Monday, October 10, 2005

lesson #180: this is the most important lesson in life.

To quote Rachel McAdams in Red Eye, "never again".

No, I'm not okay. I do not feel great.

I've really been through all of the stages.

1. Complete and utter heartbreak - at the very moment that it happened.

2. Denial - later on when I tried to make it all okay, when I tried to forget it ever happened. When I accepted him back even as he acted as though nothing was wrong. When I defended him in front of my friends. Classic syndrome suffered by a wife who's just been cheated on by the husband but still tries to save the marriage. I always thought that was dumb. And pathetic. But now I understand... You just want to fix things back to the way they were supposed to be. Typical thoughts during this stage, "But I am supposed to be happy! You are supposed to make me happy, this is NOT happening..."

3. Superficial happiness - comes right after denial. You feel happy, you take pictures... Until you realise that you're faking every single smile in the photos. No, I don't think I was happy at all. When people asked me if I was okay, I'd say yes because that's the simpler answer. And there will be moments when I'll feel pangs of affection for him, but then the feeling got weird, like it's rather twisted or distorted by some other thing. And then I realised the affection was mixed with disgust, and no matter how hard I tried to feel all happy and romantic and okay, I couldn't.

4. Disgust - the feeling has been there all along but only really surfaces after overcoming denial. I don't know how I could ever see his face again, especially since he never did think anything was wrong with his actions. Until I finally made him see the light after asking him what he'd think if my situation had happened to his close female friend. He doesn't really listen to my other words at all, it takes him imagining his close female friend to make him understand.

5. Loathing - I can imagine myself telling him how much I hate him. I hate him with all my being. If he were to lose an arm or a leg in front of me, I'd probably just stand and watch.

6. Anger - He has no right. He has no right to take everything away from me. He already made me feel like shit for days now. I feel like an empty shell nowadays with no life nor the energy to do any of my work. I couldn't give anything much thought. And he did this to me. It could all have been perfect and I could've had my happy ending, but I didn't because of him.

Give me back my happiness you son of a gun.