Wednesday, January 25, 2006

i bet you want the goodies

Bet you'd thought about it. 'Cos you all hot 'n bothered... Aack can't get this song out of my head. Somebody update my MP3 player! You know you're getting on with age when you're still stuck on songs from eons ago.

I'm a little bit cheered up from yesterday's event. Mostly because I've blocked all thoughts of it for now and apply the ingenious medicine they call 'numbness'. This is a very bad method to deal with problems but it works as a quick fix.

Actually am experiencing a mix of emotions right now. A little bit of the old 'oh-shit-what-the-heck-am-i-getting-myself-into', a little bit of 'oh-my-goodness-is-this-really-happening', some 'what-what-what-what-WHAT?', a pinch of 'no-no-don't-go-there', and many more. Vera will CERTAINLY not approve. Babe... I've been bad.

Also feel *extremely* guilty to my grandma who came here for a health check-up. Earlier today she was, as grannies do best, nagging me about how skinny I was and how pale and puny I looked. I should eat more and get a little bit more fat and I should be getting more sleep instead of looking so tired all of the time. Well, I did look pretty tired then. Thing is I couldn't tell her the reason why I looked so tired. I was mentally exhausted from yesterday's event and I just. Can't. Tell. Her.

So I kept quiet and walked off to get ready for driving and school after some moments have passed.

Extremely rude, extremely uncalled for, and I thought I'd just make up for it by being nice to her some other time because right then my mind was so laden with shit that I couldn't take any sort of nagging. I was irritable at best, a bomb ready to explode at worst. What I didn't know was that she'd leave for Jakarta in the afternoon, so she was gone before I could make amends. GAH.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a kid. What distinguishes adults from children is, I feel, the presence of guilt. As a child, you don't feel guilty crying and making a scene in public in an attempt to get your parents to buy you that toy which you will just destroy within a week. Guilt is the reason why people's shoulders start to droop when they get older. It's just too heavy to carry around for long.