Saturday, January 01, 2005

lesson #166: super duper sad on new year's day

Some of the firsts I have done on the first day of 2005:
1. Woke up for the first time
2. Washed my hair for the first time
3. Came home for the first time
4. Ran on the treadmill for the first time
5. Ate dinner for the first time
6. Wrote on the blog for the first time
7. Felt sadness and anxiety for the first time


What a way to start the year, eh? Not sure how the sadness crept in. I was happily watching Kill Bill Vol. 2 (ok, maybe not that happily watching Kill Bill Vol. 2... The eyeball scene was pretty squirmy) and then the movie ended. And then I kept the DVD. And then... And then it happened.


I can't really come into terms with the fact that I'll have to start going to school again in just two days. I feel this apprehension within me that's stopping me from being excited about starting a brand-new term.


I'll be honest with you. I haven't got much real friends in SMU. Oh, I know people who know people who know me. People I make small talk with. But I haven't got a real buddy-buddy kind of friendship with anyone in any of my classes. It's weird. Sometimes I feel I totally belong in SMU yet at other times, I feel totally alone. Right now, that alone feeling is what is engulfing me.


And another thing that's worrying me. It's that P word again. Oh yes. the p-p-p-puh word. Oh man... Period. Can't live with ya, can have a baby without ya. Tonight I'm more worried about its absence rather than its uncomfortable presence. Ugh, I so hate it when it plays the stupid peek-a-boo game with me. The more I try not to think about it, the more I DO think about it. I am a very sad person right now. If you poke me, I might just burst into a giant furry ball of sadness. Or not.