Thursday, December 02, 2004

lesson #104: never lay your heart out on a bed of needles

I don't really know what the point of life is. To achieve something? To be rich and famous, and yet feel sad inside? Stayed over at Jing's house yesterday and this afternoon, on the bus ride home, I started to get more and more depressed. I felt this longing to be at home. You know the kind of feeling when you're elsewhere and all you wanna do is just go home and... do the things you do at home? Just relax and nest and be happy. But then I stepped inside my house and I realised that my home isn't a happy place to be in.


How can it be, with all the constant nagging? How can it be a place of escape, when all I wanna do is just to escape from it. I feel constrained, in a leash, bound by some invisible force that is just holding me back. I feel suffocated. You wanna know how it feels like? It feels like you scream real hard, but no sound came out.


I miss my old self. I was happy-go-lucky at the start of SMU just a short five months ago. I was at the very top of the world then, gazing down and basking in the wonders that life holds for me. I felt wanted, cherished, loved. Secure, safe, confident. Content with what I have, not needing anything else. Most importantly, I felt happy. I didn't realise it then. I've only learned what happiness is when I'm not feeling it, which is right now. Of course, there were moments when all I did was grumble and complain. But those were minor, petty annoyances. Right now, there is a big gaping hole waiting to suck me in. I'm afraid it had already sucked my heart, because it is just aching right now.


I wanna go home, wherever home is now. Sometimes home is at The Sterling. Sometimes it's in the possession of my friends. Sometimes I find it walking along Orchard Road alone, but other times I've had to hold someone's hand. Sometimes it will be at N's (but no more).


Wish I could've told someone that I'm depressed, but I'm not sure what I'd say. And what would the other person say? That it's gonna be okay? Or will he/she dish out an advice, which I'll disregard in the end because it's just all wrong? Sometimes the best support is a silent one. Just shut up and be there. I hope I can find someone who'll shut up and be there with me.