Friday, December 31, 2004

lesson #159: end it with a bang

My last post for the year. Somehow I can't believe that it's already the 31st of December. How fast does time fly? I am totally unprepared. I haven't come up with any new year resolutions at all. Hmmm. I think I'll just have one and stick to it.


New year resolution list:
1. Stop being fat.



This picture was taken at Chinablack the night of SMU Ignite bash. My skinny days. My figure now is a mockery of that!



My figure now = a mockery. Look at that tummy! Although I think this picture looks nice. Stole it from Syd's blog.


I'm thinking of donating stuff to the Red Cross. Like, for the earthquake victims. I wonder... Do they only accept monetary donations or do they accept mini skirts as well? I bet my soft toys will be a great hit with the kids.


Well, happy new year people! Party on! Be cool, stay in school. Drink, but don't get drunk. Peace. Out.


...


Lol.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

lesson #136: cih.

Parents flew in... Daddy brought back some DVDs and a stack of Detektif Conan comic books! Wheeeeee! Was so happy when I saw them. But the happiness didn't stay long.


For at the same time, G began messaging me on MSN. Usually, this will be a reasonably normal routine. But tonight was different. We had a tense situation which started from late last night. Thought he was messaging me to make amends, but the conversation took several turns for the bad, and then the worse, and then the worst yet. My high mood, the result of receiving goodies from my dad, plummeted just like that. The emotional rollercoaster was probably the start of my PMS... *groans* not THAT time of the month again! But anyway, I digress.


So we had an online quarrel. A very very bad online quarrel. Because I was sittin' as comfy as ever on my bed and then I started crying. He said a lot of very hurtful things which I didn't think possible to come out of his mouth. Or appear on an MSN chat screen. I don't remember how long the quarrel lasted. To me it seemed endless. Found comfort in easy talk with Timmo - we joked about sardines in a can. But still, it failed to lift my mood. I was disillusioned. I didn't think G could be so mean.


In the end, we made up and started being jokey-jokey with each other again. Although I do feel relief, right now it's still too raw to be called a closed chapter. The chapter is in fact still gaping open. For one, the quarrel made me realise that I had been a fool.


I honestly thought that this relationship has a potential to last, because it seems somehow different. I'm not really sure how to explain it, myself. I guess I saw something. But the night's events have proven to me that what I saw may not be necessarily good. The past couple of weeks I have been slowly immersing myself in him. I actually thought that I could expose myself and be vulnerable, just this once. What a fool! Now that I've tasted the extent of hurt he's capable of dishing out, how much more painful will it be when my heart breaks?


Now I think retreating slightly is the best course of action. I'll step back with one foot out the door. Just to be safe.


N once said that I'm this strong, independent woman. But I'm not really, I'm still a small kid who's afraid of getting hurt. Didn't realise it when I was still with him, but N never did make me feel hurt.


There is no doubt that I still have feelings for G, but the turn of events have made me wary of him somewhat. I hated him with all my being and soul for a few minutes. I really thought he was a big, bad meanie, who didn't stop even when I told him it hurt. It's funny, how you can like someone really bad and yet dislike him at the same time. But that's what I'm feeling now. I guess it's true what they say. Love and hate are just two sides of the same coin.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

lesson #134: be good

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
She's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me


Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made


Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong and boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart


On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

lesson #122: the curious poolside gathering

Jing came over to slack around yesterday. Then one by one Kunali, Sydney, Jun and Celine came for our discreet pool party. It remained discreet until Sydney finished her third helping of Hooch and Bacardi.


We took indecent bikini pictures (girls, send 'em over so I can put some up!) and then went for a splash at the jacuzzi. Synchronisedly waved to a shadow who was peeking at us. Also observed a guy who spent a long time in his bathroom, which happens to have a view of the jacuzzi. Jun was the one who harped on the most about The Guy. I bet she secretly fancies him! Tee hee.


After the jacuzzi session, G came and then we played some drinking games. Everybody got a taste of a wonderful concoction of mine. It's a mix of Hoegaarden, Bacardi, and... potato chip crumbs. I call it Suicide. It smells and tastes like puke.


The girls had to leave early - around 10.30 pm. So after sending them off, G brought me to Wine Network. When I finally got home, I cleared up some of my stuff. I was carrying a bundle of clothes with a pair of pointy silver scissors snuggled in the middle. Then I shifted my carrying angle and the scissors dropped. Onto my foot. It landed on my foot with the pointy bit first. And so the scissors 'punctured' my foot. Ouch...


