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Thursday, September 30, 2004

lesson #58: mambo no. 5

Went for Mambo last night with Gary, a classmate from SMU. It was an overall fun night, the music was really really great towards the end! When we first met up, Phuture was playing soul / slow R'nB but then that was only around 1030. He gave me one of his free drinks (ordered vodka lime) and we talked and crapped for a while. Although there were only the two of us, it was still enjoyable. When midnight madness came round, he got us two jugs of vodka cranberry, so we get one each. I was actually quite worried about finishing the whole thing. The jug looked really huge. But we did finish both jugs playing the number game and this weird pointing game, and then we had some help from a STATS classmate (I recognized her face, but I didn't know her name).


I saw a few other acquaintances on the dance floor. But overall the crowd was quite unfriendly, we were pushed here and there so had to hold on to each other lest we fall. Came up with crappy dance moves to accompany the great music, and after dancing with him for some time, I realised that I felt a certain amount of attraction. Oops... This is exactly how it went with Big Nose / H, and look where that led me (see old entry of early Aug)... But I think the attraction is purely due to alcohol influence.

mon has bin bad at 9:42:00 AM

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

lesson #15: shopaholic

The amount of shopping I have done these past few days is truly frightening. I shopped on Friday, then on Sunday, and I shopped again today, which is Tuesday. I used up all four of my Fox discount vouchers. Spent some bling bling at The Wallet Shop. I still feel like buying new nail polishes, a new colour of eyeshadow, and a girl always needs new earrings.


But I don't think that's the reason for my financial meltdown. I've been taking cabs lots of times, I've spent a significant amount on clubbing, and I've wasted away money on food. Food! I can't believe I have actually been spending a lot on food. I mean, food is for normal people.

mon has bin bad at 1:10:00 AM

Sunday, September 26, 2004

lesson #67: the fate of raccoon city

Today is B's birthday. Found out from Alvin that they celebrated it the previous day. It's funny how things change so fast, so drastically. Half a year ago, I'd probably have done something for him, bought him a present, the whole hoo-ha. I'd have gone to the celebration (and endured every single torturous minute of it).


But now, look at us! I've almost forgotten his birthday. I SMS-ed him a birthday wish only at 9 pm, and he took his time to reply me with a thank-you. It's so strange... because I still remember the days when we would message each other back and forth, day and night, talking about nothing special. It's strange, really strange. I still remember the good times we had. I can still feel the warmth from the romantic things he did, the warmth from opening the presents he gave me. He was always so eager to please... He'll ask me so many times, 'do you like the present?' and my heart would go out to him.


So it's strange that today, on his birthday, I went out with another guy on a date along Orchard. Yes N, finally I had a 'real' date from you. We ate fattening food at Marche (the waffle was especially sinful - chocolate syrup, caramel ice cream and LOADS of maple syrup). We watched Resident Evil: Apocalypse, which I really enjoyed (although N may beg to differ since I'd had to cling on to him for dear life everytime a suspenseful scene came on). Milla Jovovich's character is cool!



Not a very girlpower-y gun...


Can't wait to wear my new stripey racerback from Fox to school tomorrow!

mon has bin bad at 11:54:00 PM

Saturday, September 25, 2004

lesson #41: energizer, comforter, patronizer

Stayed over at N's after going to Chinablack with him and his dear, dear friends. Chinablack was boring! The music was commercial house... right. And when R'nB came on they just HAD to have a raid. Spent most of the night SMS-ing away with Alvin, complaining about the bad music inside Zouk/Chinablack.


I cried at N's today, not because we were arguing, but because some calls which upset me badly. It was then that I released a lot of the awful, awful feelings which I'd previously kept inside and therefore kept building up. I guess I broke down because I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt that no one will ever understand how sad I am, but at least someone will be able to comfort me. N did that, although I can sense that he doesn't really know how to handle that kind of emotionally-charged situation. I appreciate the effort, though.


Anyway, last night at Chinablack, I realised that people's perceptions almost never change. I met Michael Enriquez, a guy I knew through CCA back in NJ. He still has a patronizing air about him when he talks to me. I bet he still thinks that I'm this empty bimbo who's just a slacker, as unreliable and flighty as ever. I saw him when I was dancing up on one of the podiums; I saw him look at me, and I saw his facial expression. He looked... flabbergasted. I'm not sure if what he witnessed counts for more minus points against me. But I don't really care about what he thinks anymore, because I no longer require approval from people like him, people who look down on me after seeing my weak side.

mon has bin bad at 10:43:00 PM

Thursday, September 23, 2004

lesson #100: buttnaked freedom

This week has been nothing short of surreal. Everything was so rushed, yet finally came to an end. My LTB presentation, comm presentation, quizzes, and last but not least... dance. All our hard work. Everyday late-night practices. Every single one of our bruises. It is now over. We gave SO much, just for a 4-minute performance. Unbelievable!



