I've been such a dirr-ty little girl, won't you clean me up?

bye, this blog is dead

2008-02-24T17:12:00.002+08:00

Hola friends,

email me @ monicat.2004@smu.edu.sg for the new blog addy & pw... Ed & Feloy sorry lupa melulu mau e-mail loe addressnya! I'm such a forgetful fart.

i miss my old blog!

2008-01-16T19:56:00.000+08:00

x says:
i kinda cant let go of my previous blog though.....

x says:
baaaaaaaaaa

y says:
i know wad u mean

y says:
i kinda like ur previous one too

y says:
but why are u changing ah?

x says:
i dunno

x says:
cos that time i didnt like the baggage of old posts

x says:
some of them r like immature mah

y says:
oh

y says:
like?

x says:
like the super super old posts

x says:
hahah

x says:
n too troublesome to delete them out of existence

y says:
haha

x says:
i feel they dont represent me anymore

y says:
wad did u write abt?

x says:
hmm ha he?

x says:
i cant rmbrrrrrr

x says:
just damn bimbo la

y says:
hahaha

y says:
and ur not bimbotic anymore?

x says:
how ah

y says:
u shd

y says:
hmmm

y says:
can transfer ur posts one?

x says:
i dont want to leh

x says:
ideally i keep the old blog n the old entries just disappear

x says:
haha

x says:
oh well

y says:
hahah

y says:
or u can slowly delete those old entries

x says:
maybe i'll just keep writing on the old one?

x says:
slowly delete...

x says:
i'll die

x says:
there r like 500 over entries

y says:
hahaha

y says:
slowly?

y says:
like really slowly

y says:
haha

x says:
haha like an unpaid clerical job

hark! the herald angels sing

2007-12-25T15:27:00.000+08:00

Mellow Christmas this year... Spent Eve dining with 'rents and their visiting friends eating overpriced hawker food. When you're drinking teh peng renamed as teh ice and priced at $5.50 you know you're clearly in a restaurant catered for tourists.

Mum irritated me when she counted the number of job rejections I've received thus far versus the ongoing applications. I'm pretty happy with what I've got, but obviously the greedy part of me wants to be able to proceed into the next stage of the London job interview. My ex-boss said that I 'can try, but need a lucky break'. Considering how many unlucky breaks I've had so far in terms of career, I am happily presuming that the lucky one will come soon. Just to be on the safe side though, I spent half the time in church praying a personal prayer.

I am hoping the combined effort of luck and a blessing from above will do it.

And I've decided to give myself a Christmas present that doesn't inflict pain on my purse this year: a new blog!

Have 'moved' (sans the baggage of old posts) to wordpress.com.

You can find my blog in the here and now!

grades schmades

2007-12-20T09:18:00.000+08:00

So the final grades were released recently. When I first started this term, I kind of knew I was screwed. I wasn't paying that much attention to the subjects. Couldn't really follow the classes (either that or I refused to follow, browsing Facebook or online shops instead).

I knew and predicted at least 2 of the subjects this term would bring down my cumulative GPA.

As the 'View my grades' page on OASIS was loading I half-covered my face and prepared to wince... Those 2 subjects pulled up my GPA.

In fact, my overall performance is such that my cumulative GPA has increased! Wheee...

Lessons learned:
1. The best projects are the ones with the least meetings
2. Reading a lot of shit before exams pays off
3. I am not as dumb as I thought I was

this year, a merry christmas

2007-12-12T17:58:00.000+08:00

As I sit,
what might have been
what has been
what was
what has become
spatter like flecks of blood against my window.

The sky has torn into two. It has
cracked, broken like a heart
someone out there is crying, the howls turning into
vortex, whirlwinds
blowing the tears my way
until my cheeks are wet and salty.

The aches of the world, I felt
confused with my broken soul
tossed aside, punctured like a wound
from the stare you didn't give.

It's new, this
paralysing pain.
It curdles my blood,
freezes my skin,
explodes in my head.

As I sit
I wish a sad, little, wistful, hopeful,
useless, pointless
christmas wish:
let me in.

i am failing my engrish test

2007-12-11T11:11:00.000+08:00

I can't believe I typed 'invited' instead of 'invented' for the title of the previous blog entry. I must be dumber than I thought!

okay, hands up, who invited inclined sit-ups?

2007-12-09T18:02:00.000+08:00

Because if they are not the most excruciating human torture device ever, I don't know what is.

So the story goes that on this rainy Sunday afternoon a lazy-ass princess who was really bored decided that it may be productive to check out her gym. After all, the maintenance fee is paid every month, gouging a major portion of dad's Rupiah income. She didn't know it was actually hell discreetly packaged with bright lights, air freshener and a newly-installed HDTV.

She decided to try the dinky little machine shunned by humanity (all 4 of them) right in the middle of the room. As she got on to it, 25% of humanity looked at her with a mixture of disgust and pity. Disgust, because the lazy princess's shorts have ridden up to reveal way too much flesh. Pity, because... aww fuck it it's hard to do 3rd person narrative.

How on earth are you supposed to do like 100 over sit-ups at such a weird angle anyway? I'm sure it must be bad for your back. I did 35. Ish. By 20 I was breathless. By 27, my face was puce. By 32, I thought I would die. By 35, I died only to be resurrected by thoughts of caramel frap from Starbucks.

Meh. On the bright side, I didn't spend any money today. Thank the Lord for rainy weather.

On the days that it didn't rain, I have spent approximately......... a lot of money per day. On second thought purchasing a $40 Moleskin weekly planner may not have been the wisest decision. But it's so gorgeous, who could resist? And buying a gift from Tiffany's to welcome back one's boyfriend is just the proper thing to do. After all the long nights spent pouring over exam materials he needs to be greeted by something shiny.

Anyhoos... Saw the SATC movie trailer. My reaction was 'what the...?' because SJP just looks loopy in it. Like in her perfume ad. And I thought there were supposed to be 4 main stars? How come all the clips are of Carrie? The other 3 looked like flankers. That's so sad. I love Samantha's no-nonsense attitude to life. She's just as shopaholicky as Carrie but less whiny. But this is definitely a must-watch still for an all-girls outing. I miss girlie moments like those featured on the show. I want to grab a coffee and chill. Bitch. Gossip. Lament over clothes and shoes and boys.

Ahhh... nothing's better than a heart-to-heart with the girls.

www.goldencompassmovie.com

2007-12-02T21:32:00.000+08:00

mon says:
my daemon is a cat called lutheus!
mon says:
haha
mon says:
ok basically
mon says:
in the movie ur soul does not live inside u
mon says:
its outside u
mon says:
n it has a physical form
mon says:
in the form of an animal
mon says:
n this animal is called a daemon
{yingzhou} 12 says:
animal?
{yingzhou} 12 says:
i go find my daemon den
mon says:
yaaaa
mon says:
go go go
mon says:
its under the tab 'daemons'
mon says:
hee
{yingzhou} 12 says:
okies
mon says:
:P
{yingzhou} 12 says:
ok
{yingzhou} 12 says:
done
mon says:
what r u>>
{yingzhou} 12 says:
artemis
{yingzhou} 12 says:
a monkey
{yingzhou} 12 says:
heee
mon says:
WHAHAHAHA
{yingzhou} 12 says:
no no
{yingzhou} 12 says:
its a chimp
mon says:
its a chimp?
mon says:
haha
mon says:
what r ur characteristics
{yingzhou} 12 says:
but isnt artemis a greek goddess
mon says:
how come can get a monkey
{yingzhou} 12 says:
idunno
{yingzhou} 12 says:
im spontaneous proud leader and modest
mon says:
artemis is the moon goddess i think?
mon says:
or the goddes of war
mon says:
i cannot rmbr
{yingzhou} 12 says:
how can someone be proud and modest
mon says:
haha i am proud and humble lor
{yingzhou} 12 says:
i think artemis is the god of nature
mon says:
ur a leader?
mon says:
since when do monkeys lead?
{yingzhou} 12 says:
i dunno
{yingzhou} 12 says:
a leader within monkeys lor

itchy itchy feet

2007-11-21T14:02:00.000+08:00

I'm hit by it again.

Wanderlust.

Out of nowhere I just felt like taking off, going somewhere, leaving everything behind.

Okay, I'm Indonesian but I've never even been to Borobudur. Tangkuban Perahu. BALI! That's just wrong.

I've never been to Korea (South, not really fancying North much). Never been to Japan! Never been to the further bits of Malaysia. Myanmar (although probably not now). Vietnam.

Australia, apart from Sydney and Melbourne. I want to see the Gold Coast! I want to see kangaroos.

Russia, Eastern Europe. Beautiful and icy. People with grey beards and big noses, that's what I always thought of Russians. Heh.

Africa and the heat, though going there will probably depress me if I see the wrong things.

Shanghai? I want to see this metropolitan city for myself, what China's grown to be.

Ireland, Scotland and fried Mars bars.

Morocco and Leila... can't believe I actually skipped on witnessing a wedding. And for what, really? What is more important than culture, than a once-in-a-lifetime experience?

New York. I've never been.

The England countryside with bed & breakfasts.

Greece.

I need to find a job that'll take me to these places! Other than being an air stewardess. I've never been good at balancing.

peace

2007-11-19T13:59:00.000+08:00

Quick update of my life before I proceed to either
a) read Strategy
b) nap
c) attempt to read Strategy and inadvertently nap

My mind is officially at peace.

My parents are starting to trust me more. They understand what I have to do, what I haven't the time to do, what I am capable of.

My brother has made the right choice. Between Hwa Chong & RI he's picked RI. I can't wait to see him enter RJ, can't wait to fund his overseas studies in Wharton. Stanford. Oxford. He's going to be successful.

My friends. I know at the end of the day, when I really need their help, they will be there.

My enemies. Personally, I have none. I don't hate anyone. My pissed-off-ness ebbs away within hours at most. But of course I can't expect people to react the same way. I'm sure there are people who dislike me, for whatever reason. I used to be bugged with what people think, used to not understand why they don't understand, but not anymore.

My love life. I'll have to say I'm blessed. I used to wonder why, in all other areas, I'm always lacking in luck. Well, it's because all the luck has gravitated towards this part of my life. Some people will think it's useless, that love won't buy you a car and a condo. I agree that love can't buy a lot of things, but it also makes you... well, not care as much about these things you can't afford.

My career. Or lack thereof? I'm in no better position than last time. I've been made to feel small in comparison to others. Patronized for my lack of experience, my superficial knowledge, my naivete, my lack of branded bank interviews. But in a recent stress interview, I woke up. The interviewer said of the company, "People here are hell smart. Hell smart." I am hell smart. Everything is going to turn out fine.

heroes swoon

2007-11-06T23:18:00.000+08:00

A short clip from Heroes Season 2. LOVE the part where he says, "Claire... shut up."

sen-sahahational

2007-11-04T10:34:00.000+08:00

Okay, so I was moping around the house yesterday morning, postponing doing Equities homework for as long as I can help it. When I got out of a long warm shower, my maid told me that there's a huge package waiting for me.

Eh?

And there it was, waiting in my room. A huge box , as huge as the carrier bag I use to put all my extra clothes in because the wardrobe won't fit. It was pretty light for its size. I searched for a sender's name and it was him. Him, him, him. Airmailing a letter, Walker's Sensation chips, a bikini, Jaffa cakes and Mcvite's digestives.

The letter made me laugh. Well, he always makes me laugh. As I read sentence by sentence, I'm imagining him writing it. I love his handwriting. I traced the paper, because if I touch his handwriting, I could almost feel him... Almost. Suddenly a month and a half is that long.

Anyways, I'm all geared up for the exams. I can't wait for exams. Except there's still Equities project to take care of... Yawns. I have a feeling it's going to be a nightmare. Am meeting the team today to discuss, but I fear we lack direction and all of us don't seem too motivated to be doing the project. There's just a lot of forecasts to be done and my segment especially is a mess of vague boundaries. Valuing such a huge company as the one we've been given to do is a headache. Why couldn't we get the casino one? It's so unfair!

Anyways. Whatever. Once we do a smashing job I can start taking care of studies. Finally succumbed and bought the Master Tax Guide this past Friday. I've just opened it (I love new books!) and I vow to read it page-by-page everyday.

Also am getting a bit tired of blogging... The words come much slower to me than they did last time. Maybe it's time to say -

Einstein's riddle

2007-10-28T16:41:00.000+08:00

(As found on ABN AMRO's graduates website)

There are 5 houses in 5 different colours. In each house lives a person with a different nationality. The 5 owners drink a certain type of beverage, eat a certain food for breakfast, and keep a certain pet. No owners have the same pet, eat the same breakfast cereal, or drink the same beverage. The Briton lives in the red house. The Chinese man keeps dogs as pets. The American drinks tea. The green house is on the left of the white house. The green homeowner drinks coffee. The person who eats croissants rears birds. The owner of the yellow house eats bread rolls. The man living in the centre house drinks milk. The Norwegian lives in the first house. The man who eats muesli lives next to the one who keeps cats. The man who keeps the horse lives next to the man who eats bread rolls. The owner who eats porridge drinks beer. The German eats toast. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house. The man who eats muesli has a neighbour who drinks water.

The question is: Who owns the fish?

---

This is the only riddle I could solve out of 4 attempted ones!

20/20 hindsight

2007-10-28T13:30:00.000+08:00

Oh my goodness... of course! I should've done that. But then... I really don't know what I was thinking!

There was a chance and I threw it away. Ogay, so I was stupid. I really wonder if there's still some chance to rectify this? My time is limited.

Whatever happens, got to think long-term! There's more than one road to get there...

I wish I'd started playing chess earlier, it really helps to see into the future.

karma

2007-10-24T19:38:00.000+08:00

except, I think it's getting a bit too ridiculous.

Very disappointed, but I guess life moves on.

epiphany

2007-10-19T11:34:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling rather emo... yet I can't confide in anyone because they'll just brush it off as silliness. And that I have no right to be emo.

I'm scared... How can he be so sure?

Sometimes I wonder why, how.

I need you :(

looking up to smile

2007-10-15T23:22:00.000+08:00

I'm really happy with my friends, family, my baby.

You know, I've always shunned LDR. But with him, I feel like we can work it. I see him online everyday, I miss him, I laugh with him. We tease, we kid, we talk earnestly about love and life. Everyday I look forward to checking my computer to see if he's messaged. Everyday, it feels like I haven't talked to him for a hundred years. We've finally fallen into a pace after three weeks of adjustment. He no longer doubts, I no longer keep it inside.