Minutes later, I noticed a small blob of blood forming on and around the punctured area. It was very small, about 2 mm in diameter, but the blood was as dark as the nail polish I'm wearing on my toes. My puncture wound matches my nail polish - how cool is that? So anyway, then I started thinking, what if it hadn't just been a small puncture? If the drop angle has been just slightly more vertical, I'd probably have ended up with a hole in my foot. Then again, the sharpness of the scissors can be turned into an advantage of sorts. Since it's a small pair of scissors, I can just carry it around in my purse or wherever as protection against Evil Beings (namely leery guys, etc). So it's a lucky discovery, how I punctured my foot.


Am gonna trade books with Kunali today. Oh yeah! Gimme sum' of that MA lurrrve, baby! *long pause* Sigh... This signifies that the end (of the holidays) is near. Soon, the fat lady's gonna sing. I'm gonna have to face the music. School will start. At least this means Zhi will come back soon. Have missed shopping with you, babe!


Lastly, my parents are gonna come back from Indo tomorrow. Can't wait! Have asked dad to get me some comic books (ooooh... it's been so long) and DVDs. Sooo can't wait to see what he's got me! Yay yay yay! And check this out, my mum's gonna start working again next year. She's gonna have to travel a lot. And my dad will be working in Jakarta for a long term. Although I'll miss them a lot, I'll also cherish the freedom. And sometimes a certain distance is good when it comes to parents. You can love them without having to deal with their nagging!

Sunday, December 26, 2004

lesson #113: eternity - robbie williams

Close your eyes so you don't feel them
They don't need to see you cry
I can't promise I will heal you
But if you want to I will try
Sing this summer serenade
The past is done we've been betrayed, it's true
Someone said the truth will out
I believe without a doubt in you


You were there for summer dreaming
and you gave me what I need
and I hope you'll find your freedom
for eternity
for eternity


Yesterday when we were walking
You talked about your mom and dad
What they did that made you happy
What they did that made you sad
We sat and watched the sun go down
Then picked a star before we lost the moon
Youth is wasted on the young
before you know it's come and gone too soon


You were there for summer dreaming
and you gave me what I need
and I hope you'll find your freedom
for eternity
for eternity


Sing this summer serenade
the past is done we've been betrayed, it's true
youth is wasted on the young
before you know it's come and gone too soon


You were there for summer dreaming
and you are a friend indeed
and I hope you'll find your freedom
for eternity


You were there for summer dreaming
and you are a friend indeed
and I know you'll find your freedom
eventually
for eternity

Saturday, December 25, 2004

lesson #125: merry christmas, everyone!

It's Christmas today! So just for today, shed all your worries and sadness and anxieties and heartaches. Just for today, forget about feeling insecure and small and all the other bad stuff! Because today we celebrate something truly magical. The birth of Jesus! And even though I felt a little lazy to go to church this morning, looking back, now I'm glad that I went. Not sure why I'm glad, but I am.


OK, enough religious talk. Had a quiet day at home so far, spent it mostly online playing Solitaire Showdown with G. Beat him like, 16 games to 11 games. Challenge me some time, I'm good!


Speaking of G, he gave me a custom gift set from Bodyshop. It's the strawberry set that I've raved on in this blog before - consisting of shower gel, body lotion, exfoliating scrub and perfume oil! Oh gosh. I love it so much. I sort of hinted to him before that I wanted the set, but then he told me that he couldn't afford it. I understand, because he did have to buy presents for the rest of his friends and he's spent more than enough on me as it is. (Yes, yes... I'm high maintenance.) But then yesterday, he made me look for my Christmas present myself. So after much searching, I caught a glimpse of... a huge pink Bodyshop gift box! *GAAAASP*


It was definitely a surprise! Didn't expect it at all. Was so happy that bimbotic giggles kept escaping from my mouth. And I am still happy! Went to bathe just now with my new juicy shower gel. The heady strawberry scent is heavenly. G, thank you so much for... everything!

Friday, December 24, 2004

lesson #124: do we know it's christmas time at all?

Told N that I'm with G now. Needless to say, N didn't take it too well. There were more than one emo moment, and in the end he said he wasn't going to give me up without a fight. He also said that if I'm happy, then he's happy for me. But I seriously don't think that he's a very happy bunny right now... I'm worried that he's gonna do something stupid. I guess the timing wasn't right. I single-handedly ruined this year's Christmas for him. N, I'm truly sorry.


