Thursday, December 02, 2004

lesson #108: he who held my hand

Met N just now. It was a sad goodbye. He cried and accused me of not caring because I looked nonchalant. Eventually I cried too. And then, after he'd walked me home and I was safely in my room, I cried again. I cried buckets.


I'm trying to write this down as fast as I could, trying to recall as much details as I could. He said some things. "I don't understand why you always have to be so strong." "But I wanna face those problems with you." "When you want a boyfriend, call me."


My mum called when we were talking, she asked me to hurry on home. After being scolded by her, I can't help but to open up a little bit and I kind of teared. And then he held my hand, and I felt security washing over me. I felt protected. I wrote, a few hours ago, about finding my home. I found it the few minutes he held my hand.


I want to thank you, N, for giving me the chance to release all the pent-up emotions inside. After crying my eyes out I felt calm and peace and a sense that things are gonna be okay. I also want to thank you for the best hug I have ever received in my life.


When I was crying buckets, the thought came repeatedly into mind - am I making the wrong decision? I was shaken.


At the end, I let go of his hug, and then his hand. Both of us will be all right, eventually.