It feels like his heart is here, with me, all the time. :)

happy birthday to me

2007-10-08T19:19:00.000+08:00

This year has brought an unexpectedly phenomenal birthday. Unexpected because I honestly planned a lazy simple day of a family dinner with nothing else happening. But as it turned out...

Saturday, 6 October 2007

Woke up and got ready for a Brewerkz lunch with most of the fight club. Jess, Syd, Mel, Vik (the other October baby), Weida and Josh who came later. Ordered some food, some booze (the boys), and photowhored! I didn't know they bought us cake so was happily chomping away on food. When the cake came out I wondered how I'd actually eat it after gorging on pizza, nachos and sausages!

Spicy seafood pizza and a collection of mini sausages!

Jumbo nachos, delish and really worth the price.

Weida the cake bearer with his fish & chips. We dipped the chips in the beer-battered sauce, oh-so-yummy.

Jess in her girl-next-door disguise

Syd in her Hawaiian girl disguise

The compulsory do-re-mi pose

Happy birthday to us!

WD took it upon himself to cut the cake as neither Vik nor I can cut a straight piece

After the festivities, I went home to eat a homely dinner and prepare for a drinking fest at Mel's place. Glug glug!

Sunday, 7 October 2007

This was it. The big day when I turn TWENTY-TWO. I am officially an old mama. YZ told me the night before to wake up bright and early so I followed instructions.

Mr YZ then trickily called me to tell me to bathe and get ready to go out.

"Go out where?" says I.
"Just do it," says Mr YZ.

At 1030 am I received an SMS from Kwan who told me to come downstairs. He was to send me to Paragon for an 80 minute spa experience! What - the - hey? I was stunned to say the least! Apparently it's all pre-arranged by YZ. At the spa itself, Josh popped by! His job was to pay for the treatment. So I happily trotted off to be massaged and scrubbed with strawberry.

After I'm done, check this out, Mr Isaac Kwan has been asked to wait for me so that he can send me to my family lunch at Waraku at Starhub Center! Wow. Him and YZ must be extremely good friends for him to do such a huge favor.

So then it was on to Waraku...

My order, the tan tan udon.

My parents were asking about the surprise put up for me and who was it done by? How was the spa? Mr YZ just got himself a gold star from daddy.

2 pm-ish, headed home. Did some productive job applications while I waited for YZ to come online as we originally arranged. And he popped his second surprise of giving me a cash account at Bluesquare Poker! We played a few heads-up and at the end of the day, the score was about even. I may not have a Full Tilt cap but I can still hold my game!

YZ asked me about dinner and I said I was probably just gonna eat a simple meal at home. He told me he will stay online with me until my dinner at 7.30 pm. So I told him it's fine, my dinner is flexible since it'll probably be some microwaved leftover food. But he said no, it HAS to be 7.30 pm. Puzzled?

But then Kwan messaged me to say that he will pick me up at 8 for my dinner.

Whuttttttttt!

YZ has planned this surprise as well! So at 8 pm I trotted off to a Thai restaurant near Coronation Plaza, to eat dinner with Kwan. YZ said Kwan was replacing him, who couldn't be there in person to dine with me.

Around the time when we finished eating, YZ rang to ask how things were. After a bit of chatting, he asked me to pass the phone to Kwan as he wanted to thank him. But as Mr Isaac was just saying "Okay, okay, okay", how can YZ be just thanking him? Hmmm. The mystery continued.

Well, never mind, after 2 smokes in a row Kwan drove me home... Or not! Wait a minute! He said YZ told him to bring me to KAP for a strawberry milkshake. I kept having cravings for that milkshake during the time I was hangin' out with YZ in Singapore, so that was sweet! But then Kwan didn't follow the right way home. Huh? He said he wanted to get some DVDs from Jelita. So I just went along for the ride, except that there was a Video Ezy at KAP and it was past the opening time of the store so I didn't know what he was thinking.

After going through the roundabout trip, we finally reached my place safely. Got out of the car but Kwan said to wait 30 seconds before going up. So we stood there for a while before he realised something was not quite right with the plan, so he walked off to... find someone? I saw him gesturing and mouthing some words, but acted innocent. La dee da.

He ushered me up and we waited for... something in front of my unit. Kwan said, "30 seconds". Ooookay. Then the lift doors opened and out came Aaron & Clara bearing flowers, a gift pack and a Lee Hwa carrier. At the same time YZ called me and I knew that he orchestrated everything to happen just so. As I talked to YZ, Aaron and Isaac discovered a little friend inside the bouquet and tried to hide the caterpillar away from me (it dropped to the floor). That was quite funny!

Then I opened the jewellery box to see a white gold necklace with a diamond pendant... And I just felt so overwhelmed. This birthday has been absolutely perfect, and YZ was behind it all the way. He even stayed up til 430 am the previous day to make sure everything is running smoothly. Making loads of international calls. Paying for everything. I felt touched. Happy yet sad, because everything that he's doing just makes his absence more glaring.

Flowers (sans little friend)

My very first diamond

And I'm so thankful... Thankful for everything you've done. You really wanted to make everything perfect on my birthday. And you really showed that you were with me all the way even though you're half a world away. Even now I can't help tearing. We're fighting against distance and time. 4 years... starting now.

I think we'll be all right.

At the same time, I'm so grateful for all the wonderful friends that I've come to know. Thanks for celebrating with me, thanks for the well wishes, thank you for the cupcakes, the bracelet! I truly feel overwhelmed with love. It's just ironic how I wanted this year to be a lay-low birthday and it turned out so wonderfully NOT boring. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love you guys.

G, thank you for calling from HK, I really thought you forgot! I wish you all the happiness that life will bring and I'm sure your girlfriend and you will have fantastic careers ahead.

Baby, where can I start? Once I start, I won't know how to end. The past few months with you have been simply wonderful, thank you so much for all the happiness you've brought me. I'd have been happy if we'd simply talked online on my birthday, but who on earth will say no to industrial steel? ;) I look forward to more heads-up and talk-cock sessions in the future. Better play later at 10 pm!

heroes season 2 has started!

2007-10-03T18:45:00.000+08:00

Am so excited to start watching the show again. Claire's my fav character! Her character development is going to be rather intriguing this season... That Dr Suresh and the policeman can just go to he-eyheyhey, they're so boring. Yawnnnnn. I wonder where Niki went? They can't have cut her off the show can they? Every show needs a superstrong woman!

OK never mind, most people won't even know what I'm nattering about. Feeling so relieved that I've completed the UBS online assessment. Like, fuh-huh-huh-nally. There'd been some technical issue that dragged on for a few weeks, making me all antsy. During the prolonged online application process, I have received 2 erroneous rejection e-mails from them. I don't think I can take another one. Will just die of heart attack. So they better take me in :P

(I promise I will make myself useful in whatever way in the office. Make coffee, shred paper, stand by the entrance to relief the guard on duty, etc etc.)

This week's been an eezy-breezy week. No project, no quizzes, no assignments, no "chop-chop" meetings which last for half a day! Ahhhhh. Just yesterday I had break in between morning and 330 classes (horrifying timetable) so I made a french pedi appointment and shopped a bit after that.

Well... Actually... Maybe I should chastise myself for having spent so much. $100 in 2 hours, on impulse, just to while away break time? That's kind of expensive. A rate of $50/hr. Even when I start work I won't be earning that kind of money! (Unless I hit a UK position) (Which won't happen because I didn't apply for any)

And I swear I'll never ever ever ever play poker with XT again. Whenever I go heads-up with him he'll always get his cards, and I'll always get my cards, but then his cards will be stronger than mine.

On that random note I shall close this entry off. La la la la la... Gonna wait for an important phone call.

scary, subconscious food habits!

2007-09-30T21:52:00.000+08:00

Do you know that...

- we'll eat more M&Ms when they come in 7 different colours than if there's only 1 colour?
- flowers on the table make us eat more?
- we will pour more into a short fat glass than a tall thin one?
- using big spoons and plates will make us serve more portions to ourselves?
- we ingest more calories eating Subway than Macs, because we think Subway is so healthy that we think it's okay to eat snacks after?

OK. The next time I order a Subway meal I am NOT going to buy extra white choc macadamia cookies.

(findings from Cornell's food lab)

and the days feels like years when i'm alone

2007-09-29T21:39:00.000+08:00

The old man clip is really sad.

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay

I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok

I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were

And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it ok

I miss you.

over my head

2007-09-19T09:52:00.000+08:00

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth

But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

---

B-A-N-G-K-O-K
was great. Great food great company great shopping!

(I'm writing this in class btw. Morning class. Midweek. Zzz.)

It's been all massage massage shop eat shop massage eat spot tranny shop sleep this past weekend. Had a much-needed 4D3N getaway in the middle of school. Of course I shopped a hell of a lot, but I think the total I spent on shopping didn't even come up to $150. It is that cheap!

Ate pad thai twice in a day... Doubt I will be eating it anytime soon with paying 40 Baht for a plate still fresh on my memory.

Revolving restaurant tonight. Wheeeeeee.

---

Feelin' a bit sad tho. Wonder why.

jobsjobsjobs

2007-09-10T23:46:00.000+08:00

B-a-h. Filling up online application forms is really, really tiring. So far I've only completed two, inclusive of the online assessments. Have many, many, many more to go. Sometimes I even can't keep track of the positions that I am applying for. They have so many different names for the same thing! Have resorted to drawing a table with the list of companies on one side and the job title on the other side, so that I won't commit the fatal faux pas of stating a competitor's job title!

As for all the mini essays I have to write, I should probably have drafted a generic response to the question of "why our company?" but no, no, no. I am stupid enough to want to personalize each response, which means teeth-grinding frustration with myself whenever writer's block pops around.

OK. Too many things to do. Should - not - blog.

LONDON
drips white on blood red
with two different scents
passion,
hope,
for the future

the bloody chamber and other stories

2007-09-05T00:47:00.000+08:00

The Bloody Chamber

Held rapt by the tale 'The Bloody Chamber' written by Angela Carter. Her power with words is amazing. So powerful they're almost vulgar. Before long I found myself flipping page after page until I'm almost at the end of the story - page 42. Carter invoked mixed emotions in me - curiosity, shock, guilt. Guilt, because it felt almost wrong to read the words she's written. It felt as if you're delving into someone's mind, reading her innermost thoughts. Thoughts so embarrassing that you embarrass yourself with knowing them. Voyeuristic... That's a good word to describe how it felt reading the story.

---

Spicy

Can't ever resist the aroma of spicy Korean instant noodles. It's like having a Hong Kong cafe noodles for a fraction of the price, at the comfort of your own home, catered to your preferred taste. Ever since I started eating the spicy noodles, I can never go back to eating the comparatively bland-flavored ones (ie. the ones with no MSG). I know, I know, I know. They are bad for me. But as Zhi would testify, nothing beats instant noodles when you've got the craving. Gotta cook the noodles just so such that they retain their springy-ness. Each slurp, mixed with the soup, is heaven.

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Work-life balance

Who says Investment Banking doesn't offer you work-life balance? It's purely a matter of perspective. The balance will be as such: work 100%, life 0%. Heh. So many mixed reviews about that career path. Some think it's THE career to snatch, some think it's punishment from the devil. Hardly anyone is neutral about it. OK, scratch that, I'm neutral. Can't decide whether I should apply for it. I don't want to worship IB along with the crowd. It feels kinda weird, I guess because I always want to be different. Unique. Yes, me and my best buddy Megalomania. Just want to rebel and try something else. Maybe I could grow a garden, sell sweet potatoes and onions?

Breed dolphins?

Go into specialized trading selling exotic poppies?

Perform the incredible feat of building a castle with turrets out of banana peels, thus gaining copious media coverage and turning into a mini celebrity?

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SMS Flirtation Etiquette

I never knew how quickly you have to respond to an SMS sent by someone whom you thought you could like. Do you reply him immediately? That will seem too eager. Do you wait? If so, how long is the appropriate waiting time? It can't be too long that he starts to think you're not interested in him. Yet it has to be long enough to make him think you're not that interested, making him all the more eager and interested.

What if you waited 15 minutes, replied, and then he took 5 hours to reply? What does that mean? That he was otherwise occupied and couldn't steal a moment to reply? That he was too nervous and couldn't compose the perfect reply? That he's simply not that into you?

After he took so long to reply, do you then reply again within 15 minutes, or do you similarly wait 5 hours to reply to seem just as aloof?

Normally if I wait I'd end up forgetting to reply, and then that could be disastrous for any potential love interests. So I either reply straight away or if I'm occupied at that moment, I'd reply the moment I remember that there's a text to reply to. But then because of the speed with which I reply I usually don't have time to compose nice flirtatious messages, and with SMS that can end up sounding curt and disinterested.

Oh how, oh how, oh how. What headache!

Selfish Jean / Travis

2007-09-01T18:23:00.000+08:00

Cheers, thanks for everything
You hung me out by my heart
You're just so selfish Jean
Yes you are

Hey you threw it all away
By holding everything in
Hey Jean don't rock the boat
When you can't swim

With a perfect understanding of the finer things in life
A quite alarming knack of knowing when to twist the knife
Oh
Selfish Jean

Here's to you who read everything
Left it out on the shelf
There's no one else to blame
Except yourself

Well a perfect combination of good etiquette and charm
You keep the chocolate biscuits wired to a car alarm
Oh
Selfish Jean

Well i'm standing on my own
And this house is not a home
It's so sad to see you go
Things are high, things are low
And it's good to know you know
If you've got nowhere to go
Well you could spend the night with me
There will be no guarantee that I'll be here
In the morning

Or any time that you call
I hear you snoring Jean through the wall

So hey, here's to everything
To peace and love in our time
Ah Jean the slate is clean
I guess we're fine

Well I don't expect a miracle
Not asking you to change
If you can't see me happy
Well just look the other way
Oh
Selfish Jean

Ah
Selfish Jean

being a year 4 smu student

2007-08-26T10:41:00.000+08:00

doesn't feel much different. I think a dance junior asked me how it felt. So I thought, did I feel any older, wiser, more jaded? Actually there's really not much difference, I still felt how I felt last semester. I suppose I started the getting-jaded process a lot faster than everyone else and now I'm pretty much unaffected.

Read what Zhi wrote about the freshies and I have to agree - school has become a fashion parade. Some look good, some look not so good, but most look like they're trying too hard. I guess we have ourselves, the seniors, to blame. Who created the SMU reputation of being the cool IT school? Who started out the chic dressing, the matching bag-books-booty hugging shorts colour combi? Us. Us, us, us. But whilst we understand that dressing up is an option, the youngsters take it as a compulsory regime. And this is how culture changes. Different interpretations slowly taking it into a new direction.