On a lighter note, somebody stole my Christmas wrapping paper as I was walking along Orchard. G was holding the Kinokuniya carrier for me. One minute the wrapping paper was still poking out of the bag. The next minute it's gone! I'm amazed that pickpocketing has gone to such an extreme. It's gone to such an astonishing $1.55 wrapping paper extreme. But my loss is incomparable to Jing's, who lost her $600 Nokia phone in Malaysia after having been in her posession for only two or so weeks. I FEEL FOR YOU, GIRL! Sob!


Took pictures by assorted Christmas trees...



Like that...



But I prefer taking pictures next to Armani dresses...



What vulgarity on a shirt!



But this face is even more vulgar.

Monday, December 20, 2004

lesson #111: there's gotta be more than this.

Currently, I have a total of 4 SMSes in my phone inbox. This is because in the morning, I accidentally deleted my whole inbox. A hundred plus messages, kept since the end of last year, now erased forever. Funny messages from friends, romantic ones from boyfriends, forwarded ones from bored people. My inbox was the chronicle of my life, but no more. At first I felt shock. I tried to stop the deleting process by futilely pressing all the buttons like a mad woman but that did nothing. I was pretty numbed by the loss. Minutes later, I felt refreshed. I thought that maybe this is God's way of giving me a new start, as the messages I kept are mostly loaded with meaning and therefore baggage. But now I just feel empty.


In fact, I've felt empty throughout this holiday. I can't believe it's already coming to an end. What have I accomplished? What have I done? I've done nothing, except to grow fat. I feel stuck in a rut. I haven't really done anything fun except for certain instances. I've felt that everything I did had a time limit. I'm supposed to be relaxing but I'm not. Seems like, everyday there are tons of inane stuff to plan, and yet at the end of the day, I'll still feel bored and unfulfilled.


Let's talk about Christmas Eve and Christmas day itself. How the hell am I gonna celebrate it? I have no idea. It feels to me that such a momentous occasion should be celebrated in a big way. Going out and walking around isn't enough. Furthermore, you have to choose your company well. You can't just go out with an old friend even though both of you haven't got anything planned for the day. It's bloody Christmas after all. You should celebrate it with the special people in your life! This is the impression I have of How to Celebrate Christmas Properly. Man, I'd skip 25th Dec any day. Just the buying of presents itself is one big headache, especially when you're broke.


Even as I'm writing this, I'm not really sure of what I actually want. The only thing I know is that I'm bored, unfulfilled, and crazily frustrated sometimes. I just wanna do the things that I wanna do. I'm not sure what the things I wanna do are, but I know that they're Not This. They're just... not this. I've had enough of This.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

lesson #109: do that thang lemme do the thang

Finally met Rachel today. It's been super duper long! It's like they say, 'ne'er the twain shall meet' or something like that. Well, today, the twain did meet indeed! We met up at Bugis and walked around looking for Christmas presents. Was sorely tempted to buy Bodyshop's strawberry lip balm. In fact, was tempted to buy the whole Strawberry set (body lotion, bath/shower gel, a soap bar and lippie) but that'll set me back a whopping $90. Rach ended up buying stuff for her own selfish use instead of getting Xmas pressies! Naughty naughty.


At night, Gary and I decided spontaneously to go to the dance competition finals held at Zouk. Within one hour, we'd driven to SMU (where we printed out the e-invite), endured a frustrating jam around Orchard area, and finally arrived safe and sound at Zouk. Had to wait for about an hour before the thing actually started. But it was Worth The Wait! The contestants are good dancers, especially a group called Shockwave. They've got that hiphop flavour, that particular style... They look like one of the groups out of You Got Served! I'm in such a hip-hopping mood now.


Oh, should really watch the Andy Lau show - A World Without Thieves. It's pretty interesting. Thoughtful and at times funny. Tho the ending sucked. I HATE SAD ENDINGS! Watched this show yesterday and now when I walk along roads I wedge my neon yellow MNG bag tightly against my armpit so that crafty thieves out there can't get at my goodies.


Before watching the show, bumped to Jing and her dah-ling at Taka. They were waiting to giftwrap a knife, a Christmas present for Ben's mum. Jing chopped off her hair again! At this rate, we won't be twins for a long long time...

Thursday, December 16, 2004

lesson #104: splurrrrge

The Queensway outing turned out to be an unprecedented impulsive shopping spree. Bought a gorgeous pair of Adidas shoes for $76, 3 pairs of socks for $10, and a replacement grip for my badminton racquet. On top of that, also purchased a white racer top with pink flower sequins, and then a white relaxed-neck tee from this hip-hop store. Can't wait to wear my new purchases!


