Saturday, January 06, 2007

shit shit shit

Met up with Jun to return her guidebooks yesterday. The meeting evolved into a group meeting with Kunz, Tiff, Celest and Mich at NYDC and it was really nice just having girly chats. I must say I'm awful glad for their concern over the recent break-up. All of us headed home early and the early night was a welcomed change as well.

In fact I ended up sleeping (falling asleep more like) before 11 pm thus missing my daily freeroll tournament on Unibet. Bah.

I spoke to the girls of being barren yesterday. In the sense that I can see no boys filling up my little black book (not that I have any) (note to self: must buy 2007 daily planner) in the near future. I just don't see any hope. It's like a switch inside me has been turned off - I'm no longer capable of producing & maintaining a sustainable crush on anyone, especially not in SMU.

This might just be a defense mechanism - if I don't feel anything for anyone, then I can't be hurt. Of course, just like in a poker game, if you don't play the hand you have absolutely no chance of winning. I guess I'm just in the risk-averse phase.

Speaking of boys! Despite having been attached approximately 3 times, boys are still a mystery to me. Hence I have the tendency to overanalyse the things that they do.

If someone sends me a love song over MSN, I'd start asking, Why did he send me this song? Was it something in the lyrics? Is he trying to tell me something? Is he interested in me?

If someone asks me to meet up for coffee, I'd think, Is this his way of asking me out? Why does he want to know all about my breakup? Is he interested in me?

If someone offers me his drink at a club, I'd wonder, Is he trying to get me high so he can dance with me? Is he looking at me more than at the other girls? Is he going to make a move on me? Is he interested in me?

As you can see I am rather neurotic. Reading signals when there are none. Guess I'm like that bloke in A Beautiful Mind. I simply MUST change my way of thinking. From now on, no more trying to interpret "subtle hints". I'll simply take the view that we are all friends, we are all neutral, we are all asexual. Any gesture of kindness will be taken at face value and I shall not assume any hidden intentions behind it. Any flirtation would meet with my dead wall of act-blur-ness. I will not let myself fall until I am absolutely certain that you will catch me.

In poker, this would classify as a check-fold tactic when not in possession of the ultimate strongest hand on the table.

Deadly Sin of the Day: Greed