I just have one thing to say about dressing up. Don't do it so people will notice you, think you're pretty, think you're cool. Do it so you exude more confidence, feel good about yourself, feel that you are on top of the world. Don't dress for anyone else but yourself.

And that's possibly the only area I could give advice on without being a hypocrite, because I fucked up so badly in everything else.

Never loved nobody fully, always had one foot on the ground. By protecting my heart truly, I got lost. Hurt myself by hurting another. Guilt, reproach, helplessness, regret. Should never have agreed to a date, shouldn't have gone, shouldn't have felt. Because I followed my heart then retracted my steps. Then tripped, then fell, then you offered your hand but I can't take it.

Truly no peace of mind.

thks fr th mmrs

2007-08-25T14:39:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna make you bend and break
It sent you to me without wait
Say a prayer, but let the good times roll
In case God doesn't show

And I want these words to make things right,
But it's the wrongs that make the words come to life
"Who does he think he is?"
If that's the worst you got
Better put your fingers back to the keys

One night and one more time
"Thks fr th mmrs
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you only sweeter"

One night, yeah, and one more time.
Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the memories
See, he tastes like you only sweeter

Been looking forward to the future
But my eyesight is going bad
And this crystal ball
It's always cloudy
Except for when you look into the past
One night stand

One night stand off

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you only sweeter

One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the memories
See, he tastes like you only sweeter

They say I only think in the form of crunching numbers
In hotel rooms collecting page six lovers

Get me out of my mind
Get you out of those clothes
I'm a liner away from getting you into the mood

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you only sweeter

One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the memories
See, he tastes like you only sweeter

One more night
One more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you only sweeter

One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the memories
See, he tastes like you only sweeter

'i like you just the way you are'

2007-08-24T16:23:00.000+08:00

That song by Timbaland is so coooool. I like it even more the more I listen to it. Timbaland may not be able to dance or look good in music vids but he sure can produce awesome tracks!

I'm sick... Been sick since Wed night. I guess that happens when, after dance practice, one still insists to go for a poker game and ends up sleeping at 4 - 5 am when one has an 830 am class the next day. On top of which, during dance practices one has to shout the countings. Coupled by lack of water consumption. What a recipe for disaster!

But it's OK. Just drank warm honey water with pei pa kao (spelling?). Throat doesn't feel so icky and phlegmy now.

Syd's sick too... Get well soon babe! HUGS.

First week of school was blah. Was in holiday mood all the way. In each class my Full Tilt play chip stack will increase by 6000, so that's good. Heh heh. Taking Tax Planning, Equities, Advanced Audit, Strategy and Seminar with CEOs. I think Strat is my fav class so far, because I earned the most in Full Tilt there. Had Aces against somebody's Kings with shitty board. That was a-w-e-s-o-m-e.

But of course, this is not to say that I will not be giving 100% attention to my classes from now on. The first week is a teething period, after which I will diligently do my readings and not play poker like, ever.

Desperate for a holiday!

vivocity

2007-08-09T19:31:00.000+08:00

Walked around Vivo for the first time yesterday. Syd couldn't believe I was a Vivovirgin. And man was I missing a lot of action. So many huge retail shops. Zara head-to-head with F21, River Island, Topshop. Mango and La Senza. But then somehow the place feels a little too noisy. I guess the open concept means echoes of conversation get bounced around the building. I'd much prefer a quiet & serene atmosphere to shop. You can relax much more that way. Normally the only time I feel stressed is when I flip the tag over to see a 3-digit figure. But at Vivo I felt stressed the whole time, as if the crowd was telling me to hurry up and pick something.

Or maybe I'm just mad.

Felt really bad about missing my boss's birthday celebration and intern outing at St James. Wanted to see my boss in all his intoxicated glory. I'm sure it would have been really really entertaining.

4 more days of work left. Can't wait. As it is I'm already browsing tattoo designs online when I'm supposed to do work. Heh.

I'm at a point in my life where I need to start thinking about what I want. What's to be my first priority? I can't even decide whether I should defer a term off school to do an internship with Morgan Stanley. It's ironic how finally there is a high probability that I will get an awesome internship, yet the timing might cause me to reject it.

And if I were honest with myself, do I really want to go into trading, or am I just picking one high-paying career option at random? Would it really make me happy? Everyone's talking about either IB, consultancy or trading. Does the world really revolve around only these 3 jobs? Is there something else out there? Am I trying to get into a foreign bank just so I can impress people?

I don't really know what I want anymore. It's time I stop giving a shit about what people think. Maybe I'll go into audit and slough it (ah... probably not). Maybe I'll be a housewife. That has got to be the most challenging job to ever exist, especially if your rebellious eldest daughter suddenly want to get a tattoo and totally spoil what remains of her good-girl image. This beats dying her hair an unsightly brown and wearing low-cleavage cropped tops for dance. It is so stressful to think of her future! What will become of her? She will definitely be up to no good. No decent guy will want to marry her and she will end up being the kept woman of an old playboy who could've been her great-grandfather's uncle's older brother's cousin. And probably is.

Tough!

Sleep beckons.

Wrestle with wanderlust

2007-08-02T16:15:00.001+08:00

Meh. I feel really useless at work now. All my projects are pending thanks to vendors not replying… Hold on. Maybe it’s me who hasn’t replied them… … … …

Damn. Super scatter-brained.

But anyhoo it’s obvious that my boss isn’t involving me in as many things as when I first started. And it’s only natural because I’m leaving in a couple of weeks. But it makes me want to shorten my internship period! Like, by a week early or something. And then I could go on a short holiday or spend quality nua-ing time at home.

Oh please, please, pleeeease let me nua!

Watched wrestling with Gary and did a beauty shot with Jing this past weekend. The beauty shot was fun! We were talking crap all the way and I think the photog was rather frustrated yet amused. But Jing’s gone off to UK now. I so envy her. I want to travel too. To skimp on food just so I could shop more. To take shitload of pictures of random buildings mistaken as historical sites. To traipse around Versailles imagining I was a princess. To cry below Eiffel Tower because I wanted to visit it with a special someone. To buy an extra duffel bag at Barcelona because my shopping can’t fit into the luggage. To wear 4 layers of clothing and still shiver because the heating in the dorm is fucked up. To be random, anonymous, not caring about what I do because nobody knows me.

See, wanderlust again. Sigh. I’d better start saving and find means to earn more money (making poker rounds? heh) if I want to go for that Euro Christmas holiday.

Watching wrestling live was an eye-opener. I mean, most of the moves were faked, but it’s really quite hard to fake a slam especially when you let gravity do most of the work. I like Rey Mysterio! He’s apparently the smallest wrestler around but very agile. His special move is v cool. Batista has an undeniable presence too. Plus his body is so friggin’ hot.

Anyhoo. To add on to that lusty line of thoughts, was shopping around on Sunday and tried on this gorgeous Ted Baker dress in gold:

It’s GBP150 online but only S$380 at the retail store in Taka. So of course I bought it.

And that is why I am broke and cannot, cannot, CANNOT shop anymore for the next few months! Absolutely not!

Except for necessities.

Sometimes I wonder if I was just born with a tendency to get entangled in complicated situations, or whether I actually made the complications up myself. I suppose it is a combination of both. Heh. Knowing that doesn’t stop me from asking why though.

You cannot possibly be in love with me. Are you really, really sure? I haven’t really done anything special. Let’s not make any mistakes.

french pedi @ fingerwork

2007-07-28T12:39:00.000+08:00

Went for a French pedi @ Fingerwork at Boat Quay on JZ's recommendation. It's really not bad! The owner, Melissa is a really nice lady and she makes you feel comfortable right from the get-go. It's probably the only place where you'll feel relaxed enough to start chatting to the other customers about overseas trips and the likes. I feel that at Fingerwork, I pay not only to get really awesome French pedi (special discount for SMU students!) but rather you pay for the whole experience.

I first went on Wednesday night, and accidentally scraped the not-yet-dry white polish. Came back the next day and she fixed it for free, throwing in a homebaked chocolate cake! Really really sweet. And she called me 'young and sweet'. OK fine I can hear you laughing... But hey that was a nice compliment!

But then on the way back to work I experienced an acute phobia for feet. Do you know how many feet there are in an MRT??? There was this overweight fella who lumbered around and pushed everybody into the MRT with just his aura. If I get stepped on by him that's it for my French pedi! There was this aunty who was SMS-ing and wasn't looking at where she was going. Harlow??? And then the kiasu office ladies who pushed their way around with their boobs and pointy heels. And the workers carrying trolleys around - OMG! I think I was the most high-strung person in that train station.

Anyhoo will post a sample pic of the French pedi once I figured out how to airbrush bruises & bunions away (my feet are really grossly deformed after rolling all around the Victoria Theatre stage). Here's the website for Fingerwork in the meanwhile:

http://www.fingerwork4you.com/

urban pulse / zouk pictures posted on facebook

2007-07-27T00:59:00.001+08:00

Wow. I must be really sleepy because I mistook a black binder clip in office for a huge deformed spider.

Urban Pulse is over, leaving me with a bittersweet feeling. Relief – more free time from now. Longing – why was it over so fast?

My favourite moment on stage was doing Ryan’s item, during the chorus of the song Happy Birthday. The slow 4 counts when we pull our fists down from head height to below the hips. It’s a very simple movement but at those precise 4 moments I felt the overwhelming forlorn sadness described in the lyrics. It was then that I felt most alive and most connected to dance.

So despite his erratic schedule Ryan’s managed to bring the best out of us. Heh.

I can’t decide whether I’m happy or otherwise at this point in time. Everything is going swimmingly – internship, social life, BOSS. I can’t believe I conquered BOSS by getting every one of my Ideal Timetable classes. Money does make the world go round!

Yet I can’t help but to feel that I’m still haunted by demons. Envy, greed, sloth – the deadly sins. I envy those with more prestigious internships and jobs. Despite my GPA will I ever be able to earn as much as them? And that links nicely to greed. The thirst for more, always more. The highest possible starting salary with crazy bonuses. Material goods left, right and centre. But then I’m as lazy as a sloth. Heh.

Was about to go pee but then the song starting on my iTunes stopped me (have formed habit of iTune-ing during work hours). It’s Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon. Totally the soundtrack of my life!

Anyhoo, Zouk yesterday was mad. Syd & Jess already drank at St James together with Jess’s friend Audrey so they were high and screaming like banshees when I met them at Phu. So OK I was screaming too but that’s just reflex. Took loads of pics. Loads loads loads. In all of them we look like drunkards.

Then there’s Jing. Leaving in less than a week… If that’s no reason to party like there’s no tomorrow, then I don’t know what is. K babe. I’ll miss your birthday like you missed mine last year. So it’s gonna be my turn to get you something online. Haha.

Loads of drinks. Jing’s friend Yingquan brought Absolut Peach. Continued drinking vodka jugs inside. With Red Bull, lime and don’t know what else. G&T. Bellini. Long Island (did I even drink that?). Flaming. But Mon the amazing un-pukable machine didn’t puke, just got high. All the way til the morning. Am I good or what! Of course that means answering my mum with nods and headshakes because if I open my mouth she can smell the alcohol.

Fuck. This blog entry so erratic. But I suppose it’s a good first attempt at revival.

from the bimbotic to the bitchy

2007-07-13T11:40:00.000+08:00

Nnnnnggghhh.
Using every bit of mental strength I possess NOT to bitch about w*rk.
Cannot cannot. Must maintain professionalism.

a frivolous post for chloe!

2007-07-10T00:34:00.000+08:00

Men.

Men are like tampons. Disposable and you only need them when you are hormonal.

Men are like shoes. Seem great when you first try them on but after a while they become a pain to walk with.

Men are like clothes in a Mango sale. The only ones left when you finally found the time to go looking are the dodgy ones.

Men are like bad haircuts. They don't show their true colours until it's way too late to undo the damage.

Men are like bikini waxes. Painful and you don't know why you spent money on them.

love, body, soul

2007-07-03T01:01:00.000+08:00

I'm ambivalent about what I should write about. And also about whether I should even be writing at all. It's 1 AM and I have 2 long days waiting ahead. Workdanceworkdancework. All I could look forward to is 3 weeks from now when everything's done. Done done done. Major project done and Urban Pulse done. I'm so occupied I can't even find the time to sell off the 2 extra tickets I have on 3rd row. Sob.

Anyhow. That's not really the point. I'm gonna start with a more frivolous discussion first about one's body. Basically right, it's pretty difficult to 'have it all'. Either you're booby and flabby or you're toned and have peas up there. I hadn't shed all the weight I gained back in UK up til now and as such, I had thunder thighs but up there they were doin' good (tho sadly in the sorry single state that I am, I'm the only person who could respectfully admire them). But then I fell sick for two weeks. I coughed my lungs out and apparently phlegm dissolves fat because half of my tummy disappeared. Sadly flesh in other areas disappeared as well which made me wary that the VS stuff I ordered would not fit. Cue frantic attempts at drinking milk, milk and more milk before order gets here!

Love is even trickier. I've been pondering over it and I've come to the sad conclusion that maybe, just maybe, I've never really loved anyone. Be in love? Sure. I bet you my painful purple pumps that everyone has fallen in and out of love, and then in and out again, countless of times. But loving someone is a different thing.

How could you say you love someone when the person irritates you sometimes? How could 'love' dissipate with distance? How could 'love' catalyses fantastic quarrels which end up in fantastic make-up's? That's passion, that's being in love. It's not exactly love, is it?

After thorough research (you know, like, in my head), I conclude that LOVE is that thing that fades into dull, monotonous routine as you get old together. It's the routine where a crazy moment makes you attempt to make love when you're both in your sixties, but have to stop after 2 minutes because he strained his back. And in the end you spend the rest of the night taking a slow stroll outside so that he could catch his breath.

It's just that thing that makes you feel the compulsion to give each other kisses sometimes, even though your lips feel dry and wrinkled and your teeth are all shaky. You see, it's not the sensation at the moment that is wonderful about the kiss. It's the memories that the action jolts to remembrance. The beautiful giddy days of being IN love, the eloped weddings, the stupid alcohol-imbued tattooing of each other's names, the crazy can't-get-enough-of-you youthful libido.

Love is patient, love is kind, love is comfortable, love is simple, love is also boring.

But you don't mind it anyway because it's, well, love.

I guess that's just my interpretation. Jaded, because none of my relationships have been straightforward. There've always been complications. I pray to God it will be simpler in future. I'm sick and tired of 'passionate' quarrels and games. I want something real and solid. And now the waiting begins.