Our conquests:

Not including the yellow guy with the cap of course. *laughs at own joke*

lesson #112: my tired bones

Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy
Living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road, get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you


What a sad song... When I listen to it, images form in my mind of a tired grandpa who's reminiscing his past and regretting decisions he'd made. He's tired and he just wants to be happy, and couldn't care less about other stuff, 'cos he's hit the end of the road.


Speaking of being tired, went for dance workshop on Tuesday and now my whole body is aching! My head is sore from supporting my weight when doing freeze (yes, we learned breakdancing from two SMU breakers! It was so cool... Check out the pictures at Sydney's blog). My shoulders are now perpetually locked in pain after several Nike-ing attempts. And I still couldn't do it! Syd and Jun can do it beautifully, though. My thighs and butt are sore as well! It takes me 5 minutes to sit down and 5 minutes to get up. And my back! It creaks! 'Cos we had to do this back exercise where we lie face down on the floor with legs straight and close together, then a partner pulls our arms up until our upper body is more or less 90 degrees off the ground. Then the partner sits on our legs and slowly release her grip on the arms but we still have to hold our upper body's upright position! That was plain torture.


Watched Blade Trinity yesterday. I think the first movie was better. This one is kinda lame what with Dracula as the main bad guy. And the plot wasn't really given chance to develop well. The evil female vampire was played out beautifully by this actress called Parker Posey (or something similar) though.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

lesson #158: pump, p-puh-pump it up

"My jump off doesn't run off at the mouth so much
My jump off never ask why I go out so much
My jump off never has me going out of my way
And she don't want nothing on Valentine's Day
My jump off don't argue or get rebellious
And she don't mind hanging out wit da fellas
My jump off's not insecure or jealous"
-- Pump It Up, Joe Budden


Huh. Is his 'jump off' some kind of an inflatable doll? Because real women argue and get rebellious. Because we are always right.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

lesson #109: huh.

I feel ill. My head is thumping. Was really bad last night, then it disappeared this morning, and tonight it's decided to start the beat going again. Ugh... And it's coupled by the feverish feeling that I have. Like, a kind of disoriented, goosebumpsy feeling? Topped off by runny nose. What bad timing to fall ill! Nooooh... I wanna go for dance workshop this coming Tuesday! I wanna go go-karting. I wanna watch Blade Trinity! I definitely don't want to fall ill this holiday. There are too many things I want to do and too little time. I have no time to get sick.


Sidenote: Had the best orgasmic experience in my life this afternoon - barley water is GOOD! Also finally watched 13 Going On 30, which left me feeling all romantic and gooey. Or maybe I felt gooey because my nose was runny. Whaah-tchoo!

lesson #107: HAH!

I did it! I solved the bloody code that my ex sent. The order of the alphabet was reversed. So I saw the message he actually wanted to tell me, and my first reaction was pissed-offness. He has no business to suddenly barge in and say crap like that. But now the annoyance has subsided. Now I really don't know what to say to him. Obviously there's no possibility of going back. I've outgrown him. He just seems so childish and insecure. A part of me thinks he's doing this because he's lonely. Or maybe, he's finally realised what he lost when I said that final goodbye months ago. In any case, I still want us to be friends so I don't want to hurt his feelings. A delicate matter indeed.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

lesson #135: of codes and dreams

Read Zhi's blog. Sincerely hope things will work out for her. It seems an exciting journey - she doesn't know where she'll end up but she's still climbing up that mountain in her Mary Janes. I have to admit I'm living vicariously through her. I badly miss that Thrill Of The Chase. Miss the whole heart-racing, flirty and giggly sensation. Miss the uncertainty, the what-ifs, even the possibility of what we Indos call 'bertepuk sebelah tangan' - unrequited love (or lust, as the case maybe). I miss that crucial moment just before two persons become one (and I mean not in a session of crude raunchy sex), just before they become a couple - that moment when you ask yourself, "Could this be it?" Could this really be the end of your journey? Could this be for Ever After?


Emotional riddles aside, I was reading The Da Vinci Code yesterday night (am at the bit where he decoded the O, lame saint! thing) when came an SMS from an ex: "wvvk wldm r hgroo nrhh blf". Yes, that was really what he sent me. I suddenly felt that I was in a parallel universe where everybody speaks in codes. So anyway, I messaged him back asking what it was and then he said, it's a coded message (ok, that was a 'duh'). And that it was a difficult one, but he hoped I can decipher it.