Took this from Sydney's blog... hehe


My left buttcheek is especially sore. Can't even sit down properly. Just now I had Stats, and I had had to sit tilting to one side so that I wouldn't put pressure on the sensitive area... Ahem. Was that too explicit?


Last but not least, about freedom. I'm gonna miss not having to answer to anyone. The parents are flying back right now. They will be here in 2 hours' time. I guess it's back to feeling suffocated... I can already feel pangs of sadness, like missing an old lover. I'm gonna miss my freedom really really bad!


A note regarding N:
We are slowly slipping into The Valley of Boredom. Honestly. We're so domesticated, we're like a puppy who only poops into a toilet bowl. When was the last time we had a date which does not involve Burger Kings, a TV set, and a bed? I honestly can't remember. I'm a wine-me-and-dine-me kind of girl. I can't stand not going to Orchard! Lead me back to my destiny - where the shops abound and the discounts never cease! Failing that, take me clubbing and pay for my Snowballs!


I think I'm gonna take him to Fox. I have four 20% discount vouchers for Fox Men/Women and have not used a single one. There's something seriously wrong with that.


(Oh, if you think The Nymph is bad enough, check this out: N is a Hornivore.)

mon has bin bad at 8:50:00 PM

Monday, September 20, 2004

lesson #93: nympho?

"The Nymph
Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer (DBSDf)


Sly. Sensual. Guarded. Different somehow. You are The Nymph.


It appears like you're looking for a fling or a casual sexual relationship, but it's not that simple. You're a hungry but also very careful person, and this generates a certain amount of sexual tension within you and in your relationships. In other aspects of life, you get what you want. In relationships, that's not always the case.


It's possible you intimidate potential lovers. Most likely, though, you're a little closed off--therefore mysterious--and, naturally, people find that difficult to get with. Maybe it's just part of your selection process, though. You've been in enough relationships to know to expose yourself slowly.


When you do feel comfortable with someone, though, your torrid sexual appetite will make him very happy. Your cautious nature is also a big asset in a long-term relationship. It might take longer for love to establish itself, but when it does, it's all the stronger."


Did it really say torrid sexual appetite?? Take the test here.

mon has bin bad at 1:32:00 AM

Thursday, September 16, 2004

lesson #36: the curious incident of the little girl in the night-time

Here is the story of a girl. She was seen walking home at midnight. Her stride was uncertain. Her hair, in disarray. She was limping. She looked like she was carrying a heavy burden--an invisible chain tied round her neck.


Rattle rattle.


Did you see her bruises?


When she turned to look at you, you saw that she has no face.


Eeeeeeeeek! Scary or what? Talking nonsense 'cos too stressed out.

mon has bin bad at 1:18:00 PM

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

lesson #20: couldn't care less anymore

I'm not gonna care about dance anymore. I'll just come to practices wearing whatever I feel like wearing, instead of trying to conform to the dress code. Sheila said to wear hip-hop outfit. I couldn't believe I actually spent ages worrying about what I'm gonna wear. I'm just gonna stop caring. I mean, what the hell is the point?


Some of the dance seniors are really patronizing. I'm really discouraged by the way they give us 'constructive' criticism. Must you really sound like you're a bossy bitch when giving tips on how to do the steps better?


Another aspect of the sessions which made me feel sick, tired, and plain deluded: the choreography. The positioning. I don't appreciate being given a position at the back because I know I'm better than that. I don't appreciate the way Sheila singled out a person to do a semi-solo. I am jealous of that person, yes. But mostly I think it's unfair because we're just as good as she is.


It's just like something Jing said some time ago, probably months ago - there's no point in being part of a dance if you're just gonna be stuck at the back throughout. I realised one of the reasons I enjoyed the Dance Night item this past April (aside from working with people I absolutely love) is because all of us get to be centerstage. There were only five girls, so we all get to stand in one line, in front. Nobody is left out. Nobody is that sad pathetic background dancer which no one notices anyway so who cares if she's doing worse and worse with each rehearsal.


I don't appreciate it when I'm not recognised for the efforts that I put in. What the Emix people, our dear seniors should realise is: criticism is all very well, but what about giving praises once in a while for a change, as another way to encourage us to do better? With constant bombardment of criticism, even the most forward-looking person will get disillusioned at the end of the day.


Dance is my love... I guess sometimes love hurts.

mon has bin bad at 5:22:00 PM

Sunday, September 12, 2004

lesson #25: i have some fresh bad news, just for you!

