Tuesday, October 05, 2004

lesson #18: let's talk about lurrrrve

When it comes to love, I think I really suck. I was reading through what I wrote in this blog about S. I'm not sure if more than a handful people are aware of how full of chemistry the 'relationship' were at the start. I say 'relationship' because it was never really official. The relationship had never really started. I strung him along. When he wanted to kiss me, I leaned to the side so he will only catch my cheek. When he wanted to ask if we were actually a couple, I told him to wait. And wait. And wait. And then, I suppose he got tired of waiting. He also sensed that I was confused. I feel like hitting myself over the head. What's there to be confused about? What the hell was I doing, wasting a great opportunity with a great guy? Why did I let the chemistry die, why didn't I give him a chance?


I played the same stupid game with N. I wavered and sat on the fence for so long that sometimes I frustrated myself. But N pursued and pursued and pursued. The funny thing is, when he finally asked, "Will you be my girlfriend?" I still had to pause for a significantly long moment before I said yes. For the first two weeks after that, I still asked him to keep it a secret. I didn't want anyone to know that I got together with him. Partly it was because my friends disapprove of him. But partly it was because, deep down inside, I'm still waiting for another guy.


I wanted to find a love so perfect, the relationship will last and last and last. I wanted someone I could fall for head over heels. Someone I'm so crazy about, and someone who's so crazy about me, we literally can't live without each other. Someone I could talk to for hours, and then kiss for hours after that. In short, I'm waiting for my knight in shining armor.


But now I realize that the kind of love I'm waiting for is not something that can be obtained so easily. If I'm never satisfied with what I have with N, I'm not being fair to him and I'm just going to end up hurting everyone. What I lack is that naivete about love. Although I can't do anything about that, I can at least try to be a better girlfriend. I need to let myself drown a little bit more in what I have now, and not just keep floating, waiting for the rescue boat that never comes.


And if that rescue boat actually comes, I need to be willing to let it pass by without noticing me.


Anyway, gonna go Mambo with the dance girls tomorrow. Maggie is coming too, and I can't wait to dance with her again! It has been too long. The only downside to going tomorrow instead of Friday (the original plan) is that A won't be able to make it. I kinda miss him. Partying with him is always fun because he's so funny. Not to mention he has cute friends!