Well, I can't. It can't be an anagram because of the lack of vowels. It's most probably a case of different assignation of the alphabet (when you have to read R as A, H as N, etc.) but I've discovered that it's a totally random assignation. There is simply no pattern if I were to take the words as they were. Or maybe, it's a combination of both anagram and assignation. After decoding the assignation, the letters still have to be switched around in order to make sense.


Urr... too many possibilities for me. Gonna tell him I can't decipher it. SO hate not knowing the solution of a puzzle, though. And why on earth would he send me something like this, anyway? It's completely out of the blue! How strange.

Friday, December 10, 2004

lesson #156: the night of the sweaty armpits

Went Mambo last night with Gary and Zhi. Also met Alvin and some classmates. There were quite a lot of people around! Although Phuture was packed as usual, but at least they didn't block the entrance. Drank vodka lime, vodka cranberry (ribena?), brown cow, flaming, and then to end the night, had a screaming orgasm. It was frothy and yummy, although not as sweet as brown cow. As a result, I was high and unhibited for half the night. Which means I was easily pissed off by the crowd closing in on me on the dance floor, so I pushed and shoved. When a guy stepped on my toes, I screamed, then shouted, "OUCH! Can you DON'T step on my toe??" then glared at him. When another person, a girl (stupid bitch), stepped on me later on in the night, I repeated the glare and shout routine. Felt rather guilty for behaving like such a bitch.


Also felt that my dancing attracted too much unwanted attention. Have to be more reserved next time and just move my body side-to-side like a pendulum.


Saw my LTB grade for the first time this afternoon and I wasn't pleased. I received a B+ for all the blood, sweat, and tears that I have wrung for that stupid course! Wrote a request for review to the professor, let's hope she will consider pushing my grade up a notch so that I can get A-.
My fingers and toes are all crossed!


Anyway, I'm addicted to this online game called Maple Story. Try it at www.mapleglobal.com. It's just oh-so-cute. My character's called Monicat, so say hi to me when you're around!

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

lesson #111: spectacular spectacular

Why are boys so obsessed with wanting to see a girl wear specs? Or maybe I shouldn't generalise. Maybe it's just the boys I've been romantically involved with. I've heard the statement 'I wanna see you in glasses' from different guys not once, not twice, not thrice, not four times, but five times! (Eh, not all of them ended up as boyfriends...)


So anyway. You see, my dear man, the reason I'm not wearing glasses in front of you is because I look fuggly wuggly ugly in them. But although I resist, they insist. And just to get it over with, I'd send over a picture of me in glasses, looking fuggly wuggly ugly. And they'd laugh and laugh and laugh... And finally say that I don't look too good in glasses. DUH! Hello! I've only been trying to tell you that for eons! Errarrgh.


My first boyfriend was different, though. He didn't just want to see a picture. He wanted to see me WEAR glasses right in front of him. Yep. Wanted me to walk around wearing glasses, while he observed. What am I, a circus chimpanzee? Although his request didn't seem unreasonable, it did prove to be an annoying one. Because in the end, I gave in and brought forward those sacred specs and very very slowly, in slow motion it seemed, put them on. And then he said, disappointed, "You don't look very good in them." ERRARRGH! What the hell is your problem? I've done as you say, despite me hating my own vision in glasses. The least you can do is LIE and tell me I look okay. Tell me anything, but definitely NOT that I look fuggly wuggly ugly. It isn't a very nice feeling when people confirm your insecurities. Self-confidence takes a beating, and all that.


Moral of the story? Listen to the girl. When she says she doesn't look good in something, listen to her! Spare both of you the agony of an ugly sight.


Sigh.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

lesson #123: straight brownie

Yesterday my curls died a premature death. It was an accident - an impulsive murder. The murderer pleads self-defense. "My stylist told me that both curly and straight hair will look good. I only had seconds to respond before he had to start either the perming or the 3-Pro straightening process. I felt backed up against the wall. It was a reflex thing!"


As of now, she is still detained for further questioning by her own self. "Why? Why did you do it? Why didn't you go for the spa perm?" "You see, it's a disaster now! Utterly irrepairable until the next salon visit! Plain ho-ho-ho-horrrible!" "Your clothes are all wrong now! All the stuff you tried on when you still had curly hair only looked good on you with curly hair! It looks all wrong with straight hair!"