PS: Yingzhou is hot even though he is balding!

the expected burnout

2007-06-21T16:55:00.000+08:00

Yup... I burned out... Had to take MC today because overnight I morphed into the Cold Monster - with spinning head, phlegm shots and red nose glory.

I know I should be cursing work and stuff but I'd like to let you in on a little secret. So come here, come closer. Need to whisper it in your ear...

I love my job.

Wouldn't trade it for any other in the world. I realise this is a special internship. One where they do not equalise the word 'intern' with 'data entry, brainless work, photocopying / coffee-making extraordinaire'. They treat an 'intern' as a 'potential employee' - someone who breathes, lives, thinks, and hopefully doesn't make too many mistakes.

They want to hear my view, they want to see my research. And that's all thanks to my boss, who treats me with respect from the get-go and pushes me to do better.

I should be lounging around and sleeping off this MC day, but I've just spent a couple of hours tidying up my work because I know it matters. And it will be used as a jump-off point, just like the previous presentation.

This cold is annoying. I hope tomorrow I'll be much better. I NEED to go to work. I need to perform. I need to show them that I CAN.

drowning. blurrb blurrblub.

2007-06-16T21:45:00.000+08:00

I cannot believe it.

I cannot believe I'm giving a presentation within 4 days of starting the internship.

I cannot believe my boss commented so thoroughly on the prepared slides that I'd have to make some changes.

MAJOR changes.

During the weekend.

Which means more research.

Revamped formatting.

And memorising every single fact so that they can question me on any point and I can answer.

On my supposed down time.

I am going to puke.

I cannot believe this internship gives me more stress than school projects.

I cannot believe I have to WORK THROUGH THE WEEKEND.

I'm afraid my boss thinks I'm super woman and I cannot reveal to him that I'm actually a fake.

And at the end of the day, when I am so stressed and blue, there's no one to hold my hand because I bloody chose not to. Grrrrreeeaaat. The irony is, I can't let anyone in now when I'm so vulnerable, because I can't let them see me as a charity case.

I want you to hold my hand so bad, but I can't - this is the path I chose. It's a lonely road but it's where I have to go, just because.

examoverplayslackgooutdancestartwork

2007-06-12T00:21:00.000+08:00

BAH...

Exams over but somehow I still find myself busy. OK so the past few days been busy playing; watched movies, went for dinner, played games and attended some poker rounds. But then in between there was also dance. And I'm starting to feel the weight of the rehearsals. 4 out of 7 days is getting a bit too much especially with my intern starting on Wed. But who am I to complain? I really did ask for it when I didn't pull out of some of the items. Budden at that time who woulda known that I'd actually find an intern?

It's fine. Gruelling exercise + gruelling work = skinny me. Or maybe = binge-eating me. Hopefully it's the first equation.

Anyhohoho, I consider myself rather lucky to have a boss who plays Hold'em. As long as he doesn't rope me in to play his high-stakes games I should be financially fine. Heh.

Don't know what else to write. My life pretty boring now. My plan to gamble, drink and misbehave may not work out in the end if I'm too tired to move by the weekend! Maybe I should close blog like Syd did... There's simply nothing sensational or melodramatic going on! Bleah. But at least I'm not as unlucky as the ang moh fella in the vid...

you'd never guess who's in Fergie's music vid!

2007-06-03T00:46:00.000+08:00

Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie

I cannot believe Fergie got to kiss Peter Petrelli. And I cannot believe she left him. Like, hello? Can't see a good thing when it hits you right dere on de lips?? Does she not know that he radiates heat??? He also flies, regenerates, moves things with his mind, paints the future and (soon to be seen I hope) time travels.

... Drool.

And by the way. That hat, that outfit... define new boundaries for fugly.

Sigh... I want to kiss Peter Petrelli too! Sylar infatuation gone - being a psycho super villain he'd as soon kill you as take you out on a date - not good for health.

Umbrella - Rihanna

Don't really like her but have to admit this vid is pretty hot at times (she looks rather like Victoria Beckham at first tho). Having said that, compared to other peeps like Ciara or even Beyonce, this chick just cannot dance.

Stress relief time over back to AFA I agree wit Jess YouTube is evil and Blogger too and MSN and gossip blogs!

the post with no title

2007-06-01T23:29:00.000+08:00

Meh. Finally have some time to blog. I can't imagine how busy I've been the past few weeks. Usually my MSN status is 'Busy' but I'd be 'Busy' watching Heroes or playing online poker. But now I'm so busy I can't even afford to chat. So sorry if I've been dao, I must've been either really distracted or AWOL at the time.

Speaking of MSN status, rumor has it that some people actually put their status as 'Busy' / 'Away' just to appear cool. Errmm? OK. The only reason I never ever am plainly 'Online' is because I hate the noises MSN makes whenever a chat line is delivered / someone comes online. You know, how it goes 'da-da-doink!'. Friggin' irritating when you're trying to concentrate on a really good hand. I'll admit it, I love being 'Busy'! You can't get nudged and MSN shuts all the way up. (Aye, I realize alternatively I could just mute my whole laptop, but then what happens when I want to listen to iTunes? Also, muting doesn't solve the annoying nudges).

Why on earth am I blabbering on about MSN? Maybe it's because...

Am rather stressed about the coming exams. Suddenly I just feel a sudden NEED to maintain my GPA and after much thorough calculations (or not) I realize I need to get at least 2 A+'s out of the three accounting subjects I'm taking. The remaining one has to be graded at least an A.

HOW TO NOT BE STRESSED?

I've never been this stressed since O Levels. The only difference is back then I was stressed because I was scared that I couldn't cram enough info into my cranium. Now I'm stressed because I just can't be bothered to memorize a single shizz. And because deep down I kinda know the feat I'm about to try to pull off is, well, Mission Impossible:4.

Fo' shizzle!

Speaking of shizzles...

HOLY SHIT!!!

syd's birthday and my whinery

2007-05-24T15:53:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday darling! You're 22! May you get showered with all the happiness in the world! You're a star and you're one of a kind, and not just because your name sounds distinctly Australian. (Wowee that rhymes!) You're sugar and spice and everything nice, my dear spitfire!

And Jess's is coming up soon as well. Gotta dig deep into my pockets to buy decent pressies for 'em both!

Anyhoo, yesterday was a tiring day all and all. It started with an 830 class, went on to a stressful quiz at about noon, then dance practice til about 10 pm. The choreographer, Ryan, said that we should keep dancing until we feel like puking. Well I can honestly say I felt like puking. Dancing hardcore hiphop with an upset stomach is no joke! But I guess in a way the exercise helped to purge away my stress because at the end of it I felt much better mentally, emotionally and physically.

I truly hope the emotional roller coaster I've been on since last week would complete its course soon. I'm rather sick of being buoyed one moment just to hear of upsetting news the next moment. And it just kept happening, everything conveniently occurring all around the same period of time. Now I am 10 days away from exams. I really don't need my attention to be distracted by shit. So I'm lifting up my hands and praying that God will spare me the trials until this, well, trying period is over. I don't understand Him. Usually He'll leave me well enough alone to get into my own trubbs and then watch as I climb my way out of them. But I guess this time He's out to teach me a lesson or two about patience, humility and maturity; of which I have none.

On the Heroes front - wow, I didn't expect the season finale to end like THAT. What a surprise. I'd say I never expected HIM to do THAT, and HIM to do THAT. And what about the scene right at the end? Who's that fella? And how did his royal hotness manage THAT and what does it mean, those things in his eye? And it's cool what SHE did to HER.

imaheroesgeek!

3 stages of report-writing difficulties

2007-05-16T20:31:00.000+08:00

1. You don't know what to write for the report, don't know how to bring the ideas across in a coherent pattern, so can't get started.
2. You know what to write for the report, but don't know how to bring the ideas across in a coherent pattern, so can't get started.
3. You know what to write, you know how to bring the ideas across in a coherent pattern, but can't get started anyway because of laziness.

I'm at number 2!

the precursor procrastination post

2007-05-14T01:45:00.000+08:00

My time management is totally effed up. I thought I had all the time in the world on Friday and Saturday to spread out the work I had to do over the weekend. In the end I had to do both AT and AFA projects on Sunday, and left myself at an unnecessary state of panic.

Why do I do this to myself? Goodness. Finally watched Spidey and I have to say I preferred the second movie, but the Green Goblin is just hot. C'mon, he's way cooler than Tobey (who's suffering from receding hairline! Eeeeps! That's all I kept seeing everytime his mask came off).

Ate copious amount of Jap food on Sat. Ichiban for lunch with Yang, Zhi and Isa - the Bath crowd. Then kake soba for dinner with fam. That was my first time eating soba (you may call me a mon-tain tortoise) and... well, it was so-so. Didn't really like tasting wheat in my noodle, but the clear salty soup made up for it.

... I can't believe my AFA submission and AT presentation is this Friday, yet I'm yearning to read Agatha Christie's Hercule Poirot. Short of physically burning all my notes and texts, I am pretty darn set to break that procrastinating record.

In the midst of all the procrastination, I was lucky enough to discover where I'm headed and what I really want. Its strange how philosophical answers just pop into your head when you're eating kinder bueno. Anyways. I've come to the realization that relationships are tiring, even the unofficial ones. I'm not sure I need to be weighed down by the emotional baggage of some fella. Where am I heading? I guess I'm going to be a 'career-minded man', to quote a friend. I want to live comfortably, share relaxed joy with friends. The frustration and complication that the opposite sex give are like decoys detracting away from the road to success.

Aye. Maybe I shouldn't be saying this with nary an internship in sight. I'd better get the next one I applied to. If I can help it I'm not going to let someone take this one from me. Cue war paint & battle cry!

i need a sword

2007-05-09T01:16:00.000+08:00

Something like Hiro's out of Heroes will do. Totally adore that show by the by. The chicks kick ass (except for Simone but I don't like her character anyway; so irritating) and the guys are lovable, even the super villain. Wait, correct that. ESPECIALLY the super villain. Mr Sylar, you so sexaaaayyyy!

Anyhoo, totally deviated from what I initally wanted to write about. Basically I think I have low self-esteem. The 95% confidence level I had in myself has decreased to maybe 87%. OK that was nerdy statistics-talk but I didn't know how else I could put it. The sword will boost my confidence and psychologically affect my performance, and hopefully with it I can time-travel like Hiro.

Also damn upset that my new bag's already getting dirtified. I guess that's the risk I took when I bought a white-coloured bag that is not leather. Bleah. OK. I saw this green soft leather one in a shop at Raffles City. Will buy that next. Whoopeeee.

I can't believe I haven't watched Spiderman 3 yet. Thanks to someone... COUGH COUGH AHEM AHEM. Supposed to watch with Yang but the fella hasn't given me a solid timing yet. Hurry up!

last night

2007-05-07T12:24:00.000+08:00

P Diddy & Keisha Cole

this.

2007-05-03T14:54:00.000+08:00

It feels like a rollercoaster ride - good times, bad times, worse times, better times, bad times again. Dare I say it? Dare I say that I am tired? I'm tired of hoping that something good will come along to stay permanently. All these thrills? They don't last. They are an artificial high.

I've been keeping my chin up, laughing away my concerns when in the company of friends, but in moments like this I tremble with fear.

I'm starting to doubt not just one but several of my capabilities.

Am I able to love and be loved? Why do I feel as if my heart is made of stone. Please, oh please, let it not be made of stone. I just want to be good to someone, give my all to someone, fall and hurt and cry and be broken about someone. So why does my heart balk at the thought? Maybe I need to go it alone for a while. For a long, long time.

Am I able to prove myself? Why is it so difficult to find and be found. One by one I see the people around me achieving the success they desire. Why is it that much harder for me? I'm supposedly smart, I'm supposedly capable, yet each door slammed in front of me even as I took steps to cross the boundary.

I've always been able to console myself before, telling myself that it's going to be all right in the end, that everything will work out wonderfully just as it has always done. But now, buried deep in doubt, I feel not hopeful but lost. Scared. Left behind. You're right, hope is a deceitful dangerous thing. I hate it that you're right but you are.

This is me, bent and broken. Yet I can't take anyone's hand, I'm toughing it out alone. Time is running out.

the penis and the salary

2007-04-30T13:41:00.000+08:00

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labour.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.
_______________________________

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

unzip my body, take my heart out.

2007-04-28T02:39:00.000+08:00

Could a body close the mind out
Stitch a seam across the eye
If you can be good, you’ll live forever
If you’re bad, you’ll die when you die

Hearing only one true note
On the one and only sound
Unzip my body
Take my heart out

'Cause I need a beat to give this tune

Taking a picture of
Taking a picture of
Taking a picture of

Oh the body swayed to music
Oh the lightning glance
If I would give it all and all
Maybe you would hear me
Ask for half a chance

And if I need a rhythm
It’ll be to my heart I listen
If it don’t get me too far wrong

Taking a picture of you
Taking a picture of
Taking a picture of me
Taking a picture

Ramalama Bang Bang
Flash Bang Big Bang
Bing Bong, Ding Dong
Dum dum d’ dum dum

With a hammer Bang Bang
Flash Bang Press Gang
Bing Bong, Ding Dong
Dum dum d’ dum dum

With a st’ stammer
Bang Bang
Crash Bang
Big Bang
Boing Boing
Boing Boing
Dum dum d’ dum dum

---

Ivan's sensational in this dance!

daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaance.

2007-04-26T15:15:00.000+08:00

Been watching SYTYCD2 again since I was in a procrastinating mood. Was reminded of how much the following dances touched me.

Allison & Ivan performing Why

Allison & Ivan performing Sexy Love

These two had such great chemistry... Made the audience feel for them as a couple. The RnB item is just hawt.

Allison's last dance

She was my favorite! Sob. Love this performance because it's filled with such raw sadness. I guess it helped that she just found out that she's being booted out huh.

Speaking of SYTYCD2, I just realized that Benji, the winner, is featured in Christina Aguilera's Candyman. I think I have the YouTube vid under the March archive. Glad to know he gets jobs out of the show! Apparently he turned down the contract to perform for Celine Dion that was part of the prize 'cos it wasn't his style of dancing.

B..a..h. Back to schoolwork & tidying up of room. Well maybe after a short nap.

dating & talking cock

2007-04-22T17:48:00.000+08:00

Yang's just forwarded me this article from TalkingCock. It's hilarious! At the same time thoughtful, but I guess the thoughtful bit is lost on a blue IC holder like me. Unlike the nice normal pink IC holders, PRs are more likely to distance themselves away from potentially controversial political discussions. And when everyone else on the island is sweating away in the voting queues we could sit one corner and drink milkshake.

