Monday, December 20, 2004

lesson #111: there's gotta be more than this.

Currently, I have a total of 4 SMSes in my phone inbox. This is because in the morning, I accidentally deleted my whole inbox. A hundred plus messages, kept since the end of last year, now erased forever. Funny messages from friends, romantic ones from boyfriends, forwarded ones from bored people. My inbox was the chronicle of my life, but no more. At first I felt shock. I tried to stop the deleting process by futilely pressing all the buttons like a mad woman but that did nothing. I was pretty numbed by the loss. Minutes later, I felt refreshed. I thought that maybe this is God's way of giving me a new start, as the messages I kept are mostly loaded with meaning and therefore baggage. But now I just feel empty.


In fact, I've felt empty throughout this holiday. I can't believe it's already coming to an end. What have I accomplished? What have I done? I've done nothing, except to grow fat. I feel stuck in a rut. I haven't really done anything fun except for certain instances. I've felt that everything I did had a time limit. I'm supposed to be relaxing but I'm not. Seems like, everyday there are tons of inane stuff to plan, and yet at the end of the day, I'll still feel bored and unfulfilled.


Let's talk about Christmas Eve and Christmas day itself. How the hell am I gonna celebrate it? I have no idea. It feels to me that such a momentous occasion should be celebrated in a big way. Going out and walking around isn't enough. Furthermore, you have to choose your company well. You can't just go out with an old friend even though both of you haven't got anything planned for the day. It's bloody Christmas after all. You should celebrate it with the special people in your life! This is the impression I have of How to Celebrate Christmas Properly. Man, I'd skip 25th Dec any day. Just the buying of presents itself is one big headache, especially when you're broke.


Even as I'm writing this, I'm not really sure of what I actually want. The only thing I know is that I'm bored, unfulfilled, and crazily frustrated sometimes. I just wanna do the things that I wanna do. I'm not sure what the things I wanna do are, but I know that they're Not This. They're just... not this. I've had enough of This.