Have been trying to compose my bad-news letter for hours. So far have only completed one lousy draft, which will no doubt go into the bin, as soon as my braindead self manage to come up with a less horrifying one.


Actually I've almost finished writing a much nicer draft of the refusal letter. All that's left for me to write is just that tiny teeny crunch: the refusal paragraph itself. The rest (buffering intro, alternatives, forward-looking ending) have fallen into place. I've even designed a letterhead, for goodness' sake. The letterhead is probably the most commendable thing about the bloody letter, tho.


Today was quite productive. Did readings, researched for presentation on Atkins diet (didn't know it causes bad breath as side effect - eww), did the wretched assignment... All that's left is Stats revision, and I'll be a happy bunny.


So let's talk about stuff that are even more depressing than the bad-news letter. Like S, for example. I guess after his interest waned, he found no need for us to be good friends anymore. Can't blame him either. I did lead him on, and I'm sorry about that, but is it really too late now for me to extend friendship once again? Yes, we're separated by age. But it's only two years. Yes, we're separated by distance and circumstances. But it's only distance and circumstances. I'd like it if he'd say hi once in a while, when we're both online. Admittedly, sometimes I do ignore people when online. But at other times, I go through all my online contacts and make an effort to just say hi and catch up. I guess he's busy and had other priorities. I guess.


But before, he'd always made time for me.


And I miss that. I miss you, S.


Can't people ever just be friends, without all the complications involved? Maybe nothing was real, before. Maybe it was all just a game. Just a phase that we'd grown out of. But sometimes, I'd like to go back to that place. For old times' sake. Maybe we're too young to drift into nostalgia. But what if, before we knew it, we've grown too old to go back?

mon has bin bad at 9:19:00 PM

Friday, September 10, 2004

lesson #102: buffy and spike

Why did Spike have to die?


Buffy: I love you.
Spike: (smiling) No you don't. But thanks for saying it.


Oh man... I can't take it. It's just too sad.

mon has bin bad at 11:31:00 PM

Thursday, September 09, 2004

lesson #56: i miss clubbing

I think I'm addicted to $10 tees. I've bought 2 in just three days! The first one is a green racerback and beer-themed. The second one is a tube top, jelly coloured (pink and lime green stripes). Shopping at Queensway is actually quite fulfilling, if you can sift through the tacky jeans and leopard-print thongs.


Quite tempted to go to Zouk tomorrow, since Alvin is going. But I think I'll wait til next Friday - free entry for SMU students! Although I'm not sure if the promotion will still be valid. And I don't even know if I could spare the time to go, since school stuff is so overwhelming.


Lastly, I watched a very touching episode of Sex And the City today. It was when Miranda finally told Steve how she felt about him. After countless denials and under weird circumstances (both were in steady relationships with other people), she actually said the words 'I love you'. And when Steve said 'I love you too', tears actually fell from my eyes because it was so beautiful. Everybody hopes to find love, but almost everytime, we mistook some other feelings for love. Like is not love, lust is not love, chemistry alone is not love. Love is warm and comfortable, yet so passionate and unpredictable you feel like you're about to burst. So far, I've only experienced that kind of feeling once. It was a long-distance relationship. We were separated by a Nine West shop-window.


Oh! In a prior episode, Steve walked in on Miranda while she was having sex with her boyfriend, who's a doctor. Steve was so shocked that he turned around and slammed his face against the door frame. His nose bled, so Miranda's boyfriend stuffed it with two halves of a tampon to stop the bleeding. Mwaha!

mon has bin bad at 8:39:00 PM

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

lesson #69: need some lovin'

Today is really an off-day. Can't think of getting up, getting dressed, getting to school... I'm thirsting for a holiday already and it's just four weeks into the term. I'm sure I'll get back on track, but not just yet. Today, I just want to settle deep in the funk and never come out. Partly because of my sore hips, partly stomach cramps, and partly because it is so easy to sink into your own comfort zone. I just want to feel protected. I need a place where everything is all right all the time, where I can forget about all my troubles and worries.


Right now, I need someone who loves me the way I am. Grouchy bitch and all. You'd think getting my period (finally) will make me feel relieved, but instead all I feel is maudlin. And cramps. Lots and loooots of cramps.


'Baby-how can I talk about love and overseas if I can't do this? I would do it even if I had to hop all the way. But do you really want a salad?'


Have just received that SMS from N. He's going to SMU tonight to pick me up and send me home. Sent him a message earlier this morning to tell him he doesn't have to come since I won't be much of a company in my current state, and the above was his reply. He has a slipped disc or however you spell it, some kind of spinal injury. The pain sometimes spread to his legs, hence the hopping comment. Between my cramps and his back condition, we'll be walking home with style.

mon has bin bad at 1:05:00 PM

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

lesson #73: aren't warm-ups supposed to be good for you?

