Thursday, December 30, 2004

lesson #136: cih.

Parents flew in... Daddy brought back some DVDs and a stack of Detektif Conan comic books! Wheeeeee! Was so happy when I saw them. But the happiness didn't stay long.


For at the same time, G began messaging me on MSN. Usually, this will be a reasonably normal routine. But tonight was different. We had a tense situation which started from late last night. Thought he was messaging me to make amends, but the conversation took several turns for the bad, and then the worse, and then the worst yet. My high mood, the result of receiving goodies from my dad, plummeted just like that. The emotional rollercoaster was probably the start of my PMS... *groans* not THAT time of the month again! But anyway, I digress.


So we had an online quarrel. A very very bad online quarrel. Because I was sittin' as comfy as ever on my bed and then I started crying. He said a lot of very hurtful things which I didn't think possible to come out of his mouth. Or appear on an MSN chat screen. I don't remember how long the quarrel lasted. To me it seemed endless. Found comfort in easy talk with Timmo - we joked about sardines in a can. But still, it failed to lift my mood. I was disillusioned. I didn't think G could be so mean.


In the end, we made up and started being jokey-jokey with each other again. Although I do feel relief, right now it's still too raw to be called a closed chapter. The chapter is in fact still gaping open. For one, the quarrel made me realise that I had been a fool.


I honestly thought that this relationship has a potential to last, because it seems somehow different. I'm not really sure how to explain it, myself. I guess I saw something. But the night's events have proven to me that what I saw may not be necessarily good. The past couple of weeks I have been slowly immersing myself in him. I actually thought that I could expose myself and be vulnerable, just this once. What a fool! Now that I've tasted the extent of hurt he's capable of dishing out, how much more painful will it be when my heart breaks?


Now I think retreating slightly is the best course of action. I'll step back with one foot out the door. Just to be safe.


N once said that I'm this strong, independent woman. But I'm not really, I'm still a small kid who's afraid of getting hurt. Didn't realise it when I was still with him, but N never did make me feel hurt.


There is no doubt that I still have feelings for G, but the turn of events have made me wary of him somewhat. I hated him with all my being and soul for a few minutes. I really thought he was a big, bad meanie, who didn't stop even when I told him it hurt. It's funny, how you can like someone really bad and yet dislike him at the same time. But that's what I'm feeling now. I guess it's true what they say. Love and hate are just two sides of the same coin.