Saturday, November 19, 2005

lesson #235: a great afternoon reading

Think I mentioned in a previous post that I wrote an essay for this CCTE competition. The theme was 'Blue'.

What's blue to me

Blue is the underlying emotion of the past few weeks. It is the embodiment of loneliness and grief. Blue is feeling lost and alone in a room full of people you used to know, people whom you thought you knew but did not. It is the fake smiles and the superficial banters, attempts to make the awkwardness go away. It is the sadness of losing friends who were never really your friends. It is losing touch, losing grip, and falling down to a bottomless pit where you pitifully try to seek solace and comfort.

Blue is anger and injustice, it is feeling jealous and feeling guilty for feeling jealous. It is not knowing why things are the way they are, it is wondering what you have missed that other people did not. It is the unexplainable quiet funk that you could not get out of no matter how hard you try.

Blue is finding warmth in the unlikeliest places, it is discovering new emotions, new sides of people, and a new you. It is knowing you can share your pain with someone else. It is shared tears, shared complaints, shared hugs.

Blue is the feeling of failure, again and again and again. It is losing belief in yourself and doubting your own capabilities. It is gazing at your face in the mirror and hating it for its failures. It is the disbelief of another opportunity missed, the disappointment followed by irrational thoughts and denial. It is feeling that you may never catch up, that you will be left behind and never be good enough.

Blue is the pangs of longing for something more, something else, something other than this. It is the depression that no one can mend and nothing can cure, not even pats on the back or caresses or kisses. It is wanting to scream yet having no voice, it is the desperate cry for help that no one paid attention to.

Blue is the embodiment of your deepest, darkest thoughts - secrets and lies and misery.
It is momentary happiness and perpetual sadness. Blue is being human.

---

Yeah. Depressing stuff, huh. Wrote it on the night after the Funka auditions. Was feeling damn depressed and all gothic-like. But of course feelings change, people change, and I do feel other colours in my life other than blue now. Like for example, yellow for wanting to pee.

But anyway, a conversation with my mum brought up a rather painful fact.

Mum: So when's your next performance?
Me: ... I don't know if there'll be other performances from now on.

Oh, I didn't mean there won't be anymore Emix performances, because I'm sure there WILL be. I meant that I don't know if I'll ever get to perform anymore in prestigious events. My performance shelf-life is 2 more years. Face it, once I graduate from SMU, there won't be anymore chance to perform. And now, as it stands, I feel like my performing days have ended. Everything else pales in comparison to Funka, and I didn't even make it, damnit!

And I dreamt last night that I was kicked out of this ballet production in front of everybody else, and the choreographer said the reason was because I sucked. I woke up with tears in my eyes.

Dudes, maybe I should get back to studying, an infinitely more cheerful activity compared to this.