I'm sore all over from last night's dance session. My back (near the tailbone), my butt and my inner thighs are especially aching. The routine wasn't very taxing; the choreographer, Sheila, taught three eights at an all-right pace. But the warm-up really killed me... Crunches, modified pumping, some more crunches, leg-raisers, and yet more crunches... Mummy, I just wanna go hoooooommeeee!


LTB is really fucked up. It's just so... suffocating. You know what, on second thoughts, it's not even fucked up. It is farked up. Yup. Fark fark fark fark fark!


N is still happy with the boob situation. Huh. Men.

mon has bin bad at 9:25:00 PM

Sunday, September 05, 2004

lesson #19: when does a period not come at the end of a sentence?

Still haven't got my period. Argh. This is so frustrating... I mean, this week has been strange enough, what with love confessions* popping left, right and center. And then the mood swings, and the boobs enlargening (not like I suddenly have D-cups or whatever, but let's just say my bras feel snug). Are these not enough cause for a period to come already??


N is gonna think I'm a mad woman if he ever reads this (although he seems pretty happy with the boobs thing). Well N, guess what? I am a mad woman! A mad woman who doesn't get her periods... and that's why she went mad.


* one on Wednesday involved candles, rose petals, and an extremely-freaked-out me. Another one late last night which was very sudden and unexpected. I'm still trying to tame all the hair on my body - they're standing up and refusing to sit down.

mon has bin bad at 9:20:00 PM

Saturday, September 04, 2004

lesson #17: i think i'll just... dance my life away

I am addicted to Shawn Desman's Sexy.


Dance today was quite fun, but somehow I was rather sluggish and laggard. Couldn't really catch the steps. Oh no... Maybe was distracted by the sucky music... But anyway the routine was groovy baby! So just now I played Sexy and All Nite and practised the steps again. Ended up in a dancing mood! I'll make ya dance make ya dance make ya dance baby. I'll make ya dance make ya dance make ya dance...


La la la!

mon has bin bad at 4:15:00 PM

Friday, September 03, 2004

lesson #66: the imaginary bun that is in the oven

Before going to school for LTB meeting earlier today, I made a pit-stop at Orchard. Finding a game for Gameboy Advance was harder than I thought. Finally managed to purchase Sword of Mana at a very expensive price of $56. I feel like I've been cheated! Was actually tempted to forego the whole game thing and just buy something cheaper for my bro's birthday, but it didn't feel right. Paying $56 for a weightless box actually felt right! I must be losing my mind...


Speaking of games, I wanna get this.


Anyway, so after lugging my precious (and bloody heavy) laptop around town, finally got to school area and guess what? It was raining. So I trundled through the rain, drew some money from the ATM and paid for my Eurhythmix membership. The T-shirt they gave was pretty nice! And I know I'm not supposed to gloat or whatever, but I can't help feeling proud that I'm writing my name down under the main performers list and not the introductory class list. It's official, I'm one of the chosen few. Felt like punching the air or something. Just you wait and see, I'm gonna be the best dancer yet. Bring on the competition!


That was sadly the highest note of the day because afterwards everything just came crashing down. I felt so lonely wandering around school all by myself with nowhere to go and nobody to go nowhere with. My handphone battery died so I felt totally unconnected from everything. I can't even tell what time it was. Felt so sad, like I can't find where I belong... of course I had LTB meeting to go to but I just felt weird. The meeting itself was a waste of 2 hours because we couldn't decide between the two CSPs that we have a choice of doing. Some people are very against one, but the rest wouldn't compromise or budge from their position in the argument. It was kind of sad, really. And frustrating. I felt the tension and raised tempers in the air. I ended up feeling very annoyed because we still had so many stuff to do and yet the discussion just dragged on and on.


I was also annoyed at myself because... well. Why haven't I had my period yet?? It's like, way overdue?? At this rate, when it comes it's gonna interfere with dance practices. And I can't even concentrate while shopping (oops I mean... looking for bro's present) 'cos I kept thinking about it! And the more I thought about it, the more pregnancy scares I had, and then I just felt stupid 'cos that's scientifically impossible and yet I kept freaking myself out over it.

mon has bin bad at 6:08:00 PM

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

lesson #24: forget me not

It hurts me a lot. I know I'm supposed to throw everything away, but I think I'll keep that picture of the both of us. Reminded me of the times when everything was still all right. When chemistry was all that matters, nothing else. When I thought falling out was an impossible feat. I'll never actually look at the picture anymore, but I'll keep it. Face down. Let those two people inside the picture experience happiness and innocence forever, until the colours start to run and the paper turns to dust.

mon has bin bad at 11:58:00 AM