Tuesday, February 06, 2007

what a joke

I'm overwhelmed by today's series of incidents. They screw up my system, my emotions, my belief, my pride, everything.

First: woke up late. When I had set an alarm to ensure I woke up early, as well as making sure I had sufficient sleep. It is disturbing to know that despite all precautions the end result is much worse than expected. I hated myself for being late, had to rush through everything and thus I felt less prepared for the impending FT interview.

Second: screwed up FT interview. It seems to be a snowball effect. I did the worst possible job on it, even blanking out for seconds, staring into space, and asking, "err, can I restart?". Yet when I told my friends about this royal flush of a fuckup, their response is, "surely it's not that bad."

= DISBELIEF.

I feel like the boy who cried wolf.

Honestly, when I'm confiding in you a personal anguish with my face contorted in a hundred different directions, or over MSN my vowels and punctuations go beyond the required number (eg. aaaaaaaah nooooooo soobbbbbbb !!!!!!!!!!!!) it IS that bad. I'm not one to be theatrical and exaggerating about issues I regard seriously. But I guess to some people it's not that big a deal, screwing up an FT interview as opposed to a real work interview. Thing is, I now have this traumatic experience and I'd be asking myself constantly

"what if I fuck up a real work interview as well? Surely I'd be more nervous when a real job is at stake! If I can't do a decent one for a stupid half-mod course, how can I do well in a real one when the questions are surely to be tougher??"

Well, I suppose I'd have to practice 1,001 times in front of the mirror to get my body language right, to stop myself from tittering, and MOST IMPORTANTLY no blanking out and "err, restart" comments!

Lesson learned the hard way, and I accept the fact that it is solely my fault though with a heavy heart. I deserve an ugly grade.

Hokay dokay. Moving on...

Third: Late in submission of Ethics project part. Was reading through the ethical theories and halfway I fell asleep. Isn't there an illness associated with sleeping patterns? Like how you can sleep anytime, anywhere because of low blood pressure or something? Damn. I'm starting to feel like I'm suffering from that. No matter how much sleep I have I seem to require more and that's interfering with work!

Fourth: Not enough time in the day to manage to read Marketing chapters. And my quiz is on Thursday, so technically I have 2 days left. Half a day will be burnt in school because of classes, meetings, and dance. Another half a day would be devoted to resume / cover-letter writing & going out to print them in nice paper. So 1 day left. F*** F*** F*** F*** F***!

I wish everything isn't happening all at once!

Fifth: Something that's not happening to me personally, but I've witnessed a friend got burnt really bad by a guy. And it angers me, saddens me, frustrates me that she is feeling so hurt because of an insensitive bugger. Why is it that men can trample all over women's feelings any day and feel nothing for it? If they feel guilt, it would be related to themselves ('I don't want her to hate me'), or marginal.

OK, by stating 'men', I'm making a categorical accusation, hence I shall modify it to 'male players'. You are a player if you play with a person's feelings to satisfy a short-term need of something.

I'm angry that these men don't seem to think before they act. They are callous and careless. They leave a bad impression and they think they can get away with anything. Even if they say sorry,

How will that stop the hurt?

Girls can't help putting them on pedestals. Only time would heal the wounds, I really can't think of any other cure. So while someone is walking around with a great burden, someone else is happily courting another girl.

How to stop the hurt

when you're reminded of it constantly, by sight and hearsay?

I'm giving these male players some credit here, I'm assuming they are not complete dumbasses to not be aware of the consequences of their actions.

If you are aware, why do you still do it?

Do you regard the girls you play with as a disposable commodity?

How do you justify your actions?

How do you sleep at night?

When you're old and 40 and your back is bent and your stomach is a beer bong you would wish for the love of a good woman, only to realize that there is no good woman left for you.