Errarrgh! My hair looks so typical. Yep. Yes ma'am. I am your TYPICAL STRAIGHT-HAIRED GIRL! Fucking hell. You know what typical straight-haired girls are like? They are 1)boring 2)boring and 3)boring. They're not in anyway sexy because they look plain, plain, plain. Drab, drab, drab. For girls with curly hair, one look at their face and boom! They just spell f-o-x-y. Your typical straight-haired girl spell f-l-a-t. No offence to all the typical straight-haired girls out there, of course. It's not your fault that you're boring.


So ANYWAY, watched Alexander today with the giraffe. Alexander is a stupid show. Do not watch it. Repeat, do not watch Alexander! Its only saving grace is Angelina Jolie's nice curly hair (sob). The rest of the movie sucked. Really bad. It was the first time I was actually tempted to walk out of the cinema halfway through. But I've never been an escapist *cough* so I withstood it. I withstood it in all its mind-numbing 3-hour glory. The movie makes little sense, has little meaning, and creates absolutely no impact. Troy, it is not.


I don't understand why, rather than glorifying Alexander, they punified him and made his character so pompous, stubborn and arrogant. It's just so... wrong! An epic is about a hero, and this Alexander didn't really seem like one. He talks crap half of the time, and the other half he spends it kissing boys. The movie didn't flow well either. It just felt rough and unedited. The narrator talks too much. And why was one of the Greek generals speaking with an Irish accent? Alexander was the son of Zeus, they say. I say, Colin Farrell's hair looks totally like a wig. Maybe should recommend him a 3-Pro straightening.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

lesson #108: he who held my hand

Met N just now. It was a sad goodbye. He cried and accused me of not caring because I looked nonchalant. Eventually I cried too. And then, after he'd walked me home and I was safely in my room, I cried again. I cried buckets.


I'm trying to write this down as fast as I could, trying to recall as much details as I could. He said some things. "I don't understand why you always have to be so strong." "But I wanna face those problems with you." "When you want a boyfriend, call me."


My mum called when we were talking, she asked me to hurry on home. After being scolded by her, I can't help but to open up a little bit and I kind of teared. And then he held my hand, and I felt security washing over me. I felt protected. I wrote, a few hours ago, about finding my home. I found it the few minutes he held my hand.


I want to thank you, N, for giving me the chance to release all the pent-up emotions inside. After crying my eyes out I felt calm and peace and a sense that things are gonna be okay. I also want to thank you for the best hug I have ever received in my life.


When I was crying buckets, the thought came repeatedly into mind - am I making the wrong decision? I was shaken.


At the end, I let go of his hug, and then his hand. Both of us will be all right, eventually.

lesson #104: never lay your heart out on a bed of needles

I don't really know what the point of life is. To achieve something? To be rich and famous, and yet feel sad inside? Stayed over at Jing's house yesterday and this afternoon, on the bus ride home, I started to get more and more depressed. I felt this longing to be at home. You know the kind of feeling when you're elsewhere and all you wanna do is just go home and... do the things you do at home? Just relax and nest and be happy. But then I stepped inside my house and I realised that my home isn't a happy place to be in.


How can it be, with all the constant nagging? How can it be a place of escape, when all I wanna do is just to escape from it. I feel constrained, in a leash, bound by some invisible force that is just holding me back. I feel suffocated. You wanna know how it feels like? It feels like you scream real hard, but no sound came out.


I miss my old self. I was happy-go-lucky at the start of SMU just a short five months ago. I was at the very top of the world then, gazing down and basking in the wonders that life holds for me. I felt wanted, cherished, loved. Secure, safe, confident. Content with what I have, not needing anything else. Most importantly, I felt happy. I didn't realise it then. I've only learned what happiness is when I'm not feeling it, which is right now. Of course, there were moments when all I did was grumble and complain. But those were minor, petty annoyances. Right now, there is a big gaping hole waiting to suck me in. I'm afraid it had already sucked my heart, because it is just aching right now.


I wanna go home, wherever home is now. Sometimes home is at The Sterling. Sometimes it's in the possession of my friends. Sometimes I find it walking along Orchard Road alone, but other times I've had to hold someone's hand. Sometimes it will be at N's (but no more).


Wish I could've told someone that I'm depressed, but I'm not sure what I'd say. And what would the other person say? That it's gonna be okay? Or will he/she dish out an advice, which I'll disregard in the end because it's just all wrong? Sometimes the best support is a silent one. Just shut up and be there. I hope I can find someone who'll shut up and be there with me.