Sunday, December 17, 2006
lesson #063: it feels so empty without youIt's 2 AM in the morning and I'm sipping my tea and thinking. And thinking and thinking and thinking. I can't stop my brain churning out all sorts of things. Such sad, melancholy things.
I'm still drinking tea late in the night.
What changed?
I'm not drinking it in the kitchen with Zhi, she's not here to dish out advice to neurotic me.
I'm still eating suppers.
What changed?
The kitchen is empty, Sherazade doesn't pop in once in a while, Coralie isn't here to try to stop herself from eating Nutella.
We still played poker.
What changed?
The poker gang seemed to shrink and fold into itself. There's only me, Yang, Josh, Henrik and Manuel. And we all knew Henrik will be leaving soon as well. While Josh still cracked his jokes and we still ooh-ed and aah-ed at nice hands, the game felt short and empty. The laughter didn't feel real, as if we're all too conscious of the gap left behind by the others. Kosta, Alex, Anders, Jerome, Quentin, and of course... Zhi. It's become a habit to try to persuade her to play. Now that there's no need any more, it feels... weird.
The nicer Manuel is to me, the more advice Josh tries to give me during the game, the sadder I feel. The poker chips felt heavy in my hand, and my leaden heart wouldn't let me play well. Throughout the game I thought I was waiting for a nice hand but I realized I didn't give a crap about the hands. I was waiting for something else. I was waiting for that little bursts of happiness that come out of playing with the people you've grown close to. Our tight-knit little poker gang. And now half of them are gone. There's no Kosta to tell Josh to quiet down; no Alex to go, "Aaaaaaall iiiiiinnnnn"; no Anders to sit quietly and wait for everybody to get kicked out. It feels weird that some of them were still here yesterday night, yet they're all gone tonight.
What changed?
Thornbanks feels empty.
"Don't cry, little Mon." you said. But I can't. It's as if I've found and then lost something good. You guys made my stay in Thornbanks so enjoyable. I look forward to our meetings, be it poker or going out or just talking on MSN. I'm glad to have gained your friendship, I'm glad for poker because it brought all of us together.
I'm sorry but tonight I think I'll cry a little. Just to release this bit of sadness and to tell you that you're sorely missed.
What changed?
Everything, man, everything.
mon has bin bad at 9:59:00 AM