Anyhoo. Been holing up at home to do work the past few days. I have a distinct feeling that I'm getting lazier. I just have neither mood nor energy to socialise. The only friends I see are my project group mates, and even then we don't meet up for long because I have an ADD problem. The downside is that when I do decide to doll up and go out I get sloshingly drunk. Holla bash... not good. Not good at all. It's all a bit of a blur but I remember screaming like a horny hen-partier at Gotham strippers, making friends with the security personnel, toasting strangers and finding everything extra super dooper funny.

I also went out to get my 600 poker chips, which were detained at the SingPost building because my seller didn't include the invoice in the package. But thank goodness I didn't have to pay any taxes on it. When I was handed the long thin box holding the chips I paused for five seconds thinking, "How on EARTH am I gonna get this shizzle home??" because y'see, it was heavy. As in heavier than I expected. As in I walk five steps cradling it like a baby and then my arms want to drop off. Boy you gotta love cabs.

Au contraire to what is visible in school, I am single. I get nosy people like Mr Low Xu Yang (who's gonna intern at Deutsche PB and get paid $1.5k... RAAAHHHH!) asking me who's the 'dear' in the previous post. Eh, hallo, it's Sydney lah. I was feeling depressed so I called her because I knew she would give me tough love. I'm actually a rather unwanted spinster.

'Eh, are you back together with Gary? I see you with him in school all the time!'
Naww, we parted amicably and vowed to remain friends and we did. Have to be civilised with each other since we're in the same project groups for 2 modules.

'Eh, are you seeing X???'
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Whoever that X guy is, he is very lucky to be associated with me. Ho ho ho... Seriously tho, not seeing anyone. Just friends.

In fact, I've been hanging out with girls so much lately that my FATHER actually expressed CONCERN.

Father: Are you OK?
Me: Eh? OK?
Father: Ya. Are you?
Me: Erm, I think so? Why?
Father: Just want to make sure you're... normal.
Me: Wha-
Father: Oi. Don't laugh, this is serious business.
Me: OK OK don't worry I'm normal.

But even if I weren't, what's wrong with being a lesbian, hey?? I bet it beats fanning a man's ego and letting him get the upper hand. You never know where he'll put it.

=)

2007-04-20T20:05:00.000+08:00

Thank you dear.

... i'm never ever going to club ever again

2007-04-19T14:30:00.000+08:00

While Mel's driving the backseaters took the first ever picture for the night

Demure pose

Take a super big gulp of grape soda mixed with... heh heh somethin' else

The (relatively) early bunch

With (RED) Syd

Excuse me don't hog the camera!

My fave pic

Jianxiong took my drinkkk

Vikkkieeeeee

'Model' pose 1

'Model' pose 2

Two handsome boys lookin' for lurrrveeee

What a bunch of posers! Hehe

Vik's drunk too... I think!

In the club with Jess

Three of us! Been a long time since we got together to take a picture in a club

when you're losing when do you give up?

2007-04-17T20:51:00.000+08:00

I remember writing a depressed entry about not being able to get an internship some time ago. Well, five failed interviews later, I'm still singing the same song. So in the face of rejection, what do you do? Do you just admit that it's time to start looking at something not so glamorous? I've been aiming the top, so maybe it's time to check out the lower ranks? But oh, I could just imagine the discontentment I'd feel and the whatif's that would poison my brain and the questioning of self-worth.

Yet I have honestly done my best. I have talked about yen carry trades, about natural hedges and forward contracts, about how we should just keep releasing British sailors so that oil prices would stay low, about the burgeoning growth in China and the political constraints its electricity demands are causing, about the mad dash to sell off Treasury bonds in the face of inflation, about CAPM and Black Scholes and speculating and valuating and trading and selling.

Maybe I AM just not good enough. I have to admit that sooner or later. Maybe I'm just good enough to get to the last four or to the last two but I just don't make the cut. Maybe someone else displays more confidence, more capability, more grasp and knowledge about the markets. Maybe someone else knows programming, treats the Bloomberg machine like his lover, and can quote the closing price on any stock without blinking.

Maybe my competitor(s) could make even the fiercest interviewer laugh, shed a tear, say the words, "You're hired!"

Maybe I should just be content and be proud that I have had the opportunity to compete with these amazing people.

But I can't. Because it's a zero-sum game and if they win that means I lose. And oh God do I want this most recent internship! It is just perfect. Please don't let me screw this one up. Please let them just call me tomorrow and tell me it's all over and I got it. Please. I will work my ass off, go home at midnight everyday and be there at 6 am to prepare morning notes.

I guess all I could do is hang by the phone all day tomorrow and if it doesn't ring, then I'll know that I'm already defeated.

hit by the gurrgh argghh blearghh's

2007-04-13T19:18:00.000+08:00

Can't seem to make myself do anything right now. Nothing feels good. Blearghhh. Gonna play some hocus poker =(

everybody loves a good tournament

2007-04-06T22:16:00.000+08:00

Especially the winner.

Haha.

MOTOROKR-E6: Damn hotttt I want!

ethics is a hydra!

2007-04-05T00:07:00.000+08:00

I tell ya Ethics is best taken in small doses. Been reading up arguments and counter-arguments about workplace discrimination, corruption and corporate social responsibility for ages. I feel like my head's gonna go kaboom.

Tomorrow my bed will become my exam venue. This is the first and hopefully last time it's gonna happen! The Ethics exam is semi-take home (question gonna be posted on Vista, allocated time's 9 am - 4 pm), which is a rather strange hybrid because it's more like a prolonged open-book exam to me. I just hope I won't oversleep and wake up at 2 pm. That'd be a disaster fo' shure.

When I first started learning the subject I thought it was going to be yet another pointless took-it-cos-we-had-to module. But actually after reading the articles I discovered quite a few interesting points. I was especially captivated with Milton Friedman's eloquent essay. If you want to mince words, the essence of the essay is that the business of business is to do business, argued on the basis of capitalism as opposed to collectivism. I found it hard to digest at first and had to re-read it but goodness can the guy write! Despite the fact that some of his statements were rather extreme, I couldn't help but feel the commanding force of his words.

Why Ethics is a hydra
Because when you think you've killed off all existing arguments new counter-arguments are already growing and sprouting and doubling up in place of the dead ones.

It's irritating and you can't win, but still quite interesting anyways.

i only want sympathy in the form of you

2007-04-02T23:24:00.000+08:00

Ashlee & Dmitry from So You Think You Can Dance 2 performing a Contemporary item! Kinda lacking in technique but I love the Coppelia concept!

Dance, dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance
This is the way they'd love
if they knew how misery loved me

sweet, sugah, candyman!

2007-03-29T14:49:00.000+08:00

Good things come for boys who wait...

Watch Urban Pulse: The Hottest Thing Since Buttered Toast

Get your tickets now!

Ask me nicely and I'll ask Mr J Tan, the ticket I/C nicely for good seats! Or if you bump into him you can ask him nicely yourself, he's the guy doing the lunge in the postah.

We have:
1. Hot Girls
2. Hot Boys
3. Hot Dances (OK actually haven't really learned the choreo yet but guaranteed plus chop 100% hot)
4.Hot Pulsating Beat

What more do you want? Is this not the stuff your dreams are made of? And please don't go all literal on me and answer 'no, your dreams are made of brain cell stuff'! No no, not funny at all...

Way way way way overdue Hip Hop Night's pictures

OK some of the picture qualities are quite bad 'cos weren't taken using flash and I can't be bothered to adjust the brightness/sharpness watchamacallit.

deep sigh

2007-03-26T22:38:00.000+08:00

I think I've just screwed up the online numerical test for ML! Damnitttt.

Hhhhhhhhh.

Playing poker to calm me down.

Okay just won a hand with trip Kings.

Does being lucky in poker mean my luck in career will go down????????

...

I will never forgive myself if I screw up the test! I am supposed to be good with numbers! What the hell's wrong with me. Or maybe I am actually really really stupid and has just been disillusioned all this while =(

*knocks heads of those who agree silently with the last statement.

my stupid mouth and the bloody chamber

2007-03-26T01:48:00.000+08:00

I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery than she desert me
Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now
Starting now

One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked, just wanna be funny
Looks like the joke's on me
So call me Captain Backfire

-- John Mayer, My Stupid Mouth

I love his lyrics! They always, always ring true. Imagine this poor guy who's trying to impress the girl of his dreams!

I just bought a collection of fairy tales edited by Angela Carter, which made me feel like buying her celebrated book of short stories, The Bloody Chamber. The title story is based on the dark fairy tale Bluebeard.

Synopsis of Bluebeard from Wiki

"Bluebeard was a wealthy aristocrat, feared because of his "frightfully ugly" blue beard. He had been married three times, but no one knew what had become of his wives. He was therefore avoided by the local girls. When Bluebeard visited one of his neighbours and asked to marry one of her daughters, they were terrified, and each tried to pass him on to the other. Eventually he persuaded the younger daughter to marry him, and after the ceremony she went to live with him in his château.

Very shortly after, however, Bluebeard announced that he had to leave the country for a while; he gave over all the keys of the chateau to his new wife, including the key to one small room that she was forbidden to enter. He then went away and left the house in her hands. Almost immediately she was overcome with the desire to see what the forbidden room held, and finally her visiting sister convinced her to satisfy her curiosity and open the room.

However, the wife immediately discovered the room's horrible secret: Its floor reeked of blood, and the dead bodies of her husband's former wives hung on the walls. Horrified, she locked the door, but blood had come onto the key which would not wash off. Bluebeard returned unexpectedly and immediately knew what his wife had done. In a blind rage he threatened to behead her on the spot, and so she locked herself in the highest tower with her sister. While Bluebeard, sword in hand, tried to break down the door, the sisters waited for their two brothers to arrive. At the last moment, as Bluebeard was about to deliver the fatal blow, the brothers broke into the castle, and as he attempted to flee, they killed him.

He left no heirs but his wife, who inherited all his great fortune. She used part of it for a dowry to marry her sister to the one that loved her, another part for her brothers' captains commissions, and the rest to marry a worthy gentleman who made her forget her ill treatment by Bluebeard."

Angela Carter's version has some plot twists which should not be Wiki-ed lest it spoils your reading pleasure. Boooo. Really wanna read it.

lucky you

2007-03-23T01:54:00.000+08:00

In the world of high-stakes poker, Huck Cheever is a blaster--a player who goes all out, all the time. But in his personal relationships, Huck plays it tight, expertly avoiding emotional commitments and long-term expectations. When Huck sets out to win the main event of the 2003 World Series of Poker--and the affections of Billie Offer, a young singer from Bakersfield--there is one significant obstacle in his path: his anger toward his father, L.C. Cheever, the poker legend who abandoned Huck's mother years ago. As these two rivals progress toward a final showdown at the poker table, Huck learns that to win in the games of life and poker, he must try to play cards the way he has been living his life and live his life the way he has been playing cards.

My prediction: with cameos from the likes of Daniel Negreanu, I declare Lucky You as THE MUST-SEE MOVIE OF THE YEAR IF YOU ARE A POKER ADDICT.

Coincidentally, if you look at the hole cards Eric Bana gets in the movie poster, KJ is always a tough pairing to bet pre-flop. It looks good at first but when you think about it, you're getting caught in between a rock and a hard place. If high cards pop out, you get screwed by an Ace. If low cards pop out, you STILL get screwed by an Ace-high. For me at least, I tend to overbet seeing as they make such a pretty pairing. I'd say KJ looks more attractive than KQ, simply because girls would rather check out two boys rather than a couple.

-------

It's 2 AM in the morn and I have a lesson in 6.5 hours yet my mind refuses to sleep. It's filled with thoughts, which is a rare phenomenon since it's normally set on Autocruise mode. It'll respond whenever I need it to work (eg. to carry out half-decent conversations, play poker, and oh yeah the occasional school stuff) but the default state would be Dormant.

Anyhoo. Thoughts. Yep yep. It just suddenly dawned on me how utterly marvellous change is. Sure it's scary, it's daunting, and it puts you in supremely awkward positions (nono not physically!) (I hope), yet change provides you the thrills that your life would otherwise lack. Change is constant, it'll always be there in the subtlest of ways, but there will be periods in your life when you see it working its curious magic at a heightened frequency.

I am at such a period. I'm not sure if I like it, yet. I'm not sure if everything will turn out fine, yet. I'm not sure if I should reveal more, yet. I'm so afraid of announcing how I feel about this and how I feel about that. Oh dear! Have my posts always been so cryptic? I just feel like I have to screen my words for some unknown reason!

The Weekly Wednesday Post From A GSR*

2007-03-21T08:12:00.000+08:00

Hokay so I drove my little brother to school again. Question: why does he insist on reaching school as early as 6.30 am? Has my memory failed me, or did pre-university school days really start THAT early?? Gosh. I can't imagine digesting English Lit or having Chem Lab at such inhumane hours. Imagine if you accidentally fall asleep standing up, and your face droop directly into the bunsen burner. Nice.

So I've got ten minutes before AMA* starts. Quick quick what shall I write about? Hmmm... Errmm... Hnngghhh... Gurrgghhh... Ah! EUREKA! (That must be the ultimate nerdiest discovery lingo, by the way) Let's talk about Music & Lyrics.

Talking About Music & Lyrics

So I watched this show on Sunday with SYd and Jess. It's your typical romantic comedy, and I hated Drew's character, yet it has its saving graces too. Some of which are:
1. Hugh Grant
2. Hugh Grant
3. Hugh Grant

Honestly, I'd recommend anyone to watch it just to see Hugh Grant do some forceful pelvic-thrusting. He's such a charming character! But my fave still has got to be him in Mickey Blue Eyes. When I watched that show for the first time I actually folded over with laughter and fell off the couch.

Back to Music & Lyrics, the show has some pretty nifty songs. Like Way Back Into Love and Don't Write Me Off. I'd love to hear the entire soundtrack! *nudges Jess*

Goals to achieve this summer
(kinda random but I need to remind myself)

1. Get a nifty internship
2. Lose fats, esp on cheeks
3. Earn some shoe & bag money from trading
4. Lead a fulfilling lovelife with my ideal partner (see post from couple of months back)
5. Smile more, build deeper friendships
6. Go for makeover with Jing
7. Play all pocket 7's in Hold'em

*Definitions for SMUSpeak

GSR: Group Study Room; a small room the size of a dentist's office used for conducting project meetings, general studying, and apparently emergency make-out sessions. Spread in large quantities throughout the campus buildings, always overbooked.

AMA: Advanced Management Accounting; one of the advanced accounting courses which you can only take from Feb to June in Semester 2, requires plenty of class participation. Lecturer has a tendency to call names, hence surfing blogs or playing at Full Tilt not recommended.

so!

