Thursday, May 24, 2007

syd's birthday and my whinery

Happy birthday darling! You're 22! May you get showered with all the happiness in the world! You're a star and you're one of a kind, and not just because your name sounds distinctly Australian. (Wowee that rhymes!) You're sugar and spice and everything nice, my dear spitfire!

And Jess's is coming up soon as well. Gotta dig deep into my pockets to buy decent pressies for 'em both!

Anyhoo, yesterday was a tiring day all and all. It started with an 830 class, went on to a stressful quiz at about noon, then dance practice til about 10 pm. The choreographer, Ryan, said that we should keep dancing until we feel like puking. Well I can honestly say I felt like puking. Dancing hardcore hiphop with an upset stomach is no joke! But I guess in a way the exercise helped to purge away my stress because at the end of it I felt much better mentally, emotionally and physically.

I truly hope the emotional roller coaster I've been on since last week would complete its course soon. I'm rather sick of being buoyed one moment just to hear of upsetting news the next moment. And it just kept happening, everything conveniently occurring all around the same period of time. Now I am 10 days away from exams. I really don't need my attention to be distracted by shit. So I'm lifting up my hands and praying that God will spare me the trials until this, well, trying period is over. I don't understand Him. Usually He'll leave me well enough alone to get into my own trubbs and then watch as I climb my way out of them. But I guess this time He's out to teach me a lesson or two about patience, humility and maturity; of which I have none.

On the Heroes front - wow, I didn't expect the season finale to end like THAT. What a surprise. I'd say I never expected HIM to do THAT, and HIM to do THAT. And what about the scene right at the end? Who's that fella? And how did his royal hotness manage THAT and what does it mean, those things in his eye? And it's cool what SHE did to HER.

imaheroesgeek!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

3 stages of report-writing difficulties

1. You don't know what to write for the report, don't know how to bring the ideas across in a coherent pattern, so can't get started.
2. You know what to write for the report, but don't know how to bring the ideas across in a coherent pattern, so can't get started.
3. You know what to write, you know how to bring the ideas across in a coherent pattern, but can't get started anyway because of laziness.

I'm at number 2!

Monday, May 14, 2007

the precursor procrastination post

My time management is totally effed up. I thought I had all the time in the world on Friday and Saturday to spread out the work I had to do over the weekend. In the end I had to do both AT and AFA projects on Sunday, and left myself at an unnecessary state of panic.

Why do I do this to myself? Goodness. Finally watched Spidey and I have to say I preferred the second movie, but the Green Goblin is just hot. C'mon, he's way cooler than Tobey (who's suffering from receding hairline! Eeeeps! That's all I kept seeing everytime his mask came off).

Ate copious amount of Jap food on Sat. Ichiban for lunch with Yang, Zhi and Isa - the Bath crowd. Then kake soba for dinner with fam. That was my first time eating soba (you may call me a mon-tain tortoise) and... well, it was so-so. Didn't really like tasting wheat in my noodle, but the clear salty soup made up for it.

... I can't believe my AFA submission and AT presentation is this Friday, yet I'm yearning to read Agatha Christie's Hercule Poirot. Short of physically burning all my notes and texts, I am pretty darn set to break that procrastinating record.

In the midst of all the procrastination, I was lucky enough to discover where I'm headed and what I really want. Its strange how philosophical answers just pop into your head when you're eating kinder bueno. Anyways. I've come to the realization that relationships are tiring, even the unofficial ones. I'm not sure I need to be weighed down by the emotional baggage of some fella. Where am I heading? I guess I'm going to be a 'career-minded man', to quote a friend. I want to live comfortably, share relaxed joy with friends. The frustration and complication that the opposite sex give are like decoys detracting away from the road to success.

Aye. Maybe I shouldn't be saying this with nary an internship in sight. I'd better get the next one I applied to. If I can help it I'm not going to let someone take this one from me. Cue war paint & battle cry!

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

i need a sword

Something like Hiro's out of Heroes will do. Totally adore that show by the by. The chicks kick ass (except for Simone but I don't like her character anyway; so irritating) and the guys are lovable, even the super villain. Wait, correct that. ESPECIALLY the super villain. Mr Sylar, you so sexaaaayyyy!

Anyhoo, totally deviated from what I initally wanted to write about. Basically I think I have low self-esteem. The 95% confidence level I had in myself has decreased to maybe 87%. OK that was nerdy statistics-talk but I didn't know how else I could put it. The sword will boost my confidence and psychologically affect my performance, and hopefully with it I can time-travel like Hiro.

Also damn upset that my new bag's already getting dirtified. I guess that's the risk I took when I bought a white-coloured bag that is not leather. Bleah. OK. I saw this green soft leather one in a shop at Raffles City. Will buy that next. Whoopeeee.

I can't believe I haven't watched Spiderman 3 yet. Thanks to someone... COUGH COUGH AHEM AHEM. Supposed to watch with Yang but the fella hasn't given me a solid timing yet. Hurry up!

Monday, May 07, 2007

last night

P Diddy & Keisha Cole

Thursday, May 03, 2007

this.

It feels like a rollercoaster ride - good times, bad times, worse times, better times, bad times again. Dare I say it? Dare I say that I am tired? I'm tired of hoping that something good will come along to stay permanently. All these thrills? They don't last. They are an artificial high.

I've been keeping my chin up, laughing away my concerns when in the company of friends, but in moments like this I tremble with fear.

I'm starting to doubt not just one but several of my capabilities.

Am I able to love and be loved? Why do I feel as if my heart is made of stone. Please, oh please, let it not be made of stone. I just want to be good to someone, give my all to someone, fall and hurt and cry and be broken about someone. So why does my heart balk at the thought? Maybe I need to go it alone for a while. For a long, long time.

Am I able to prove myself? Why is it so difficult to find and be found. One by one I see the people around me achieving the success they desire. Why is it that much harder for me? I'm supposedly smart, I'm supposedly capable, yet each door slammed in front of me even as I took steps to cross the boundary.

I've always been able to console myself before, telling myself that it's going to be all right in the end, that everything will work out wonderfully just as it has always done. But now, buried deep in doubt, I feel not hopeful but lost. Scared. Left behind. You're right, hope is a deceitful dangerous thing. I hate it that you're right but you are.

This is me, bent and broken. Yet I can't take anyone's hand, I'm toughing it out alone. Time is running out.