second so kinda concerned abt this. I'd rather save the money for a worthwhile cause like, erm, that nice biotherm foundation... Which reminds me - my biotherm voucher is valid for only 3 more days!! Eeeek... I hate deadlines and expiry dates...

Monday, July 19, 2004

lesson #77: the hu-ha of weekend

Went shopping last Saturday with B after dance class. Incidentally, it was the last class I could attend at Amore without renewing my membership... 'Twas a sad parting *sob*. Anyway, what I plan to do now is to sign up for cheaper packages. The last package I signed up for was the unlimited power package, where you can attend unlimited number of classes for the duration of 1 month. Since uni is starting and stuff, I guess it'll be more worth it if I take up the simple power package of just $45 for 4 classes / mth. But I think that's before GST, so the total's quite steep? But I really love the Saturday hip-hop class! So I guess I'll just go for that...
 
Anyway, back to Saturday. Went shopping but not for me, it was for B! I realize it can be quite fun shopping for other people. Especially for guys! Because you still get to pick stuff out for them ('cos they just don't know what to look out for!) and then you get to see them try it on, and then when they like it, they're the one paying! Ha-ha. You get all the satisfaction of shopping without having to pay a single cent! What brilliant therapy!
 
We went inside Armani Exchange, where I saw this awesome baby blue bag made of fluffy towel material, just for $109.90! It's really quite a good bargain, for a brand like that! And then at Sisley, there was a marvellous white sleeveless top with shiny gold imprints on it, and it's just so soft... reduced from $80 to just half the price. We also checked out Polo by Ralph Lauren, but it only has very boring stuff... I kinda forced B to go to Zara, and what do you know, he found a very nice polo tee from the sales rack! It was his size, too. Am I a good shopping partner or what? Without me, he'd have missed that polo tee completely!
 
The next day went to meet N. Found a great shop - I think I tried on half of the clothes that were on display. I just kept picking out stuff because they're all so nice-looking, and the shop assistant would come to my side every few seconds to take away the stuff I've picked out and put them inside the changing room, all ready for me to try! In the end, I found this most amazing pair of black pants - it's like, baggy and yet curvy... it fits me so well! And it was only $20.
 
All in all, a great weekend experience.