2007-03-19T17:26:00.000+08:00

...

I thought you of all people would understand.

girl power night

2007-03-12T22:05:00.000+08:00

Nothing In This World

Nothing in this world can stop us tonight
I can do what she can do so much better

With Love

All this time we finally know each other
Now that I'll be leaning on your shoulder
I can tell you baby that you're right and right and wrong and wrong

A bit bimbotic but we need to shut off our brains some time. Yes yes?

Experienced a hell ride in Mel's car. My heart literally leaped to the back of my throat, then down to the bottom of my stomach, and got stuck at the back seat before recovering. If this is what his girlfriend has to deal with, I do not envy Jess at all. He should put a bumper sticker saying "not for the faint-hearted".

Watched Pursuit of Happyness recently.

*SPOILER BELOW!*

*REALLY!*

*DON'T TELL ME I DIDN'T WARN YOU!*

It's a never-give-up type of show, supposed to be touching and heart-wrenching but I felt it was rather painful to watch. And I experienced additional stress watching the guy get the internship under ridiculous conditions when I'm still waiting on tenterhooks for the result of my interview.

OK let's not talk about internships, it's rather sickening.

*SPOILER ENDS HERE*

*YOU CAN LOOK NOW*

*REALLY!*

I had a violent dream yesterday. Somehow my consciousness got embodied in a male hack-'n-slash hero and suddenly I was supposed to slay hundreds of enemies inside some traditional Chinese tower / mansion. Apparently I was the leader of the defenders and extremely skillful. Like Condor Hero level. The problem is my consciousness is still ME, and I'm obviously scared of dying so I just hid behind the door and slashed the necks of the enemies who came by (the cowardly way to kill).

When one of them managed to scratch my hand I panicked and started screaming, then I tried cutting the neck of the enemy. While blood spurted out I was afraid he was still alive so I kept sawing back and forth. Then I tried piercing his stomach but found it really hard to penetrate his body because of resistance from the bones. It all seemed so... REAL! It was even difficult to pull the sword back out. All this while I was aware of an urgency - I knew I had to hurry in finishing the guy off before the Sub-Enemy-Boss came to find me.

The Sub-Boss came, some elderly fella with long white hair, and I was really freaked out. I was so scared of getting hurt and dying. I'm scared he'll see right through my bluff of bravado.I couldn't let him know that I didn't believe in my capabilities. It's tough putting on a strong facade.

Was so shaken when I woke up. Brrrrrr!

rumpelstiltskin

2007-03-10T22:43:00.000+08:00

Ohmygoodness.

It's been such a long and tiring two days.

Waking up at 5.30 am and trying to stay awake until 4.30 am of the next day is quite a feat.

Those who are trying to ace their interviews should learn from the story of Rumpelstiltskin. Don't lie about your capabilities, don't promise things you know you won't and can't deliver, and most importantly it is CRUCIAL that you know the right answer to impossible questions.

The lack of sleep has made me irritable. After a tiring 2-day mental marathon I reached home thinking that finally I could unknot myself and rest but no, I still have to entertain her. Why doesn't she just go home already?

She seems to quietly disapprove whatever actions I take, and she monitors my movements 24/7, and I just don't know WHY. Why? What's the point? Will it make me love her more? No! That's impossible. I'm sorry but since young I was never close to her. Why start now? Why bother? Especially when her comments are barbed. She and my mother drove me up the wall so high I hit the ceiling.

Don't ask me questions, I don't like answering to you. Don't come into my room without knocking, I don't like your peeking face. Just don't. Don't don't don't.

(I know I should be nicer but... I can't. Please, not now... I just want to go to sleep. I'm desperate for some sleep. Please, just let me go to sleep.)

the time now is 7.29 am

2007-03-07T07:25:00.000+08:00

And I'm in school! Like, what the HEY?

Well, it's a medium-length story, and not a very interesting one either. Once upon a time, I got fed up with morning buses and decided to drive to school. But since our family has only one car I have an obligation to send my brutha to HIS school first, and HE demands that we leave the house at 6 am.

Insert scream of agony here.

But that's fine, I'd do anything, even waking up at the hours of the undead, to avoid taking the morning bus to school.

Reasons why I hate the morning bus:

1. It is puke-inducing. It jerks forward, then stops, then jerks again, then stops, making my chocolate milk crawl back up my throat.
2. It moves at snail-pace because of traffic and a lot of working people flagging the damn bus.
3. You always don't get a seat because all the aunties / working people already took up the seats, and most of them are happily snoring away with their heads keeled back and drool dripping out of the corners of their mouth.
4. You get squeezed together with people who rushed through their morning routines, leaving their breaths smelling less than can be desired.
5. The working people's bulky briefcases poke you from all angles, and they think they're such big shots that they don't bother apologizing, or they act like it's a privilege to be poked by them.
6. When you lose your balance as a result of the jerking of the bus, there's nothing to hold on to other than the sweaty armpit of the person next to you.
7. I don't think we need more reasons here.

So hokay, I foresee myself hanging around school at this time for three times a week because I have 3 morning classes. It's all good. Gives me time to catch up on readings. Mon is a nerd but she is a nerd who managed to avoid morning commute!

so there IS hope!

2007-03-03T19:31:00.000+08:00

Recently I became really worried about getting internships because of something a friend said to me. He said that normally for trading internships you need to show that you have had some trading experience on your own before.

Well, during the flurry of internship applications I haven't really considered THAT. So I left my friend feeling crushed and hopeless as I knew I'd probably not get called for interviews because I never displayed any trading capabilities either in the resume or cover letter. All I've got is a new, empty account with Vickers.

Yesterday, after getting back home from Zouk at 4 am I decided to check my school e-mail to see if Chloe's sent any facility booking confirmation for our meeting venue the next day. But all thoughts of the project meeting flew out the window when I read an e-mail from someone else: the Campus Recruitment manager of Goldman Sachs.

So there's my first interview, and whilst I'm afraid of botching it up I'm also full of hope. The best scenario that can happen now is that they offer me the internship at the end. Hell, it's not even IB we're talking about here. It's Trading. That extremely competitive, tough, hard-to-get-in business area. If I really get it I'm gonna open several bottles at Velvet!

But if I don't, well, at least they'd given me hope, which is one of the best damn things you can have next to you.

what's your phobia?

2007-03-02T14:49:00.000+08:00

Agoraphobia: Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place.

Allodoxaphobia: Fear of opinions.

Anuptaphobia: Fear of staying single.

Arachibutyrophobia: Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.

Automatonophobia: Fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues - anything that falsely represents a sentient being.

Bogyphobia: Fear of bogies or the bogeyman.

Bromidrophobia: Fear of body smells.

Cacophobia: Fear of ugliness.

Caligynephobia: Fear of beautiful women.

Coulrophobia: Fear of clowns.

Deipnophobia: Fear of dining or dinner conversations.

Dextrophobia: Fear of objects at the right side of the body.

Eisoptrophobia: Fear of mirrors or of seeing oneself in a mirror.

Geniophobia: Fear of chins.

Gerontophobia: Fear of old people or of growing old.

Haptephobia: Fear of being touched.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.

Ichthyophobia: Fear of fish.

Illyngophobia: Fear of vertigo or feeling dizzy when looking down.

Ithyphallophobia: Fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.

Kathisophobia: Fear of sitting down.

Lachanophobia: Fear of vegetables.

Macrophobia: Fear of long waits.

Mageirocophobia: Fear of cooking.

Monophobia: Fear of solitude or being alone.

Necrophobia: Fear of death or dead things.

Octophobia: Fear of the figure 8.

Odontophobia: Fear of teeth or dental surgery.

Panophobia: Fear of everything.

Parthenophobia: Fear of virgins or young girls.

Philematophobia: Fear of kissing.

Philophobia: Fear of falling in love or being in love.

Pogonophobia: Fear of beards.

Rhytiphobia: Fear of getting wrinkles.

Taphophobia: Fear of being buried alive or of cemeteries.

Trichophobia: Fear of hair.

Urophobia: Fear of urine or urinating.

Vestiphobia: Fear of clothing.

Xanthophobia: Fear of the color yellow or the word yellow.

Zelophobia: Fear of jealousy.

Zemmiphobia: Fear of the great mole rat.

A Subaltern's Love Song

2007-02-28T01:48:00.000+08:00

by John Betjeman

Miss J.Hunter Dunn, Miss J.Hunter Dunn,
Furnish'd and burnish'd by Aldershot sun,
What strenuous singles we played after tea,
We in the tournament - you against me!

Love-thirty, love-forty, oh! weakness of joy,
The speed of a swallow, the grace of a boy,
With carefullest carelessness, gaily you won,
I am weak from your loveliness, Joan Hunter Dunn.

Miss Joan Hunter Dunn, Miss Joan Hunter Dunn,
How mad I am, sad I am, glad that you won,
The warm-handled racket is back in its press,
But my shock-headed victor, she loves me no less.

Her father's euonymus shines as we walk,
And swing past the summer-house, buried in talk,
And cool the verandah that welcomes us in
To the six-o'clock news and a lime-juice and gin.

The scent of the conifers, sound of the bath,
The view from my bedroom of moss-dappled path,
As I struggle with double-end evening tie,
For we dance at the Golf Club, my victor and I.

On the floor of her bedroom lie blazer and shorts,
And the cream-coloured walls are be-trophied with sports,
And westering, questioning settles the sun,
On your low-leaded window, Miss Joan Hunter Dunn.

The Hillman is waiting, the light's in the hall,
The pictures of Egypt are bright on the wall,
My sweet, I am standing beside the oak stair
And there on the landing's the light on your hair.

By roads "not adopted", by woodlanded ways,
She drove to the club in the late summer haze,
Into nine-o'clock Camberley, heavy with bells
And mushroomy, pine-woody, evergreen smells.

Miss Joan Hunter Dunn, Miss Joan Hunter Dunn,
I can hear from the car park the dance has begun,
Oh! full Surrey twilight! importunate band!
Oh! strongly adorable tennis-girl's hand!

Around us are Rovers and Austins afar,
Above us the intimate roof of the car,
And here on my right is the girl of my choice,
With the tilt of her nose and the chime of her voice.

And the scent of her wrap, and the words never said,
And the ominous, ominous dancing ahead.
We sat in the car park till twenty to one
And now I'm engaged to Miss Joan Hunter Dunn.

---

Ahhh... Remember when love feels so giddy? This poem makes me smile, always. How mad I am, sad I am, glad that you won.

think of a happy place, happy place, happy place

2007-02-25T22:21:00.000+08:00

Looking back, I rather enjoyed the midterm break despite the fact that towards the end of it, I found myself rushing to finish studying for Ethics midterm.

I especially loved the Tuesday spent in the company of Syd. It started off as an idyllic late afternoon, we shopped our lethargy off and ate and drank at NY. And then I shopped shopped shopped some more (Syd's a very bad shopping partner because she induces you to spend more by commenting that the dress looks nice on you etc etc) and Syd shopped shopped shopped a little bit and then we settled down for some Starbucky goodness and then there was the movie.

Paris, je t'aime.

It's one of the most well-crafted films I've seen this year (not that I've seen much). Think it was made last year for the Cannes festival, thus it was a bit arty. But it's still chokeful of big names like Natalie Portman, Maggie Gyllenhal and Elijah Wood. I really like it. It's a collection of 18 short films about love, shot by renowned directors from all over the world. My personal shortie is the last one shown - the story of a woman who fell in love with the city of Paris. She narrated the story in such an honest and simple way that I found myself shedding a tear or two in remembrance of my exchange trip. That's how I felt too travelling to those foreign countries. At first out of place and lonely, and then adapting, and then not wanting to leave.

At first the disturbing lack of familiarity, and then realizing that precisely because the city was unfamiliar that it became beautiful in its own way.

I'm really grateful I have this blog to remind me of it. Truly the greatest adventure I've embarked in my otherwise mundane life. And I can't wait for more in the future... Different sorts of trips with different sorts of people. Friends, relatives, special ones... I want to go to Hong Kong with my grandfather. Back to UK and Europe with Jing, who's going on an exchange to Newcastle soon :( ... To Egypt for my honeymoon. And of course Paris again, and Florence because I never got the chance to see it. India and Africa and Switzerland and New York and Japan and Korea and Canada and Norway and the furthest furthest reaches of the world.

Ahhh... wanderlust.

My happy place is here
but it's also there
My happy place is with you
but it's also without you
My happy place is inside
wherever I find peace

Isn't life great? You can do anything you want, be anyone you want to be, and the whole world is waiting for you.

this little girl needs some growin' up

2007-02-24T22:55:00.000+08:00

Where am I headed?

The road to success seems a minotaur's maze.

Should I keep trying or should I settle for the easy way out?

Dissatisfaction versus disappointment, which could I live with?

This need to want more, is it greed or is it ambition?

So many questions left unanswered.

i think i am really bad at poker

2007-02-19T11:58:00.000+08:00

Played the whole night with Andri and Daniel, yet while they won 50-odd dollars I could only rake in $10, practically breaking even.

...

What's wrong with me?? There must be a flaw in my playing method. I can't help obsessing about this, what with Vegas Night just around the corner. I really had better train more before playing with the 39 pros at the table (OK, well, 38. I know how Yang plays).

Maybe I'm too tight. Yet sometimes I play loose too, and sometimes loose play makes me end up with half the original chip stack. I've been playing too many cash games that I forgot the right strategy for tournament. It seems a million years ago that I played with the Thornbanks people. How? Somebody help! Any tips for playing tournament with 40 people?

On to other matters. I think I'm missing the genes that make you grow up. You know, those genes that tell you to concentrate on building your resume so that you can nail a high-paying job. Those same genes that tell you to go look for someone who potentially could be your life partner. Those genes that tell you to join Cognitare, or SMIF, or EyE, or to network with people in the business world. Those genes that warn you to be politically correct at all times.

Without these genes, how could I be successful in life?

I'm starting to worry. Is it too late to make something of myself now?

I've talked to dad about trading strategies and I'd go register for an account after this CNY holiday is past. He's agreed to finance me, so hopefully in the near future I'd be able to get enough small change out of stocks and warrants to buy the Gucci bag.

But I don't know if that alone is enough. I really, really want to be a trader. Yet I haven't heard a peep out of all the trading internship applications I've sent out.

Mon is a failure :(

...

Okay dokay will snap out of this bleeding-heart self-pitying mode now. SSSNNNAAAPPP!

damn.

2007-02-15T04:17:00.000+08:00

Just got back from a poker game at like 3.45 am. Won a little but that's not what made it interesting.

