Thursday, October 28, 2004

lesson #60: a kiss is a kiss is a kiss

My brain doesn't seem to be working. I just can't formulate cohesive sentences. The ideas are all THERE. I scribbled them all down, all over my Yahoo! notebook. And yet, when it comes to structuring them so that they make sense, I just... failed.


I know, deep inside my heart, that I'm perfectly capable of doing a mediocre job of my writing assignment. I can write that damn memo. But I hold myself back from doing it, because I don't want to do just a mediocre job. I need to do an A+ job! The pressure of the scholarship is getting to me. This assignment, together with group presentation, are honestly my last two chances of pulling my grade up to at least an A- and keeping the scholarship.


I hate this pressure! It's the first time I feel really, really dumb and bimbotic. I wish Tim would stop goading me about being a scholar, an A+ student. Every time he says that, I feel another weight falling on me. He seems to expect me to always come up with A+ answers. Stop it! I know he's only joking. But everytime I did come up with an answer, which turns out to fall short of being A+, I feel like I see the disappointment in everyone's eyes.


Panicking. Did 150 situps in a go to calm down, it didn't work. Ate a little chocolate, but still frantic. No one I can turn to. I am reeling without support. I turn to dance. Since prancing around the house at 1 am in the morning is rather mentally unstable, I close my eyes and dance inside my mind. Imagining a purple hippo in a tutu. A purple hippo in the midst of a pirouette. A purple hippo doing a grand jette. A purple hippo in a pas de deux...


Two purple hippos in Giselle, perfectly in love, tragically separated by death.


Now back to the studio for more fun and merriment with writing assignment.