The way that guy looked at me, especially after that hand... Damn.

Kinda made me feel hot under the collar.

i cannot be without you, matter of fact

2007-02-13T10:15:00.000+08:00

Scarlett Johansson acting in a mini-movie that is Justin T's latest music vid.

---

Been listening to Foo Fighters' Walking After You again. So sad. Also Slow Dancing In A Burning Room. It's all Zee's fault for introducing me to all these emo songs! *pout*

Don't really know what to write, nothing much been happening. Ethics presentation was OK, next is Marketing case presentation on Thur which means my V-Day would be spent in a project room in school. Yay! At least I won't have to scrounge around for a date. Heh.

(Well somebody did offer to spend it with me, but on the condition that I pay for everything, seeing as 'it means so much to me'. Wow, thanks for the EXTREMELY GENEROUS offer... Would rather save up for the following Gucci bag!)

Princy tote in white leather. I could only find the medium tote pic but Gucci in Taka carries the large version, which I prefer...

Oh, must must must try to find another bottle of Escada Island Kiss. It's the only fragrance I'd like to stick to for years until I'm all old and grotty.

Finally watched Step Up, the showcase at the end was really nice:

sing to me the song of the stars

2007-02-09T02:34:00.000+08:00

Watching Mandy Moore dying, dying, dying and then dead makes me feel like crying. I used to not like her so much, but she did a pretty decent job in this movie, methinks.

...

Thanks Jing, you're a babe.

the list, part 2 (edited!)

2007-02-06T23:19:00.000+08:00

Wa-hey!

Syd's shopblog has come out with its second collection. I'm personally involved with this one, have to say the tops really flatter your figure! Check it out at brandybutter!

Speaking of whom...

Thou art lurrrrrved!

-----

Jing came up with her own The List in response to mine. Since she highlighted the bits of my list that she agreed with I'm gonna do the same thing with hers!

(note: i am not looking for my next boyfriend!!! this is just for fun.)

20 criterias to match Mon's list!
1. looks geeky sexy. like Superman. OMGGGGGG. uber turn on.
2. loves without reason
3. must not kick me off the bed when we are sleeping.
4. appreciates the simple things in life. cliche but many guys like stupid things. like pasting decals on their 5 year old cannot run sedan.
5. must understand that i like school.
6. must be a strong man, not a whimpy, tell-me-what-to-do sort.
7. cuddles me on a cold rainy day.
8. is adventurous, because i'd love for us to go backpacking in India, or go for a extravagant holiday in Sweden, or eat live squids in Korea, and still be happy together.
9. can withstand my gfs and parents teasing and laughs it off.
10. doesn't give the blank stare when my dad is talking to him.
11. must be a man of action not words.
12. eats whatever i cook him, even if its not very nice.
13. is confident and self assured.
14. be composed and suave even at the most crucial moments, like James Bond. 15. must not be a vainpot, just naturally handsome. if you're not handsome don't try too hard because it ALWAYS BACKFIRES.
16. treats people graciously.
17. does not let the cineleisure glass door slam back on me.
18. endeavours to treat me the best he can.
19. appreciates what i do for him.
20. has kindness that shows in his eyes.

I feel like cooking maggi right now, it's comfort food. Repeat this mantra: MSG is good for you MSG is good for you MSG is good for you especially if you find your hair too thick.

Gotta mugmugmug for marketing soon.

what a joke

2007-02-06T01:54:00.000+08:00

I'm overwhelmed by today's series of incidents. They screw up my system, my emotions, my belief, my pride, everything.

First: woke up late. When I had set an alarm to ensure I woke up early, as well as making sure I had sufficient sleep. It is disturbing to know that despite all precautions the end result is much worse than expected. I hated myself for being late, had to rush through everything and thus I felt less prepared for the impending FT interview.

Second: screwed up FT interview. It seems to be a snowball effect. I did the worst possible job on it, even blanking out for seconds, staring into space, and asking, "err, can I restart?". Yet when I told my friends about this royal flush of a fuckup, their response is, "surely it's not that bad."

= DISBELIEF.

I feel like the boy who cried wolf.

Honestly, when I'm confiding in you a personal anguish with my face contorted in a hundred different directions, or over MSN my vowels and punctuations go beyond the required number (eg. aaaaaaaah nooooooo soobbbbbbb !!!!!!!!!!!!) it IS that bad. I'm not one to be theatrical and exaggerating about issues I regard seriously. But I guess to some people it's not that big a deal, screwing up an FT interview as opposed to a real work interview. Thing is, I now have this traumatic experience and I'd be asking myself constantly

"what if I fuck up a real work interview as well? Surely I'd be more nervous when a real job is at stake! If I can't do a decent one for a stupid half-mod course, how can I do well in a real one when the questions are surely to be tougher??"

Well, I suppose I'd have to practice 1,001 times in front of the mirror to get my body language right, to stop myself from tittering, and MOST IMPORTANTLY no blanking out and "err, restart" comments!

Lesson learned the hard way, and I accept the fact that it is solely my fault though with a heavy heart. I deserve an ugly grade.

Hokay dokay. Moving on...

Third: Late in submission of Ethics project part. Was reading through the ethical theories and halfway I fell asleep. Isn't there an illness associated with sleeping patterns? Like how you can sleep anytime, anywhere because of low blood pressure or something? Damn. I'm starting to feel like I'm suffering from that. No matter how much sleep I have I seem to require more and that's interfering with work!

Fourth: Not enough time in the day to manage to read Marketing chapters. And my quiz is on Thursday, so technically I have 2 days left. Half a day will be burnt in school because of classes, meetings, and dance. Another half a day would be devoted to resume / cover-letter writing & going out to print them in nice paper. So 1 day left. F*** F*** F*** F*** F***!

I wish everything isn't happening all at once!

Fifth: Something that's not happening to me personally, but I've witnessed a friend got burnt really bad by a guy. And it angers me, saddens me, frustrates me that she is feeling so hurt because of an insensitive bugger. Why is it that men can trample all over women's feelings any day and feel nothing for it? If they feel guilt, it would be related to themselves ('I don't want her to hate me'), or marginal.

OK, by stating 'men', I'm making a categorical accusation, hence I shall modify it to 'male players'. You are a player if you play with a person's feelings to satisfy a short-term need of something.

I'm angry that these men don't seem to think before they act. They are callous and careless. They leave a bad impression and they think they can get away with anything. Even if they say sorry,

How will that stop the hurt?

Girls can't help putting them on pedestals. Only time would heal the wounds, I really can't think of any other cure. So while someone is walking around with a great burden, someone else is happily courting another girl.

How to stop the hurt

when you're reminded of it constantly, by sight and hearsay?

I'm giving these male players some credit here, I'm assuming they are not complete dumbasses to not be aware of the consequences of their actions.

If you are aware, why do you still do it?

Do you regard the girls you play with as a disposable commodity?

How do you justify your actions?

How do you sleep at night?

When you're old and 40 and your back is bent and your stomach is a beer bong you would wish for the love of a good woman, only to realize that there is no good woman left for you.

attempts to rock the bangs

2007-02-03T16:19:00.000+08:00

...

Cannot la.

Maybe you have to be a Pussycat Doll to pull it off?

Relaxing day so far (when I try not to think about the shortness of ze bangs). Finally bought some Indomie mee goreng to satisfy my supper cravings. Can't wait to cook them yay yay yay! Am rather despondent though because a friend I'm supposed to hang with ditched me for a boy. It's not her fault and I totally understand, but still that left me feeling kinda blue. I want to hang and have a girly time yet I can't! The problem with my friends is that they are far too attractive to be boyless (despite some of them being single). One of these days they will peer-pressure me into finding someone, anyone, so that I could hang with them on double dates at least.

=(

Speaking of That Special Someone, I have decided that the next guy to charm me would be able to fill the following criteria:

1. Must like grocery-shopping, like my dad. I like grocery-shopping with my dad because we'll always end up with weird / funny stuff, mostly Things We Actually Do Not Need.
2. Must be charming, but not 'oily'.
3. Must be able to match my dad in terms of accomplishments!
4. Must understand a girl's need to shop, but cannot be too much of a shopaholic himself, because I'll hate it if he's a more expert shopper than me
5. Must be able to impress without trying too hard
6. Must be able to hold a conversation about anything and everything, and do not attempt too hard to sound 'intellectual'
7. Must be intelligent and well-spoken, not patronizing
8. Must be able to cook, because I'd love for us to cook up a meal together!
9. Must be knowledgeable and can teach me new stuff
10. Must drive a car, because I wouldn't want to be the one driving him around all of the time (and I'm still a cock driver)
11. Must be able to eat spicy food and like oriental stuff like Thai, Jap, and Indo (v important!)
12. Must not leave all the decision-making to me, girls like boys to take charge sometimes!
13. Must be able to play poker well, and beat me in a good hand (not out of luck)
14. Must be taller, girls like to wear heels
15. Must be a good kisser
16. Must have decent taste in clothes and be able to look good in striped polo tee's (my fav!) rather than look like an ah pek
17. Must smell fresh and not overload on aftershave / cologne
18. Must have a similar sense of humor
19. Must be nice and able to click with my girlfriends
20. Must be silently confident, not cocky

Eh... Chances are I'll never meet someone like that who's still single! Oh well, a girl can dream can't she? I shall not settle for less! I will be a spinster all my life if need be! Maybe that's why nuns become nuns? They can't find any other man worth devoting their lives for and refuse to settle? Heh.

do not go gentle into that good night

2007-02-02T01:32:00.000+08:00

Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Funeral Blues

W.H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

(I found the lines in italics especially sad)

Poor Giraffe

As forwarded by Yang.

what it is i do not know, but you make me wanna let it go!

2007-01-30T12:50:00.000+08:00

No music vids this time, but rather something infinitely better... Eurhythmix's Patron's Day 2007 performance! Woooooot!

I really liked our costumes this time around. Very grungy / sexy! Think the second chorus was where everyone moved the neatest, especially the tall girls on stage! Very nice babes. Emix rocks! Yay!

Looking back, I can't believe this is the third Patron's Day we've done together. Time sure flies. It might even be our last. Now every performance we do brings us closer to the end, to that moment when we'll have to move on with our lives and embrace the corporate world.

We've grown so much, we're now the oldest generation of Emixers still in SMU! Can't believe it. We've all metamorphosized into beautiful butterflies from our caterpillar selves in year 1 (cock makeup, cock hair, cock facial expressions! Haha). I'll sure miss it when it's over... Sigh.

Disclaimer: OK. In almost all of the photos below, the angle of my face & the expression are all identical. I didn't mean to imitate a wooden doll, but was pressed for time when snapping pics so the automatic pose that came out was that one!!

Prep @ CCA Room. Was rather frantic because there were so many of us! I don't know what Yiwei was trying to do in this pic.

Pretty Syd did her makeup and hair extremely fast so she helped me curl my hair.

Lixin. To state that she's the best dancer Emix has is like stating that the sky is blue, or that we humans have two legs (except for some men who claim they have tripods. HAH!)

Posing with Kunali, the nice chocolate Justin gave all of us, and my welcome note back (it says 'welcome back').

Candace looks so cute!! Hahah!

Celine's complexion is so smooth! Maybe I should pose like that too so that my skin will look flawless! Mich in the centre's leaving for Jap soon.

With Jess, who was rushing her eye makeup but still managed to make it look nicer than mine! Bleurghh. When are you going to give us makeup lessons??

Livin' la VIDA loca!

After our short performance it's time to go hoooome. With the year 1 boys! Edward, Kenneth, Ryan!

Year 1 babes! Syn Yi looks hawtttt in her hot pants!

With my babe Syd! Thanks for helping me get the hair mask :)

With JX who came to watch our perf and came to look for us even though he was extremely sick... Poor Jianxiong get lots of rest all rightey?

Had a fattening dinner after our performance was over. Headed to Crystal Jade XLB and ate loads. Excellent company and excellent dinner conversation (about Bermuda triangle, alternate dimensions and doppelgangers)!

hold 'em right there!

2007-01-29T15:43:00.000+08:00

Poker is all about knowing what your opponent's cards are, what he thinks you have, and what he thinks you think he has.

Just watched Eli Elezra play on YouTube... He's so adorable! Successful businessman AND a great poker player - the kind of hubby any woman would like. Goes to show, the rich gets richer all the time. And of course after watching I was inspired to play on Full Tilt... but only got 3rd position. B - L - A - H. I blame it on strange flops. Whenever I throw away smaller hands like 4 - 9 or J - 7 or 8 - 10, I'd flop tups! Cue much frustration and agonizing and then I let the past hands affect the current one I play, going all-in on crazy shit like A - 9.

Meh. I don't think I play all that well anymore.

Anyhoo, in 10 minutes I'd have to start putting on make-up and packing up to go to school for the Patron's Day performance. Urgh. Don't know why still so sleepy when I already slept very early yesterday night.

...

Want to play want to play want to play poker again!!!

Being single, dateless and boring has turned me into a Crazy Card Lady.

drawing blanks

2007-01-28T02:33:00.000+08:00

It's official - I've exhausted my store of emotions. Even feelings like anger could only last for mere moments before fading away into nothingness.

If it only stops negative emo's from flooding my thoughts then that's good, but the reality is it blocks off almost everything else.

How do you give when you can't feel?

My story is much too sad to be told
But practically everything leaves me totally cold
The only exception I know is the case
When I'm out on a quiet spree
Fighting vainly the old ennui
and I suddenly turn and -

ring the alarm

2007-01-26T01:06:00.000+08:00

She gonna be rocking chinchilla coats
If I let you go
Get in the house off the coast
If I let you go
She gonna take everything I own
If I let you go
I can't let you go, damned if I let you go

Beyonce is the hottest crazy lady I've ever seen.

if red roses weren't so lovely

2007-01-24T15:50:00.000+08:00

Hmmm. Maybe I'm not so okay after all.

say it right

2007-01-24T02:17:00.000+08:00

Oh you don't mean nothin' at all to me
No, you don't mean nothin' at all to me

Vat a sad song.

Back To School Bash

Our trademark pose. I love love love you darlings...

how to write a good essay

2007-01-22T19:12:00.000+08:00

Step #1: Wait until 4 days before submission date to start researching

I still haven't done my case study for Entrepreneurship, a course I took in Bath. Gonna write on BreadTalk but now am overwhelmed with the wealth of info at my disposal. I still have to come up with my own graphs, timeline, quotes and shizz like that. Oh well. If I pulled off Treasury in 48 hours I'm sure I could pull this off too.

...

*PANIC!*

Step #2: Conduct research in SMU grounds where the signal strength of the wireless connection is Very Good

I can't even load Yahoo! or Google in SMU nowadays. Took ages to download a picture of the world map (gonna use it to illustrate BreadTalk's franchising efforts... if I eventually get around to doing this paper). Ironically, the only two things that work reasonably fine amidst the sucky connection phenomenon are MSN and Blogger.

Step #3: Rest well to clear the mind

Actually was supposed to start this essay on Saturday, but then decided to take a power nap. The power nap lasted 2 hours 30 minutes longer than intended. When I woke up I had to flap around like a migrating penguin because I was already late for dinner with Mich & Syd and then Bash after.

Step #4: Browse car websites

OK OK I promise I *will* write this essay. But oh, this past Sunday mum and dad were talking about me getting a car and I just can't resist checking out BMW's website...

The BMW M6 Coupé. Pretty huh? Fell in love with it the moment I saw it. Mine in two years!!!!!!!!!!

(Allow me this moment of delusion)

OK OK it's time to go back to procrastinating.

madeline & brandybutter

2007-01-22T00:49:00.000+08:00

E-ed came to town recently and we met up for a nice dinner at Sakae (nice because of the company more than the food!) after having not seen each other for more than a year. We should make this our annual meeting! It kinda sucks that I was rather sick though, if not would definitely have stayed out longer with her.

BrandyButter is Syd's new shop-blog. It's a definite must-see! There are all sorts of pretty things there... I really like one of the outfits which is this white dress that was pictured together with a black waist belt and black tights. Really chic!

Pretty! I like the blue ribbon. Heh. Blue's my fav colour now!

and everything around her is a silver pool of light

2007-01-19T14:33:00.000+08:00

...

I'm very afraid of falling down if you fall down you hurt your knee and you may not be able to get up again you can't walk don't even talk about dancing nothing could come out right everything will be wrong wrong wrong at the end of it you find yourself hugging you arms cradling to and fro and asking why did you fall down in the first place when you were perfectly all right standing up and walking walking walking

Better not lah.

cinderella

2007-01-17T20:44:00.000+08:00

Was printing FT homework from my parents' room and my bro just happened to be watching Disney Channel. They were showing Cinderella. And so as I waited for my homework to come out I was entertained by some chiruppy song that the mice in the movie were singing.

Ahhh... the magic of Disney. The educational values it imparts! Whoever knew that mice could sing, sew, bake and outwit villainous household pets all at the same time?

Anyhoo, I remembered watching this show as a kid and melting over the charm of the Prince. He was so gallant, so handsome, so... so... brunette.

But now that I think about it, the Prince is just a largely decorative royalty, somewhat dull of mind. Let's reason it out. This guy purportedly fell in love with a woman who was in disguise after only a song and a dance. Err... hello? Isn't there something wrong with that?

He doesn't know shit about her, yet there he goes declaring that he will marry whoever this woman turns out to be!

When she suddenly ran off to God knows where, rather than chasing after her the fella went and shouted for the guards. She is a woman and he is a man. Men have the advantage of muscular strength and could probably outrun any woman of average fitness. Why does he not run after her??

Thirdly and most foolish of all, his way of identifying this mysterious woman is through her shoe size??? Unless Cinderella has extremely small / disfigured feet that glass slipper could've easily fit some other woman's foot. In short, it was a coincidence that he found the correct person.

No no, I just don't see the brains in this guy. I should've idolized the mice all along.

well tie me a bow and give me a ring and what do you get?

2007-01-15T00:30:00.000+08:00

Boring.

Boring.
Boring.
Boring.
Boring.

Exactly a week ago from today I was doing stuff 100 times more exciting.

Bleah.

bleuargahruargarh

2007-01-13T12:26:00.000+08:00

This is probably the longest time I've been down with a cold! So frustrating! And to think I thought I was recovering on Monday... Bah this is the last time I will eat Mac's and drink iced tea / Coke / water when I'm sick! I swear!

...

Well maybe I can take just a sip.

Cold Statistics:
# of times bailed out of outings cos of cold: 3
# of times felt miserable in class: 3 (which means all my classes)
# of times coughed per day: 1,028,379
# of times felt like tearing throat open: 5
# of times REALLY REALLY TEMPTED to tear throat open: 1
# of times people asked, "did you go see the doc?": 10
# of times said "no": 10
# of times people commented, "you're gonna cough your lungs out": 2
# of times said "haha": 2

Feeling rather stressed now 'cos have not heard back from the following companies regarding internship application:
HSBC
ML
JP
CS
UBS

Fark. Am I that unwanted???

gee are oh gee gee why

2007-01-10T19:31:00.000+08:00

Didn't have any class today so technically I should have plenty of time to start working on various homeworks, internship applications and my Entrepreneurship paper. But what did I do instead? Woke up at 11 am, went back to sleep fully intending to wake up again at 1 pm, and then woke up at 4 pm instead.

AARRGGHHH!

So much time wasted. But rest was much-needed as cough's still going strong (very frustrated by that, maybe I should have gone to the doc's). Maybe I'll skip dance tomorrow. If I keep straining myself at this rate I will end up with pneumonia, touch wood.

Started reading George Orwell's 1984. Yes yes I know I'm a mountain tortoise, every other person in the world must've read that book by now and yet I only picked it up a couple of days ago because I was bored. But I think it is a marked improvement since the last piece of literature I savored was The Secret Dreamworld of a Shopaholic. Which was a jolly good read though less thought-provoking.

1984 is a disturbing read. It's set in a world where children beg to watch hangings of war prisoners. Where the only movies shown in theatres are war movies with all the gory details of blown-up bits. Where the slogan is WAR IS PEACE. Where the citizens were obliged to observe daily moments of Hate.

It's so outrageous that it's scary, because it might be real.

Anyhoo... enough of that grim talk. Zee wrote some stuff recently that stuck a chord:

'Where did this grey veil of sian-ness come from, and how did it settle itself over my vision? Hmmm. (...) maybe it's the fact I didn't bring my own laptop to school so have to bum off the library's; maybe it's my lack of a cashcard leading to me not being able to print my class notes for later; maybe it's the utter scariness of being in school with so many people around but not one familiar face (where has everyone gone to?). Aaahh.'

I find familiar faces lacking in SMU as well. When I left for Bath, I left behind several habits and knowledge. As a result:
1. I've forgotten that printing in the library is NOT free.
2. How the hell do you top up your cashcard in school anyway?
3. I forgot we have to contribute and say intelligent-sounding "class participation".
4. I forgot to avoid the smelly toilets in Biz.

Best to buck up soon I s'pose.

On the other hand, I had a very nice dream last night.

i'm on your back

2007-01-09T11:08:00.000+08:00

Tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds
Dreaming aloud

Zee introduced me to this Foo Fighters song while we were still in Bath. Now I've got Walking After You on repeat in my iTunes (as well as putting it on my blog of course). I think you're right babe, the very word to describe the song is poignant.

Why do I feel so tired?

I fell sick on Sunday, recovered on Monday, and had a relapse Monday night. Guess I shouldn't have had strained myself during the day, but I had a great time nevertheless. Met up with Cel for lunch and we had a nice girlie chat.

Question:
Is it girlie or girly?

At times I find myself in very unlikely situations. Situations that, if not for a single triggering event, wouldn't have been possible. Do you find yourself suddenly catapulted into such a position sometimes? I definitely can't say my life is mundane now. It's weird. And bittersweet.

Like how I always thought that days in Singapore and in SMU would be spent in G's company at all times. And then we had that MSN chat on Christmas Eve and suddenly we were no more. And then because of that, I had more time to reflect on friendships. And then because of that, I had a great time hanging out with different people. And then because of that, I feel thankful that even in an environment so thorny as SMU (we all know the amount of gossip flitting around) I have a nucleus of people I can rely on.

And then of course, there are the pals outside SMU.

How do you sleep?

I like to be tangled in my blanket. I'll curl up to one side, and then I'll pull the blanket all the way up to my chin. I like to feel the cool texture of it ooze over my freezing body. It's the most comforting sensation I ever felt while I was in Bath. It feels safe, like a coccoon that I would break free of in the morning, when I'm all new again.

the sweet escape

2007-01-09T00:13:00.000+08:00

shit shit shit

2007-01-06T11:23:00.000+08:00

Met up with Jun to return her guidebooks yesterday. The meeting evolved into a group meeting with Kunz, Tiff, Celest and Mich at NYDC and it was really nice just having girly chats. I must say I'm awful glad for their concern over the recent break-up. All of us headed home early and the early night was a welcomed change as well.

In fact I ended up sleeping (falling asleep more like) before 11 pm thus missing my daily freeroll tournament on Unibet. Bah.

I spoke to the girls of being barren yesterday. In the sense that I can see no boys filling up my little black book (not that I have any) (note to self: must buy 2007 daily planner) in the near future. I just don't see any hope. It's like a switch inside me has been turned off - I'm no longer capable of producing & maintaining a sustainable crush on anyone, especially not in SMU.

This might just be a defense mechanism - if I don't feel anything for anyone, then I can't be hurt. Of course, just like in a poker game, if you don't play the hand you have absolutely no chance of winning. I guess I'm just in the risk-averse phase.

Speaking of boys! Despite having been attached approximately 3 times, boys are still a mystery to me. Hence I have the tendency to overanalyse the things that they do.

If someone sends me a love song over MSN, I'd start asking, Why did he send me this song? Was it something in the lyrics? Is he trying to tell me something? Is he interested in me?

If someone asks me to meet up for coffee, I'd think, Is this his way of asking me out? Why does he want to know all about my breakup? Is he interested in me?

If someone offers me his drink at a club, I'd wonder, Is he trying to get me high so he can dance with me? Is he looking at me more than at the other girls? Is he going to make a move on me? Is he interested in me?

As you can see I am rather neurotic. Reading signals when there are none. Guess I'm like that bloke in A Beautiful Mind. I simply MUST change my way of thinking. From now on, no more trying to interpret "subtle hints". I'll simply take the view that we are all friends, we are all neutral, we are all asexual. Any gesture of kindness will be taken at face value and I shall not assume any hidden intentions behind it. Any flirtation would meet with my dead wall of act-blur-ness. I will not let myself fall until I am absolutely certain that you will catch me.

In poker, this would classify as a check-fold tactic when not in possession of the ultimate strongest hand on the table.

Deadly Sin of the Day: Greed

eh...

2007-01-05T02:32:00.000+08:00

I don't even know why I'm blogging when I am so darn tired from 3 hours of dance. It was nice that I get to dance rigorously again but at the same time it's TORTUROUS! Walking around with jelly legs now.

It's like 2.30 AM now and I gots to wake up at 8.30 AM so that I can go to MacRitchie with Jing to run my fats off. Apparently she has a sidebet going on with Mike. If we can finish the women's route he will give her 50 bucks. Dayum I also want someone to bet with me! C'mon. Bet that I won't be late for the run tomorrow!

Went Mambo / Phuture / Velvet (ok so they are all @ the same place) (but if I mention all it sounds more cool) on Wed. Didn't really wanna go at first because when I was setting off it was raining cats and dogs and puppies and goats. Just when I sent the SMS to Zhi that I won't be going after all, a cab dropped a lady off at the sheltered lobby right in front of me. That's how lucky? It's equivalent to getting pocket Aces in poker! Damn. Maybe I should've played poker that night instead of clubbing. But still it was an interesting slash different experience, going with Yang, Zhi, Victor, Chok and Zi Kang (who wasn't even there 9/10th of the time).

First day of school today and everyone I recognized (very few people - I seem to know next to noone in SMU nowadays) says I am unrecognizable. Apparently I look different (just like SMU, har di har). I tell ya, it's basically because a) I'm fatter and b) my hair is black & frizzy.

To end this off in a mysterious note:

I don't know what I want. What do you really really want?

photos

2007-01-03T10:36:00.000+08:00

Nicola's farewell dinner

Visit To Royal Crescent

Meetup with Ryan & Jem

Xmas dinner with the couples

Last view of Bath

Chillout @ Clarke Quay

NY Eve gatherings

lesson #070: LoveStoned

2007-01-01T17:13:00.000+08:00

Those flashing lights come from everywhere
The way they hit her I have to stop and stare
She’s got me LoveStoned and I swear
she’s bad and she knows
I think that she knows

Love this song by Justin T!

I'm officially fat. I was trying on some jeans I used to wear 2 years ago and now I can barely squeeze into them. Shit shit shit. Have to get my tummy flat and my hips less bulbous somehow...

Oh, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Days go by in a blur for me that New Year doesn't feel that special anymore. I'm still in hybernate mode I guess, trying to block away the rest of the world while I recover from jetlag and what-not.

lesson #069: good to be back?

2006-12-30T17:18:00.000+08:00

So I'm back in Singapore. It feels both good and bad to be back.

The Good's:
1. Weather's no longer freezing
2. I can play my PS2 games
3. I can meet my best pals again
4. I can eat good food for cheaper
5. The shops open until late

The Bad's:
1. Weather's too hot
2. Hair frizzes out thanks to the humidity
3. I get scolded by my parents again
4. House is too crowded and noisy
5. When school starts I have to meet people whom I know have gossiped ridiculous stuff about me

I would rather stay in Thornbanks. Over there if one of the boys annoy me I can just tell him to fuck off. Then he will show me the finger and we will both laugh about it and that will be it.

Over here in SMU if you know that this person has talked bad about you you still have to keep up appearances and pretend that nothing is wrong. You still have to smile and compliment the person's dressing and act like long-lost best friends.

I am fucking sick of this.

I'm even starting to miss Manuel's smelly feet. LOL.

lesson #068: shit. i'm leaving.

2006-12-27T09:02:00.000+08:00

It's 1 AM on Wednesday, 27th December. My flight is in... 20 hours. I've packed most of my stuff away, but there are some stuff I left in the kitchen too. I can't believe this is happening. I look at my empty bathroom, my empty room, and feel as empty as them. Shit. This has been my home!

Shit. I'm leaving.

Let's rewind back time! Let's do things differently! Let's make the most of this experience. Let's go out more, cook more, stay up into the wee hours of the night more, chat on MSN more, play poker more, flirt harmlessly more. Let's go to classes all over again, let's not pay attention, let's fall asleep, let's go to town after the lessons to shop. Let's laugh more, cry more, feel more. Let's share secrets more, confide in each other more, get to know people more. Let's get drunk more, say 'fuck off' more, push each other more, tease each other more.

Let's do something! Anything to make time stop and turn back! I'm sure there must be something!

Shit... shit.

This can't be my last night. No no no no no no no no... =(